Some Clouds Gathering But No Storm Front



Okay, today was, for the most part, rather calm. However, that being said, I only got about two hours of sleep last night, give or take. I just couldn't sleep. Even the medication didn't help. It doesn't happen often and hasn't happened for awhile, but sleep just didn't find me into the wee hours of the morning. However, I had planned to get one more hour of sleep before I absolutely had to get up. Unfortunately, my daughter decided to call me at 6:15am give or take a few minutes. There went that extra hour of sleep. To be honest, I can't remember much of what she as asking. It was either about her going to the ER, which she was supposed to have done that Friday. In fact, she's made one excuse after another for why she's been missing school. Whatever. If she wants to take herself down that road, let her. When she's ready she can correct it. I have really just washed my hands of her for the most part. I hate to say that, but what could I do after what happened in January. I mean, I ended up with a black eye that lasted a month. Not to mention bruises and muscle trauma to my left forearm. I love her, I do, but there is this distance that is always going to be there now. And the fact that she only contacts me when she wants something tells me exactly how she feels about me. I'm a bank. I am a person that she can just use. That's fine. But sooner or later the bank is getting closed and it's going to happen very soon. After the $28 I'm giving her this month to pay for her fiancé's birth certificate that got left in Mexico because they didn't realize I didn't have it, I'm pretty much done. I have my own bills to worry about. She doesn't like with me anymore and she never will again. She wants to be an adult and on her own, then she can do that without my help. Of course, I can't put my foot completely down until she is actually 18 years old and that can't come soon enough, unfortunately.

Anyway, so that was the end of my sleep for the night. I got up, got dressed, started going through things online and on Facebook, listening to my Depeche Mode that I'd bought on the Google PlayStore. Then it was community meeting time. Then the walk. Then I took care of a few things in my room, did my chore, took medication, though I almost forgot! I hate that I have been forgetting lately! It's not like me. I guess it's because I haven't been using my daily to do list. I really need to make sure I look at it every morning. It helps me stay on track. Group was different. Cassi had called me right before class to let me know she was just about at the Emergency Room and that I needed to call them. I had to explain to her that they would call ME! I informed the group leader of the phone call so when I got it there wasn't an issue of me taking it and leaving the group for a few minutes. I did get the call and she was seen. However, Cassi couldn't be bothered to call me and let me know how she was after that. I didn't hear back from her until the afternoon when she called to ask when she could get the $28. That's all she wanted. I told her whenever she wanted to come up and get it. Simple as that. Of course, then she told me she would when her fiancé had a day off. Oh joy! So he's going to come with her and I'm going to have to decide what to do. Do I see her? Do I not see her? Because I don't want to see him. If I seen her inside the facility he can't come in. Of course, if he can't she might not and will want me to come out. She doesn't get that I don't want to see him. I don't think he gets it, though he should. You don't emotionally abuse someone for six months, push their daughter to physically assault said person with his help and then expect everything is going to be okay. They literally did think things would just go back to how they were. No... That was a fantasy on their part. But I just don't want to see him. If she weren't my daughter I wouldn't see her either.

Anyway, that kind of had me a bit moody. But I distracted myself with talking with my nephews, writing with my friend from the Netherlands and playing on Facebook - also looking up old poetry and writing of mine to eventually save onto my new laptop - well, new to me! Also to share on Facebook in a group I'm in. I just joined it. It's calls Poems I believe.

I actually wanted to go out to eat some Mexican food for Cinco de Mayo, but I called the bank and found out I only have $5 left. Uh, yeah... Good thing I pulled out that $100 to keep on hand. But, of course, $28 is going to Cassi and her fiancé and another $18 is going towards filling my bus pass for the month. So it won't leave me much. I decided to put off the Mexican food. On top of that, I couldn't leave this afternoon because I ran the battery down on my phone. I use it a lot!

