The Sun Comes Through the Storm



I actually hesitated to write this, but I have come to the point where I just want to get this out; the pain and the joy. And this is, after all, a chronicle of my life, so to say... My online diary.

I honestly thought things were going to be over. I thought I was going to have to shut the door on my daughter. On Friday, I was prepared to call the police and make a runaway report on her. I felt that one trespassing ticket would lead to another and another and I just didn't want to be financially responsible for her and her fiancé as they camped out. It wasn't like they wanted to do anything other than use me anyway. But funny enough, though I had seven hours of sleep, I was still exhausted and ended up falling asleep during the last fifteen minutes of group, which is one of the painful groups for me to sit through. But I had participated practically the whole time. But I don't remember falling asleep, of course. My eyes were closed anyway. That's usually how I am in groups if it's one of these groups where I know almost everything or it doesn't pertain to me. But the next thing I know, my eyes open and I am alone in the living room on the couch. I would have thought they'd wake me during group. But they didn't so either because I never fell asleep in group they decided to leave me undisturbed, or they didn't think I was actually sleeping, or that they knew just how little sleep I was getting and left me be. But either one, I had slept the night before. But I got up, had lunch - cheese sandwich on jalapeño cheese bread and a yogurt. I just knew thought, that I was just going to go back to sleep and that's exactly what I did. I went to my room, laid down on the bed, having absolutely no energy and fell asleep. I slept for four-five hours. By the time I woke up, it was almost time for dinner. In my opinion, just too late to make that call to the police.

The next morning I'm called by my daughter's fiancé telling me she's missing. That she's been missing for a day and night. That she had gone off with some friends and that he hadn't seen her since. Okay, I went from being asleep to being awake really fast. My first thought was to call the police. Of course, I asked him what he knew. He admitted to me that they had gotten into a physical fight. He admitted that it had been bad, but still  played it down that they had both hurt each other and blah, blah, blah... I asked if she had bruises. He said yes and said that he did too. Okay... I got the name and phone number of the guy she had originally gone off with. The first time I called and said who I was he hung up on me. He might not of believed me. The next time, I told him that if he didn't tell me where my daughter was I was going to call the cops, give them this number and let them track his ass down. He replied that would be interesting. I think he hung up again. The next time I called he didn't pick up so I started calling and calling and calling and calling and calling... think pit bull with a bone. It also kept him from being able to use his phone, which in turn, caused him to answer it again. I told him I wanted to know where she was. He told me he didn't know but she was safe. I was like, how does that make sense? And I drilled him a little more. I got a name. That was it and like where they sometimes meet up. I don't remember the whole conversation, but I was like, I was done talking. I wasn't getting anywhere. So I called her fiancé back. Apparently, he had the same information. He said he was going to call them back so I had already told her fiancé that if my daughter didn't show up within 12-24 hours I was calling the police and that since he was going to call this guy back to let him know this and that I am not joking. Even her fiancé knows that if I say I'm going to call the cops I will. I don't make empty threats.

Well, the message got delivered because within an hour I was talking with my daughter and I got filled in with what happened. Well, parts of it and it made me sick inside. She told me she was bruised up all over. That there was a little bruise on her face and she's right, it's really, really little, but it's there. However, when she told me the little bit that she told me, I felt so angry and sick. I asked her to send photos of the bruises. I wanted to see them - especially the one of her face, which as it turned out wasn't that big. The others that she set me photos of were... wow... So yeah, my anger built up quite a bit. But on the flipside of this, I felt like I could talk to my daughter again! It was like that negative energy surrounding her was finally GONE! OMG! I mean, I don't expect things to ever be great. If they get there, I'll be thrilled! If they don't, I'm just glad I can talk to her almost every day now and not worry that she's going to hold her claws out ready to strike me. It's sad, but it seems like the women in our little family seem to have to have something drastic happen to them before they see the light and realize something has to change. For me, it was January. For her, it was this. I was just glad to know that she's safe. That she's with people that just want to protect her and aren't going to let that little prick near her again!  She said there are even a couple of Hell's Angels wanting to protect her too. That made me think of someone I knew from my "previous life." But you don't mess with those guys so hey! That works for me. It was just nice to feel like I had reconnected with my daughter again; at least a little.

Yesterday she called me and told me that she was going over to her fiancé's mother's place to get her things and for me to call her and let her know. I had to make sure she had people going with her. At first  she said just one person or two and I was like... I don't know... even though I wasn't like the coward was about to do anything. But still. I didn't like the idea of her being in harm's way so to say. Then come to find out, there are like five other people going! I was like, okay, now I feel better. But I called the number I had for her and it can't take calls at this time. So I had to alternative than to call her fiancé. Thank God, he didn't answer so I got the chance to leave a voicemail. I told him to let his mother know what was about to happen and such and such, and then, just to get my Momma Bear in finally I said to him, "If you ever touch my daughter again there will be problems." And I hung up. I felt so go being able to say that! LOL! YES! It was awesome and I felt like finally I could act like a mother again - well, up to a certain point. After all, soon she's going to be 18... not that I'm going to stop being her mother. It's just, she is good at taking care of herself. It's unfortunate how it happened, but I way able to give her this gift that I didn't have. This sense of being independent. I never had that. I was taught learned helplessness. It's what my mother wanted, whether she realized it or not. I was the brat child. I was the worst child she'd ever seen. She was done having kids when I came along... emotionally she crippled me and made me think I wasn't good enough to live, let alone stand on my own two feet. And I definitely did not want that for my girl!

Anyway, today was Memorial Day, of course. We had a BBQ here for lunch, which was nice. There were two on kitchen duty for sides and then there were three of us for set-up. Everyone else was on clean-up and I really just didn't feel like doing clean-up. Plus set-up is so easy! You can't ask for an easier job! I ate too much, of course. Not a good thing, but it was so good! I grabbed a bag of chips - Fritos chili cheese flavor, a cup of coke and a cheese burger with fixings. That took me a lot to eat just by itself. Then after that, I went and got some baked beans, which is what I wanted, a piece of corn on the cob, a piece of watermelon, two cookies and a couple more bags of chips for later. LOL! Oh, and a cup of sprite. Needless to say, by the time I had gotten through the beans, corn and watermelon I felt like I was going to burst. It wasn't a good feeling. I went and laid down for about 20 minutes and then felt better. I actually noshed on some Fritos. Then I was talking with my nephew Manny and he was asking me where to find cheap sodas or if I knew of a place or he wished there was a place... I don't exactly remember, but I told him about the Circle K down at the corner where the sodas were .89 for the 44 oz. He was shocked. He was talking about 7 Eleven where he was paying $2. So shocked was he, he offered me a soda to walk down with him. He was so sweet! I had so been wanting a soda. My stomach was great at the time. I ended up getting a Wild Cherry Pepsi. I mean, I know I've said that I was going to keep with the diet drinks... however, I hadn't had a soda for awhile and I just wanted what I wanted, you know? Then went we got back I didn't want to sit in the dining room drinking the soda because Rhonda the administrator was there and opted for the Serenity garden. We talked. Then we were joined by my other nephew Jerry. Another resident had been talking on and off with us, followed by another and we all started talking about going to Mexico. Basically I was sharing some of the food places and such when I was down there, but that I didn't think I could go back to Mexico. Just too many bad memories. But he showed me this video of where some of this family lived - Manny. And it was really beautiful. I thought, yeah, maybe I could go there. Still, my stomach was rebelling. That knot of anxiety was there. It sucks. I would like to go down and not feel this way, though I doubt I can ever go back to Rosarito. I don't want to run into anyone I know. I just want to close that chapter of my history. Plus, there are people I really don't want to see again who I would ultimately cross paths with again, knowing my luck. And I would have to face leaving my cats. I mean, right in my face and I just can't deal with that. I don't even know who took them. I just hope they are safe and happy.