Anyway, dinner was good. I mean, not as good at the Pizza Pasta last night! LOL! But it was decent. It was a type of chicken casserole with rolls and a salad. I had more than I should, which is not a good thing. I did feel way too full when I went back to my room before our evening group. I just laid down on the bed, and of course, played on my phone. I have been worried about my Aussie. He hasn't written and by now he would have at least fired off a short note to me so I'm a bit worried. I know he was having some issues. Family health problems. I just hope nothing bad has happened. I'll feel better when I finally hear from him. By the time group rolled around though, I was so tired. I wouldn't necessarily say that I wanted to sleep, but I was definitely tired. But as the group got going and I started to participate I felt more awake and alert. I even got to lead the group for awhile, which was fun! It's practice for when I become a Peer Support Specialist and if I lead a group like this. I also think our Peer Support Specialist not only likes to give me the practice, but likes to see me use what I already know since I'm so familiar with Recovery International, how it works, what the tools are... Anyway, by the time group was over I was energized! So here I am, it's after 10:00pm and I am wide awake! LOL! I just took  my medication though, so with luck I'll get sleepy and actually sleep tonight! Fingers crossed.

So really, the only clouds that came were clouds my daughter brought with her. Other than that, it was a pretty nice day! With luck the weather pattern will hold!

The Calm

Today was mostly clear skies. No dark clouds on the horizon which is a good thing. It wasn't too exciting though, but that's all right. It's like this Chinese saying I heard years ago and have heard it's actually a curse goes - May You Live In Interesting Times. Interesting isn't always a good thing, but maybe for the most part it is. However, today was not either way.

I even had less to do today than on a normal Monday through Friday week. We have group here at 11:00am. Well, today is WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) group. Once you do all the lessons you don't have to attend them. I'm not completely finished, but today was lesson 4 and I am clear up until lesson 7. That's the last one I need and then I have completed the course. It's too bad I couldn't have finished this a couple of weeks ago. I could have signed up for the Peer Support Training classes. They are only held once a year in this area, so I'm pretty sad about that. It means that my goal of becoming a Peer Support Specialist is on hold for awhile. But it is what it is, so it's not worth getting upset over. Anyway, it left me with an extra hour to myself. Of course, there isn't much to do here so I spent the time in my room on my phone and on the internet. I was listening to Depeche Mode - a given - and checking on different things. I was waiting for my friend from the Netherlands to come online so we could write together. However, her mother's birthday was today so she was a bit late. But it's great fun writing with her and right now our current story is pretty interesting. I based parts of it from a nightmare I had the night before Easter. It's nice when I can pull negative things and use them positively or creatively. I usually take them and find a way to put them in my writing somewhere. Maybe not the exact event, but elements of it. After all, once you experience something it's easier to write about. You can describe it because you know how it felt with all senses. Just like being attacked by two people. I didn't know what that was like until January. But now I have and instead of letting it destroy me, I use that in my writing because now I know what it's like to get hit in the face, or rather, on the side of the face and eye.

Outside of that, I got on Facebook messenger for the first time in what feels like months. I think it has been at least two months. However, I felt it was time and slowly I hope to work back into running my group on there again. I like to help people and not doing that has taken something away from my life, I think.

I did get an email from my Aussie. He's such a great friend and every time I hear from him, he makes me smile. There's something about having a friend you can tell anything to that means so much. I can share with him things in my head that I can't seem to share with anyone else. I feel comfortable so comfortable and trust him so much that I share the thoughts in the dark recesses of my mind that I let no one into. When the storms are raging inside I can turn to him and tell him everything and he doesn't turn me away. He doesn't judge me. He just loves and supports me the best he can from where he is. I can't even begin to explain how much that means to me. It's a rare and precious gift. And every time I get an email from him, I smile and it brightens my whole day, even if it's an email about life and nothing else. So that was a special treat this evening and has made my night.

Now, it's after dinner. We have two people leaving here where I live. They have "graduated" the program, so to say, so we had a goodbye group. It's called a marble ceremony. Essentially, the person picks out a marble (or shell, or rock) and it gets passed from person to person and they say something special to the person leaving and their hopes and wishes for their future. These ceremonies are really a wonderful thing. I went through one at the Crisis House I was in back in January and I won't forget a couple of the comments because they really meant a great deal to me. I still have that marble too. I keep it somewhere it can't get lost. Usually it's only one person leaving, but tonight there were actually two. It's not something that happens here very often either, so it was interesting and nice. I didn't know either of them very well though, but they are both talented and I hope the best for them in the future.

So now, here I am posting on my blog and listening to Depeche Mode. Perhaps it's not exactly quiet because of the music drifting in my ears, but my mind is calm which is a great thing. I may not know what tomorrow will bring, but I know for now, things are good. This moment is all there is and I'm all right.