Anyway, after finishing the soda, I decide I am going to check in on my daughter! Especially since I feel like I can now! I just wanted to make sure that she was able to get her things. Not that I would have known what to do if she hadn't been able to. But I was relieved. Of course, she said her fiancé had dumped everything out all over the place out of the bag they had been in, just to be a spiteful little prick. Surprise, surprise there. But I finally got to tell her how good it was to be able to not be afraid to call her. That I felt like I could talk to her again. She told me how she felt so much better away from him. That she was much better off. That she had people that cared and wanted to protect her. He had her totally isolated, just like abusers do. And I told her that it was as if this cloak of negativity was just gone now. And we talked about other things too, like I mentioned school and she didn't jump down my throat! We talked about having the information ready. That should something happen I'll write another medical note for a friend of hers who's at least 18 to be able to get her seen when she's sick. But it was just good to talk with her and we hung up again saying "I love you" and have there be meaning there again, I think. It is on my end, anyway, and I think it is on hers too. She is seeing just what he did to her and her life. Thank God!

Her brother also called me last night. He got himself his own phone and plan that he's going to pay for every month on his own! I think that's great! He was also telling me about this program he's going to look into that will help him with housing, job, education or something... I encouraged him to check more into it for sure. I also told him what happened to his sister. Yeah... as much as he was ready to disown her, that's still his sister and what's been broken can be fixed now that she's away from him. He told me flat out he wanted to beat her fiancé's butt, to put it mildly. I told him it's not worth him going to jail. However, I had my own fantasies about hiring someone to do harm to him. Not like I have the money or could live with myself. But it's nice to plot revenge in the head, even if it's never put into action. I had even posted a status on my Facebook, asking if anyone knew of a hitman that took payment plans! LOL! No one knew why I had posted it, but I got a bunch of likes on it! LOL! You have to have some laughs in the crap, right? But the silver lining here is that my daughter is away from that monster. That her and I are getting a relationship back and that she feels like she can move forward in her life. Those are important things to me. Not that I would have ever wished what happened to her on her. But it did have a positive effect.

Anyway, I worried my Aussie last night, I think. I wrote him an email talking about all the assholes that people had offered to take out for me and had never allowed it and how sometimes I regret it. And I did kind of go on about it. So I guess that worried him and when he wrote me back he made sure that I should just try to let the revenge thing go and that they'd get theirs. He was also happy that my daughter and I had reconnected and there was another personal part that I'm not gonna share! ;-)

Last night I didn't get any sleep. Not that it was a bad thing. I have functioned all day without a problem, only taking a 20 minutes nap, unintentionally. Just laying on the bed on the phone, writing with my friend from the Netherlands... waiting for a reply... and the bed is comfy and... zzzzzz... LOL! But I woke up and just in time to help with the set up for the BBQ. It was great writing my with friend from the Netherlands. We're actually working on an interesting story. We've actually been writing stories that hint at assassins, but we haven't really written anything about them directly. It's like my character who is definitely an assassin though she says she's a Security Consultant, we haven't seen anything she's done yet. She's on vacation. She then runs into these famous ice skating pair and they strike up a conversation. The woman is getting married and the man is her best friend, who's going to give her away. Anyway, my character is attracted to his character, but she's not going to pursue anything. But she does talk about how she did used to ice skate awhile back. He's looking for a new partner because she's getting married and she's pregnant. Even though my character doesn't think for a moment they could even think she could do something like this they actually evaluate her skills the next day. She's a little beyond the age, but she does have the raw talent. Still, that's all it is and she does have a job and such. But they develop this friendship and she and he eventually end up together. Though just in the beginning stages right now. But it's been really fun to write! I mean, real kind of life, though maybe a bit exaggerated, has been fun! And it gives me more ways to develop my characters for my actual stories. So I'm more than happy. I can't wait for tomorrow to get writing with her again!

Anyway, my stomach is upset. I'm not sure if it's gas or a beginning ulcer, which would really suck, but my stomach keeps hurting at least once everyday. It was okay for awhile earlier, but it's hurting again. And I would like to actually have some dinner before it's too late. I want baked beans on bread. Really simple, but really delicious! We'll see though. Kitchen closes at 10:00pm and it's just after 9:00pm. But I am just so happy. I have a part of my daughter back! I have my son! My life, for this moment, is good! The storm for the moment has broken up and is passing away.

The Storm Within the Storm Throughout

There have been lulls, of course, but the storm seems to always be brewing and threatening and then brewing. I can feel the pressure dropping along with my mood. Too much has been happening, though some parts have giving me some clear sailing, but then the clouds come and the wind picks up and the storm comes.



Last week I had three nights of headaches that on a scale of 1-10 were 8s and 9s. On the third night I knew I had to go to the ER. I just couldn't take the pain any longer. I even missed evening group because I just couldn't go. They called a non-emergency ambulance to take me. I was in agony. It took them a good 15 minutes, but they got me into a room. They drew blood, took an EKG and all that fun stuff. I thought they'd put an IV in my arm, but they didn't. I also didn't have to wait to see the doctor, which in my opinion, is a miracle! Instead he decided to give me delauded pills. For those that don't know what that is, from what I understand, it's synthetic morphine. They started me off on 2mgs. When they would put an IV in me, they usually gave me 1mg. Anyway, 2mgs didn't do it. He gave me another milligram. That didn't do it. He gave me a steroid. That didn't help. Then he gives me two more milligrams of the delauded and FINALLY I got relief. But it took 5mgs! That's a huge dose, I'm guessing. I came back home and they couldn't believe I was standing, let alone, acting normal. It did suck getting there thought. For southern California, it was raining. I had to stand out in the rain waiting for the bus because there was no cover. I guess I was lucky that there was a bench! Not that I could use it, considering it was completely wet! But I had to stand in the rain for about 15 minutes or so because the bus was late. I am guessing it was because of the rain. When I got to my stop, it wasn't raining, which was good. As a treat for what I had gone through, I stopped at the Circle K and got myself a drink. I splurged and got myself an orange bang. It evokes happy memories/feelings from childhood. Anyway, I think I still took my night medication and went to bed. Surprisingly I didn't go right to sleep and ended up only sleeping a handful of hours... Still, I woke up easy enough. I was just thankful the headache was gone!

I seemed to be okay until the weekend. I had a full night of not sleeping I believe the following night after that hospital.I didn't sleep much the night after either. But Friday night I figured I would get a few extra hours than usual because we didn't have to wake up early. That's the deal. The weekends we get to wake up later. On Sundays we don't even have to do chores, unless you have a kitchen chore or an after dinner chore.



Anyway, at 8:30am a girl I do not recognize is waking us up at 8:30am... I had been asleep maybe three hours tops. Yeah... so I got dressed and went to her. I wasn't rude, but I was not a happy camper. I am pretty good at hiding it though. I just don't see the point in angry conflict. It doesn't get your anywhere. So I went to her and asked her why she was waking us up at 8:30am. She was like, "Isn't that what you usually do?" I had to explain to her that no, that wasn't how things worked. I had been here since February and no one had ever woken us up on a Saturday. At least not until you had to get your medication, which has to be taken by a certain time. I also had to explain to her that I hadn't been sleeping and that it wasn't a good thing she woke me up, She offered to give me my meds and let me go back to sleep, but once I'm awake, I'm awake and told her that. Anyway, it set the tone for the day. The mild irritations I had been feeling, which were no big deal at all, so I always let them go, was tenfold now. Not that I acted on any of it, but it was rough. And there was just too much time on my hands. I mean, I did keep busy on Facebook, but it was a long, long day. Then you'd think I'd sleep that night... HA! Nope, and then we get woken up early AGAIN on Sunday. I wasn't happy after only a couple of hours of sleep. But then I heard someone remind us about the bowling excursion. Well... No one bothered to make a direct statement about going. Yeah... so I missed it by minutes! I was FURIOUS! I couldn't really hide it at that point. Not that I went around ranting and raving like a lunatic, but I was angry. This was the first outing we have had since I've been here. Yeah... and to miss it by a couple of minutes... So at least I became a bit productive, I did two loads of laundry. One was a very small load of clothes I decided to do after I took a shower so literally everything of mine was clean. I should have washed the sheets on my bed too while I was at it, but I didn't. I think someone else asked to use the washer at that point, because everyone had come back. I wouldn't look Catherine, the Peer Support Specialist that had taken everyone and hadn't bothered to say anything in the eyes. I was that angry and I didn't want her to see that, I guess. But it was another God-Awful feeling day. I wasn't sure what to expect on Monday.



Monday morning came. I had only slept a few hours again, but I woke up in a good mood! The anger from the weekend had melted away, which was a good thing. Except that my Asshole Psychiatrist (who is now FIRED) stopped my pain medication, even though I wasn't an addict. I only use it when I need it. I wanted to kill him! I still want to harm him. At the very least, smack the shit out of him! Okay, actually I wouldn't do anything like that, but not to say the urge isn't there. I'm just not a violent person. Never have been. I only write assassins! I'm not one myself! LOL! And I don't hate people, but to be honest, I HATE him. I can't say that I don't wish evil stuff on him. Maybe I am over reacting, but I am just tired of his shit! He's given me NOTHING but problems. I knew he wasn't a good fit for me anyway so I started a process to get another psychiatrist, which I did and FINALLY yesterday I got to see her. She is wonderful! Immediately we hit it off. She was thrilled that I knew all the jargon and she could talk to me like I was a professional, not some idiot. That goes a very long way with me. So that was great! Something to be happy about. However, she could not reverse the crap Dr. Asshole had done with my medication. It was against the law and wasn't sure how he was able to. So now I'm in a catch-22. I can't access my medication and even if I were to get another prescription for it, I might not be able to have it! Yeah, which means if I get another killer headache, it's back to the ER for more delauded... Yeah.... Thrillsville! I HATE that man! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! Did I say I HATE him??



But the night before I did end up at the ER again, though not for a headache. I was dizzy. It kept getting worse. I started also getting nauseous. My legs almost gave out of me, My heart pounded really hard for awhile. I just kept feeling worse and worse. Again, the non-emergency ambulance. Only this time, there isn't room for me so I have to be parked in the waiting room, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid, They still ran tests as I was waiting. They took blood, did X-rays, urine, EKG and all of that. My last EKG when I'd had the headache came out abnormal, but apparently it wasn't anything to be concerned about or they would have kept me. Still, it worried me. Plus there was the odd comment my cardiologist made as well. That I could see another cardiologist who would put a pacemaker in, but he wasn't going to? I didn't think about it at the time, but really? If there was nothing to worry about why would you say that? But whatever..., At the hospital it all checked out. And everything came back normal! Can you believe that? Ugh! Not that I wanted something to be wrong, but it's kind of like, really?? I feel like shit and there's nothing wrong? They did diagnose me with Sinusitis. Yeah, so I got a prescription for Zithromax or the equivalent that Medi-Cal will cover. Also he gave me a short term prescription for steroids. I was concerned it might cause weight gain. That's the last thing I need! But as it turns out, I would have to be on them for awhile and he only prescribed them for 5 days. So that's okay.



Yesterday was all right and I was glad to see my new psychiatrist. I mean, that made my day. On the way home though, I missed the bus. I was literally across the street waiting for the light! LOL! So I decide to go to the McDonald's and grab something off the value menu. It was my last dollar, which sucked, but I hadn't eaten. So I settled on a McChicken. It was good. But get this. I'm at the corner AGAIN and the bus comes... I miss it again! LOL! Wow! So I give up and decide that I'm going to just go to the bus stop and sit down. The other one was only going to be 20 minutes or so. As it is, it came in about 15 minutes, which was great! But I also decided to stop on my way home at the MetroPCS store because for most of the day my phone was shutting off by itself and turning itself back on. I couldn't do anything without it acting up! Thank God I knew the buses I needed to take and didn't have to look. But get this. As soon as I decide to go my phone starts working perfectly again... yeah. I still go and like an auto mechanic, they can't do anything unless the problem is happening or can be duplicated. Yeah... Well, it hasn't given me trouble since, so I hope whatever was going on has resolved itself. God knows my entire life is on my phone. I was go literally insane without it because my mind has to be constantly occupied. Outside of having bipolar, complex - PTSD and anxiety issues like panic attacks, I know I had ADD. It's why I can multitask, though it's really just limited to visual stuff. Well, sometimes, I can't do phones and visual stuff. That's too hard, but I can do several things at once. It's just that's not one of them. Though I don't have a hearing problem I had trouble processing auditory information. It's better that if I have to listen that I have something to read with it. Then I learn it. Yesterday ended on a really good note too. I was worried about my Aussie and I finally heard from him. I was so glad I did! He was, of course, worried about me having been back in the hospital. That was the last he'd heard so he was hoping I was all right. I guess we worried each other quite a bit. So hearing from him made my day all the better. I can't express how much I love him!



Well... I have been trying to write this blog entry for a good week now. Of course, I get put off for one reason or another. Yesterday, I was at the library and using their Wifi on my own laptop because I had forgotten my wallet with my ID and card, but luckily I had my laptop. Well, it was lucky for awhile. Then a virus came up, which must have been hiding in the laptop (I didn't own it from the beginning) and it shut down my browsers... Yeah... So that was the end of my blog entry writing. I packed up, came back here and then last night, the computer here was being occupied, though for a really good reason. My nephew Jerry is doing online classes so those come first anyway. Anyway, finally, this evening, I can write. Let's see if I can get this finished before some other catastrophe comes up to prevent it!



Another bad thing about yesterday is that I finally decided to go through my voicemail. Big mistake. Not such a problem for some of the numbers since I recognized a few of them and I could easily delete them, but then there was one from my daughter. Of course... I felt it was from here and I guess that's why I put it off for four days. But I finally listened to it. What was it? Her telling me how she got a ticket for Trespassing and that I need to come to court with her and that I'm probably going to have to pay her fine. Anyway, I started thinking about the fact that I already have a huge fine to pay - a ticket I got for an illegal U-Turn. The cop knew it was an honest mistake and literally turned around to track me down to give me the freaking ticket. Can we say BITCH! Gotta make that quota! Anyway, back to the main point. I started wondering if they could put me in jail for a huge fine. I am guess not. I mean, they have a lot of other people that need to be in jail and there aren't debtors prisons anymore. Then I started thinking, she doesn't come to me for anything except when she needs something that only I can do for her. I can't even suggest anything to her without her giving me attitude and her fiancé has her so poisoned against me, why should I be here to do anything? She's nto living where she was supposed to be living. She's not going to school. So what exactly is she doing except living on the streets with her jerk fiancé who is on the way to losing his job. Really, they are both burning every bridge they have an every bridge they manage to make. And I am thinking it's time to literally close the door on her. I am going to report her as a runaway. I don't want to. The whole idea of it makes me sick inside. It's like I know when I do this, things are just going to be over. That will be the end. My daughter will not be my daughter anymore. That door will be shut. It's just how it will be. But I can't keep going through this. I need to not be responsible for her actions anymore. It needs to be over. And it's making me sick. My depression started yesterday...



I actually went to sleep relatively early for me and I must have slept about 7 hours or so, which is more than I have gotten at one time lately. I didn't want to get up, but I did. I got dressed, made my bed, went to community meeting... did the walk, did my new chore. I still felt kind of okay, but not really. There was nothing interesting for breakfast so I ended up eating a chocolate croissant I had pilfered yesterday when they had brought out goodies. That was breakfast. Then I went to morning group. Oh, that was so fun! Not! Dual Diagnosis is one of the most boringly painful groups here for me. Why? I don't have a Dual Diagnosis. I am neither an alcoholic with mental illness, nor am I an addict with one, and today was all about relapse because of the holiday weekend. Don't get me wrong! It's a very important group to have. But NOT FOR ME!!! And I am literally required to go. But for the first time ever, I actually fell asleep in group! Grant you, it was only the last 10-15, but still... I woke up 5 minutes after group was over. I noticed because the room was empty except for me. I then looked at the clock. Five minutes after group. That was enough. I am guessing they just didn't notice, or if they did they know I have never slept in group before, or they all knew I haven't been sleeping normally and let me sleep. Either way, I woke up alone in the living room on the comfy couch. Then I grabbed something to eat for lunch, only because I had to. It was cheese on cheese jalapeno bread and a key lime Chibanni yogurt. Then I went back to my room and crashed out until almost 5:30pm. And when I woke up I was still depressed. And the dreams were not good. I had one nightmare where I didn't know I was pregnant. I was not all the way along either and I apparently went into labor, which I didn't know. Had a doctor or paramedic telling me not to push and this baby comes out stillborn. It was awful. Why do I only remember the bad dreams now? Why?? So I woke up still majorly depression.



Dinner was good. My other nephew Manny cooked dinner with another girl here and they made chicken stirfry and it was delicious. That sad thing is I got sick eating dinner. I didn't even take that much and it tasted so good, but I started getting nauseous and my stomach started hurting badly. I thought I was going to go back to my room and throw up. I didn't, thank goodness, but I felt like it. After about 15-20 minutes I felt better. Then it was time to wish another person here and happy birthday. Couldn't eat the cake. That one fridge is disgusting and it went into the frosting. It made me gag so I can't even enjoy the cakes here because that's where they store them. Then I brought out my movies because tonight was Socialization group, which translates into Movie Night. And I supply the movies because their selection here SUCKS! However, I'm running out of movies because I'd say 97% of my collection is R rated movies. What can I say? Those are the ones I seem to like the best! But tonight everyone picked "Now You See Me" which I have wanted them to pick several times already so that was a nice diversion for awhile. Not everyone stayed for the whole movie, but that's normal. However, my nephews did and that's what mattered to me.



I wish it weren't the weekend in Australia. I won't hear from my Aussie until Sunday at the earliest and I could so use a smile from him. He can always make my bad days better just by a simple email letting me know he's thinking about me. But I'll have to content myself to reread the ones he's already sent. Maybe it'll help me through this depression. I really hope that I don't wake up depressed tomorrow and I know I'm going to sleep tonight because I can already feel it. I just don't want to feel it anymore. I just want to feel good like I have been. I was doing great! Then my daughter...

And so brews the storm... the darkness... the wind... the rain... the lightening... the thunder... in the end, we'll see what's left...

The Storm Within

Okay, maybe it's not exactly a storm inside me, but it sure doesn't feel good. After not sleeping for over 24 hours I finally crashed hard. Yesterday and I went out to lunch with my nephews to Domino's for some yummy pizza I was exhausted and not feeling very well by the time we got back so I went to lay down. I got up long enough to take my 5:00pm medication because I knew they would wake me up long enough to take them so I cut them off at the pass so to say. After that, I slept. I woke up long enough to take my 10:00pm night meds and get right back to sleep. I can't really remember all my dreams, but something about one of them seemed like it took place on Halloween. Go figure.

Anyway, I woke up around 8:00am. I forced myself to stay awake. Maybe that was a bad idea. I don't know. But I thought I had slept enough. But even now I feel like I could just sleep. Maybe I will shortly. I guess it just depends on how I feel. Of course, right now I'm not feeling so good. Of course, I'm not. It's Mother's Day.

I should like Mother's Day, right? I'm a mother... However, I have screwed up so much as a mother to the point where my daughter hauled off and hit me in the face in January. I mean, it was her and her fiancé against me, but she's the one that hit me. It's just I know how badly I screwed up. There are so many other things I should have done and shouldn't have done, but I can't go back and fix them as much as I might want to. There were so many things I know now that I didn't know then that could have changed so much. I am just so depressed. I just completely failed with her and I keep asking myself why I didn't just let the state take her. It hurts. I didn't feel it before because I have been so angry, but I do hurt. And I know her wonderful fiancé had just continued to poison her. So that's fine. She can have him and hate me. It's what she wants. It hurts that she hates me because of my mistakes, but even more because her fiancé has just poisoned her and poisoned her and he continues to do so. I bet I hear from her when she's ready to come get the money I'm giving her. I don't think I'll even see her. I'll give staff the money to give to her because he'll be with her and I definitely don't want to see him. Period. He hates me, though he says he doesn't. He definitely wants her to hate me. So he can stay the hell away from me.

I'm just emotional. It doesn't help that I started. That I am still tired after all the lack of sleep. But this does hurt. At least Jordan called me. My son. The one child I succeeded with. He loves me so much and I love him so much. I don't know what I would do without him to be honest. He has been there for me and through a lot with me. And he even wants me to move in with him when he's ready to get a place. I just wish I didn't feel so depressed and like crying. I hate to cry. I feel vulnerable and out of control. Either is not okay for me. Not for anyone else. I have no problem telling others it's okay to cry, but it's never been okay for me. So what do I get for that? A sick and stormy feeling inside my chest... People will tell me to cry. Part of me wants to, but my automatic reaction is to stop it. It's not a response I chose consciously. It started in childhood. To cry was to be open to abuse because you were vulnerable and being vulnerable was an invitation to be emotionally abused further. SO even though I thinking crying is a good thing, I just can't. The only time I do is when I am in emotional crisis. If I'm crying, I am on the edge and ready to fall over the cliff or get swallowed up by the hurricane.

At least I have had several people here and on Facebook wish me a happy Mother's Day, but I can't seem to get passed the depression. Maybe tomorrow, after I have slept more and this day is over the depression will be gone. It's possible. I have experienced depressions that last only a day with things like this. Only I can see it lasting longer because the situation with my daughter is going to be going on for quiet awhile. We'll see, I guess. And I can't remember when my next appointment is with my Trauma Therapist. I don't know if it's going to make a difference where this is concerned, but maybe. I can hope.


Anyway, I might go out and get a soda at the Circle K, though I really shouldn't spend the money, but I feel like I just want to do something and maybe getting out for a bit, even if it is only for 10 minutes might pull me out of this depression, if only for a few minutes. Until then, the storm rages within.

Storm Brewing

Okay, first off, I didn't sleep last night. I mean, not at all. So that makes one night 2-3 hours of sleep, next night 6 hours of sleep followed by no sleep. Yeah, that's like 4 days and 3 nights? I am definitely feeling it tonight. I was fine this morning! I mean, I went ahead, took a shower, got dressed, made my bed. Got a few other things done before community meeting. It was raining so we didn't have to go on the walk. I wouldn't have cared, but it was kind of nice to get out of it. Also found out we got a new vacuum for the facility YAY! I have wanted to vacuum my bedroom for about a week. I mean, not that it's dirty really, but I'm sure crumbs have fallen down and I wanted to get those up. Then new chores come out today. I got cove 3 bathroom and common area. I just don't know why they didn't give me my own cove! I mean, it's weird to be in other people's coves. I feel like I am invading privacy or something. I mean, they even tell us we're not supposed to step into a cove that's not ours without permission. Not that anyone really listens except Rhonda, who I can't stand, makes a fuss over it. Anyway, when I went to take my morning meds I did let staff know that I felt uncomfortable, but I was just kinda told to suck it up for lack of a better term.

Well, it wasn't that big of a deal. I got it done and think I did a pretty darn, good job! I also make sure there is always extra toilet paper. Sometimes people don't do that in the coves. I like to make sure there's more than enough. Even in my cove I took several rolls and put them under just in case whoever had the chore didn't do it.

After that, I had a frozen breakfast meal. Jerry found then in the freezer so I just had to try one. It was pretty good. It was eggs, bacon and potatoes. It worked. But then it was time for Dual Diagnosis group... Ugh.... I do NOT have a dual diagnosis. Here, in the facility, it means than not only do you have a mental illness, but also an addiction. That doesn't fit me. Doesn't fit Jerry or my newest nephew. So it makes it the most boring group! I mean, I know all of it anyway. I actually almost nodded off a few times. I think I did for a few seconds here and there, but my restless legs started acting up really bad to where my legs were actually jerking. I think I can blame that on the lack of sleep too. But after group the guys and I were talking and I agreed to go to Starbucks because I knew staying here and doing nothing was going to be a really bad thing. I would want to sleep and my legs would be jerking and tingling and I would get frustrated, maybe even cry. So it was better to be out doing something.

Because Jerry had to be back to cook dinner we chose a Starbucks closer to here. Well, Jerry had to wait to talk to someone on staff. I was waiting to find out if I had mail. I did! I got two more of my DVDs and my Tarot Made Easy book. That book helped me so much in my readings. I did get rather good remembering the cards using this book. I mean, I couldn't remember everything and had to use it as a reference, but I have a talent for reading the cards. It's going to suck to break in the new cards when they get here, but it'll happen. I was kind of unhappy with the case for The Blacklist Season One. There was part of the inside literally broken so that the DVDs, though they can't get scratched, pretty much fall out of the case. Ugh! But at least I have it and that's the most important thing to me. So I got over it. LOL! I also got "The Day After Tomorrow" one of my favorite disaster flicks ever! But once Jerry was done we stayed long enough until the bus was coming and we took off. We went to McDonald's, with the intention of going to Starbucks, but we saw that first. We did end up at Starbucks too, but I don't think I'm going back to that one. I mean, there were hardly any outlets. Several of them didn't even work! Reception with the wifi sucked so bad where I had to sit that I couldn't even log online! But Manny got us Frapps. I do have to say that at least it was happy hour and all Frapps were half off! And that's only going to last until Sunday anyway, so as far as I'm concerned I would rather travel an hour on the bus to go to the one I like. The outlets work and they actually have comfy places to sit. Not crap places. That one ranked really, really low on my list.

When I checked the time the bus would be going back, which I should have checked earlier, we ran into a problem. Jerry needed to get back because he had to help cook dinner. He was up. Well, the bus wasn't going to be there until after Jerry needed to be back so he ended up going to catch the Sprinter and then the bus. He didn't get back right on time, but he got there earlier than he would have been with us. But before we left we stopped at The Dollar Tree we found. I only spent just over $8, but I got three big bottles of Arizona tea - two green and one sweet. I also got Pixie Stix. I can't resist those! I mean, who can resist flavored sugar?? LOL! Well, I can't anyway! I also got some Butter Toffee Fiddle Faddle and two big word search books. From there my newest nephew and I headed back. I was also writing with Patty B the whole time. We were writing something based off magic, but neither of us had the same idea and we couldn't get into it so we just dropped it and I started something new for us. I have no idea where it's going to go from here, but anything is possible. I just need to develop my character a little more and see where that takes me. Perhaps at that point I'll gain a direction.

I wasn't sure I would be able to eat dinner, but I did. It was tacos and the meat was actually seasoned! I am not a huge fan of corn tortillas, but it worked. Meat, lettuce, cheese and a hint of salsa. I didn't get any juice. That's usually what puts me over what I can hold in my stomach so I just decided I wouldn't do it. It worked out well. Then it was a matter of hanging on until group at 7:00pm. Usually it would have been socialization group, which means we usually watched movies. Wellness group we usually listen/watch music videos. Well, Wednesday when we were supposed to have music group, there was no laptop, so that became movie night. Okay, tonight was supposed to be music night. Well, the laptop was again, not available! LOL! So we ended up playing a game, kind of,. It was about getting to know each other. We were supposed to write a couple of things about ourselves that other people might not know. fold up the paper and put them in a basket. I wrote about three things. The first would have been hard to figure out if my smile hadn't given me away. It was that my first pet was a toy poodle named Jobo. Then the second one was that I was interested in ancient history and had even considered being an archaeologist. It took a little, but it was obvious it was me. Then the last one was a giveaway really. It was that my favorite miniseries was "Pride and Prejudice" starring Colin Firth. There is no one else here that would feel that way or that would have even seen it. THEN after that Jerry got his speaker and I said I would use my phone and we were able to play music. Only five of us were able to pick songs, but that was cool. I picked "A Pain I'm Used To" by Depeche Mode. I started thinking about why the song just clicked with me and I started thinking about the lyrics and suddenly I realized it fit things with my daughter, Cassi, after what happened yesterday. But it represents it, even from before. 

  "A Pain That I'm Used To"

I'm not sure
What I'm looking for anymore
I just know
That I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be
Instead of me
But the key
Is a question of control

Can you say
What you're trying to play anyway
I just pay
While you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find
Have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive
That is fuelled

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

There's a hole in your soul
Like an animal
With no conscience
Repentance unknown
Close your eyes
Pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds
That are sown

Can't conceal what I feel
What I know is real
No mistaking the faking
I care
With a prayer in the air
I will leave it there
On a note full of hope
Not despair

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

I mean, that just says it all. I am just so tired of dealing with her. I mean, she acts like a little bitch to me because I say that I hope she's going to go back to school... I have literally had it with her. Especially her being that way and then asking me to do something for her? I mean, it's something only I can do, but honestly, all I can think is why oh why didn't I give up my rights to the state when I had a chance? I just don't want anymore of her bullshit. Let her run off and sleep in a tent with her fiance. I don't care. Leave me out of it. They only want me around so they can ask me for things, but what it really comes down to is that once I give her the $28 I told her I'd give her, that's the end of it. I'll get her the Medi-Cal card because I'm the only one who can, but there is no way I am getting anything else for her or giving her anything else. Why should I? I'm not a bank and it's clear that I can't even suggest or ask or say anything to her, so that's it. I am done. Period. I honestly think I would be much better emotionally if she were just out of my life. She has no purpose in it except to use me because she sure as hell doesn't love me. I know the sheer intensity of the anger has a lot to do with being over tired, but I am still really angry and would be without being this exhausted. She doesn't care about me and really, I'm not sure I care about her either. Her fiance did a steller job of completely poisoning her. Yeah, I made mistakes,but he turned that into a hate.He wants her all to himself, he can have her. As I said, let them go live in a tent and have babies and all that and keep me the hell out of it. At least my son gives a crap and loves me. He doesn't use me and isn't an ass to me, and I made mistakes with him too. But whatever. She called me twice tonight I think. I rejected the calls each time. They didn't leave a voicemail and no text. If it's important they can leave a message or text me. Period. They don't need to hear my voice. She really has no idea just how much I don't want to deal with her anymore.

Anyway, Jerry figured out with my newest nephew how to make his hotspot unlimited! It's great because I am able to type this up on my own computer! It's so nice! Oh and I heard from my Aussie last night. It was such a sweet email. He told me I was adorable. He's never called me that before, which was very special and told me how when I share as much as I do with him it makes him feel closer to me and then he wrote Yours Always... What can I say? I will probably never meet him, but I do love him. Not that it would stop me from getting involved with someone. He doesn't expect me to not have anyone in my life. He wants me to so that I can have someone physically here with me. But he loves me and I love him. And it's so much more than romantic, passionate love. There is another dimension to it. Maybe it's because we were friends first and foremost. I can't wait for another email. However, I probably won't get one until Sunday at the earliest. I can't wait. His emails mean so much to me. They can bring a little sunshine into a whole sky of clouds, rain and lightning.

Anyway, I did go to Circle K for a treat. I got myself an X-Large drink - Orange Bang! I loved it as a kid and it still tastes great to me. Then I grabbed two baby bells. What can I say? I also talked with my care coordinator for a few minutes as I took my meds and ranted a little about my daughter. She thinks it's a good thing if I do set that boundary of not giving her anything else. I am sticking to it also. But my medication is working and with luck I will actually sleep tonight! I actually think I will because I can just feel my mind kind of slipping.... slipping into the storm....

Some Clouds Gathering But No Storm Front



Okay, today was, for the most part, rather calm. However, that being said, I only got about two hours of sleep last night, give or take. I just couldn't sleep. Even the medication didn't help. It doesn't happen often and hasn't happened for awhile, but sleep just didn't find me into the wee hours of the morning. However, I had planned to get one more hour of sleep before I absolutely had to get up. Unfortunately, my daughter decided to call me at 6:15am give or take a few minutes. There went that extra hour of sleep. To be honest, I can't remember much of what she as asking. It was either about her going to the ER, which she was supposed to have done that Friday. In fact, she's made one excuse after another for why she's been missing school. Whatever. If she wants to take herself down that road, let her. When she's ready she can correct it. I have really just washed my hands of her for the most part. I hate to say that, but what could I do after what happened in January. I mean, I ended up with a black eye that lasted a month. Not to mention bruises and muscle trauma to my left forearm. I love her, I do, but there is this distance that is always going to be there now. And the fact that she only contacts me when she wants something tells me exactly how she feels about me. I'm a bank. I am a person that she can just use. That's fine. But sooner or later the bank is getting closed and it's going to happen very soon. After the $28 I'm giving her this month to pay for her fiancé's birth certificate that got left in Mexico because they didn't realize I didn't have it, I'm pretty much done. I have my own bills to worry about. She doesn't like with me anymore and she never will again. She wants to be an adult and on her own, then she can do that without my help. Of course, I can't put my foot completely down until she is actually 18 years old and that can't come soon enough, unfortunately.

Anyway, so that was the end of my sleep for the night. I got up, got dressed, started going through things online and on Facebook, listening to my Depeche Mode that I'd bought on the Google PlayStore. Then it was community meeting time. Then the walk. Then I took care of a few things in my room, did my chore, took medication, though I almost forgot! I hate that I have been forgetting lately! It's not like me. I guess it's because I haven't been using my daily to do list. I really need to make sure I look at it every morning. It helps me stay on track. Group was different. Cassi had called me right before class to let me know she was just about at the Emergency Room and that I needed to call them. I had to explain to her that they would call ME! I informed the group leader of the phone call so when I got it there wasn't an issue of me taking it and leaving the group for a few minutes. I did get the call and she was seen. However, Cassi couldn't be bothered to call me and let me know how she was after that. I didn't hear back from her until the afternoon when she called to ask when she could get the $28. That's all she wanted. I told her whenever she wanted to come up and get it. Simple as that. Of course, then she told me she would when her fiancé had a day off. Oh joy! So he's going to come with her and I'm going to have to decide what to do. Do I see her? Do I not see her? Because I don't want to see him. If I seen her inside the facility he can't come in. Of course, if he can't she might not and will want me to come out. She doesn't get that I don't want to see him. I don't think he gets it, though he should. You don't emotionally abuse someone for six months, push their daughter to physically assault said person with his help and then expect everything is going to be okay. They literally did think things would just go back to how they were. No... That was a fantasy on their part. But I just don't want to see him. If she weren't my daughter I wouldn't see her either.

Anyway, that kind of had me a bit moody. But I distracted myself with talking with my nephews, writing with my friend from the Netherlands and playing on Facebook - also looking up old poetry and writing of mine to eventually save onto my new laptop - well, new to me! Also to share on Facebook in a group I'm in. I just joined it. It's calls Poems I believe.

I actually wanted to go out to eat some Mexican food for Cinco de Mayo, but I called the bank and found out I only have $5 left. Uh, yeah... Good thing I pulled out that $100 to keep on hand. But, of course, $28 is going to Cassi and her fiancé and another $18 is going towards filling my bus pass for the month. So it won't leave me much. I decided to put off the Mexican food. On top of that, I couldn't leave this afternoon because I ran the battery down on my phone. I use it a lot!

Anyway, dinner was good. I mean, not as good at the Pizza Pasta last night! LOL! But it was decent. It was a type of chicken casserole with rolls and a salad. I had more than I should, which is not a good thing. I did feel way too full when I went back to my room before our evening group. I just laid down on the bed, and of course, played on my phone. I have been worried about my Aussie. He hasn't written and by now he would have at least fired off a short note to me so I'm a bit worried. I know he was having some issues. Family health problems. I just hope nothing bad has happened. I'll feel better when I finally hear from him. By the time group rolled around though, I was so tired. I wouldn't necessarily say that I wanted to sleep, but I was definitely tired. But as the group got going and I started to participate I felt more awake and alert. I even got to lead the group for awhile, which was fun! It's practice for when I become a Peer Support Specialist and if I lead a group like this. I also think our Peer Support Specialist not only likes to give me the practice, but likes to see me use what I already know since I'm so familiar with Recovery International, how it works, what the tools are... Anyway, by the time group was over I was energized! So here I am, it's after 10:00pm and I am wide awake! LOL! I just took  my medication though, so with luck I'll get sleepy and actually sleep tonight! Fingers crossed.

So really, the only clouds that came were clouds my daughter brought with her. Other than that, it was a pretty nice day! With luck the weather pattern will hold!

Storm Clouds

Well, things have been relatively okay without too much upheaval and upset. There have only been a couple of irritations. Over the weekend, my daughter was due to come up here on Saturday; not so much to see me, but to come get the rings she's ordered off of Amazon.com and a note stating that I was giving permission for her fiancé to get her medical help. I really didn't want to see her. It was giving me a lot of anxiety actually. I think, in my head, I knew she was bringing her fiancé with her. I mean, no one wants to make a three hour journey alone if they don't have to, right?

Anyway, by 4:30pm, I figure she wasn't coming. I mean, it being Saturday. The buses run different and not as late. It was raining on top of it. But she called me when she got here. I heard in the background how her fiancé had just lost his wallet on the bus, so I knew he was there. As it turned out, she just wanted to grab the stuff and run because of all the fore-mentioned items. So she asked me if I would come to the door and give her the stuff because she didn't want to have to come in, sign in, get the visit pass and yada, yada, yada.... Well, I'm not allowed to open the front door. Only staff and it's for our protection basically, like from people that we don't want to have contact with who can set up back in our mental health recovery. So I told her the only thing I could do was to give it to staff and they could take it to her. So that's what happened. I didn't have to see her. I certainly didn't have to see him, which I wasn't anyway. I didn't sign a release for him to come in. But after they left, I just didn't know how to feel about it. I mean, she's my daughter. She came all the way up here, shouldn't we have at least seen each other? It was just odd. But things went on. The next day around the time she showed up the day before, or just before, I suddenly got really emotional. Things that would never normally bother me was causing me to feel like crying and I HATE to feel like I'm going to cry. My automatic response to crying is to try to stop it, even if it gives me a massive headache. I can't stand feeling vulnerable or out of control, though inside I still feel out of control like a storm. Though I suppose it was a low level one. It was really uncomfortable, but in my usual form, I just dealt with it. It's what I do. I did talk to someone on staff briefly. But I think it still left me sensitive because I still feel irritable a little bit. Well, actually, it seems like it's only happening in the evening.

Yesterday it was my turn to cook for the house. I'm actually not afraid to cook for the house anymore which is really cool because it used to scare me to death! I mean, who wants to screw up dinner for 10-14 people? My partner I knew wasn't going to be a lot of help actually cooking so I asked him to make the salad and set the table. There were still a couple of things he forgot to put out, but no biggie. I made Bacon Mac and Cheese from SCRATCH! I felt so accomplished afterwards when everyone liked it! The recipe didn't call for it, but I sautéed onions and put them in there along with garlic powder. I didn't put enough garlic in though because I couldn't taste it. But it really came out good and I know what to do next time to make it better, if and when I get assigned to that particular meal again. But the thing that irritated me is that EVERYONE is supposed to sit their ass at the table to eat. That means you DO NOT go into the kitchen and fix yourself a plate before everyone else! This girl has been here long enough to know this, so when I saw her just fix a bowl I was really irritated. Knowing I might not handle it well, considering my level of irritation (which is not like me to have) I went to staff to talk with her. I don't know how much good it did, but whatever. Dinner came out good. That's the important thing. The challenging thing during that was I got two calls from my daughter. One she was telling me how she had nothing to eat and her and her fiancé have no money until Saturday when they can cash his check from work and did I think her Aunt Diana would help her? I told her I would see what I could do, but there was no way I was calling my sister. The only person I did call was my best friend, but I made it clear I was only asking because I felt obligated. She also reminded me that she's had a place to stay and have food and instead she wanted to leave to be with her love. Well, look where that got you, sweetheart! I did ask staff and was giving a couple of suggestions. When she called backed I gave her the information. That no one was willing to help her. She had burnt too many bridges. So then she tries her manipulation tact that she's used before. "Well, while other people have a bed to sleep in and food to eat -" I cut her off. I didn't want to hear it and I literally put my foot down with her. I told her that, like my best friend had said, that she had been somewhere where she'd had a roof over her head. That she'd had food to leave and she CHOSE to leave! She got angry with me and asked if that's all I could stay to her right then. I thought about it and said yes. I was going to say something else, but she hung up on me. It was probably a good thing. I was upset, but the accomplishment of dinner definitely helped me get over it. On top of that, she made her bed, she has to lie in it. No one wants to help her because of how she's acted and treated them and me. It's as simple as that. So good luck to her in that department.

Then today... My day was actually going very well. I got up, went to community meeting, went for the walk around the block, came back, checked Facebook, did my chore, went to the first group of the day, had lunch.... Then 3:00pm I had my first full session with my trauma therapist. I thought it went well. I didn't think I was getting too emotional or anything. I mean, I felt something, but nothing I felt I couldn't handle. I did get a headache about halfway through. Should have realized that was a red flag. After the session as soon as we parted ways - it hit me. I suddenly felt drained. I felt emotional. I felt like I wanted to cry and I HATE to cry! When I went to take my 5:00pm pill I talked with the staff - which happened to be my care coordinator - about how I was feeling. Having gone through trauma therapy as well, she told me that in the beginning this is very normal and to do a lot of self care - drink water, have a healthy snack, rest, using coping skills, of course... At least I know it's normal. I did also tell her, so there are no miscommunications like I believe I had with my previous care coordinator, that I do not reach out easily for emotional support. I just don't. I have been there only one there for me my whole life. When I have needed to get help I had to do it for myself. If I was suicidal, I had to go get myself help. Of course, as far as my friends go, I only have one friend that can read my voice and knows if something off. Because everyone else doesn't notice a thing. Not that they're unobservant. I'm just that controlled. People don't get to see the emotions under the surface. The only one they might see is depression because I have never been able to really hide that. But anger, fear, irritation.... I had a bipolar episode that lasted for 6 months and no one noticed. I dealt with it that well or rather, I controlled the outside of myself that well. Of course, I had no idea I was in a bipolar episode at the time, or that what I was going through was psychiatric, but still, the point is, no one was able to tell.  So I told her that if I ever say I need to talk, it's because I REALLY need to talk. It takes a lot to get me to come to someone. I have to be practically in crisis.

Anyway, the irritation of the evening... My "nephew" Jerry was cooking dinner. My neighbor was supposed to help him. Her job was simple really. Set the table... You have two hours to get things done and get the table set. It's from 4:00pm to 6:00pm when dinner is supposed to start. It was literally a couple of minutes to 6:00pm and the table was barely set. Needless to say, I got irritated. It's not a big job. It doesn't take long and it's not rocket science. And she was on the phone almost constantly. You know, I cooked dinner one night and set the table all by myself. I was on the phone texting the whole time and I still got everything done and before the deadline. There is no reason she couldn't have done it. So it really irritated me. I decided I was just going to set the table since she obviously wasn't going to, so I went into the kitchen and started grabbing glasses and mugs. Suddenly she's there going, "I'll do that." And I wasn't trying to be rude or hurt her feelings, but I did say to her that it was 6:00pm and that it really should have already been done. I do think she took offense. I know she's sensitive and who likes to be corrected, right? But this is something you have to know! And I wasn't trying to be rude about it. Anyway, she hasn't said anything to me. She's not likely too, but I'm pretty sure I upset her. I hate that I did though. But I was definitely irritated. I think I would have been less irritated had I not felt so drained and emotional after having that session.

On the nice side, I went to group tonight. It's called Recovery International and we learn ways to cope with angry or fearful temper. No one wanted to use and example and I usually don't have anything to use and I certainly wasn't going to use anything that happened in the house. I just won't. So I used the call with my daughter. I wasn't sure I should, but it worked out and it felt good to talk about it. I got told how well I had handled it, because Ed, the group leader, had come in on the tail end of the call, so he got to see it for himself. But it was nice to get validated.

Anyway, the majority of the winds and rains have stopped inside. The sky isn't clear. The clouds are still there making up their mind to stay or leave, but at least the storm has calmed. Now I'm waiting for my Aussie to write, if he can and if he does that will make my night - or my morning! So right now, I just wait and see if the sun comes out tomorrow.

Hazy Skies

Life hasn't been bad these last few days. I was able to accomplish a few things and without any major upheavals in my life. The most that happened were mild irritations, but don't we all have them every day? It's just life.

I had a 24 hour heart monitor put on me the day before yesterday to monitor my heart during a normal day. I am just worried because my heart rate will drop into the 40's when I'm resting. That's pretty low, especially if you consider the fact that my resting rate used to be in the 60's. The thing is, almost every test I have ever taken for just about anything comes back normal. I mean, like 97% or higher of normal. Don't get me wrong! That's a good thing, but it's frustrating when things can't be explained, like the heart rate. I also get light headed and dizzy, my balance gets way off and I sometimes have heart palpitations that are not related to anxiety. I just like answers. It's how I am. I want to know why!

Anyway, I thought the thing was going to be big and bulky, but it wasn't. In fact, most of the time I forgot it was there, except for when I went to bed. It didn't bother me too much, but the tossing and turning made me feel it. I toss and turn a lot at night. I sleep like crap. I'm also prone to nightmares and troubling dreams. I like when I don't remember them. And according to research, so I was told by a very intelligent counselor, that if you don't remember your dreams it's because you completed your sleep cycle and should be well rested. If you wake up, know you dreamed, but can't remember your dreams then you woke up at the tail end of your dream cycle and still should be rather rested. But if you wake up and remember your dream it means that you woke up during your sleep cycle in REM and you'll probably be fatigued all day. I usually remember snippets of dreams and even if I don't I still seem tired. But I don't remember the last time I woke up and didn't remember anything. Even last night I had an anxiety dream. At least it's not what I consider a nightmare.

Yesterday I went to get the heart monitor taken off. I was supposed to be there by 3:00 pm, but I got so distracted doing about three things at once - writing with my friend in the Netherlands, chatting with another friend and going through some things on Facebook that I lost track of the time! I ended up leaving 30 minutes to and I had to take public transit. It's about a 45 minute trip. Needless to say I had to call and let them know I was going to be late. They told me it was fine, thank goodness, as long as I got there by 4:30 pm. I got there at 3:30 pm. I was glad to get that off. I will find out in a week and a half what the results are. I would have found out on Monday, but I couldn't make the appointment at the time they had. No way. So I it has to be the following Monday.

The only real frustrations I had were last night I wanted into the computer lab and the counselor was like "It's 15 minutes before I have to leave." Okay, that's still 15 minutes, but she was also trying to push me to take my night meds early. I'm sorry, but unless I am so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open I like to be the last one to take it, because after I take it, I go to sleep - at least briefly. But I could have started this and finished it up on my phone. Though I don't like to write emails on blogs on my phone if I can help it. It's just slower since I type pretty fast. And she had been trying to get me to take my meds for an hour before then. She asked me twice and I told her that I don't take my meds until late. Anyway, I waited until I didn't have choice but to go take it and I told her once again that I do not like to take my medication early. I never do. She told me that it was good to know, but I thought I had made that clear earlier? But she's a nice girl. I just hope she remembers for next time. We'll see. But the best part of yesterday was getting an email from my Aussie!

I wish I had something interesting to write or something creative to share, but I don't. I have written some dark poems over my time here, but haven't shared any of them. Perhaps I will. It's a dark glimpse into my soul and it's definitely not a pleasant place to be sometimes. It'll be the worst part of the storm that you can see without being in my head.

But today was just a day like any other. But I do have goals that I am going to try to pursue starting on May 1, 2015. I am going to look into Tai Chi classes. There is a particular place that I want to check out. Not only do they teach it for the peace and meditation of it, but they also teach the self defense moves of it too. That definitely intrigues me. It will also help  me with my balance and help me to meditate and calm my mind. In other words, quiet the storm. I also am going to see if the nearby firing range allows you to rent weapons for the range and gives safety classes. I want the experience of firing a weapon. If nothing else, it will make it easier for my writing. Experience can be everything. It's always better to write from experience. And who knows! Maybe in five years I'll invest in a weapon - depending on where I'm living and with whom, if anyone. I might even look into archery, but that's lower on my list. Also on the 1st I plan to fill out the volunteer form for the local Humane Society. I want to work with the cats, of course, and from what I heard they need cat people. Me me!! Chose me!! The last things on my list are to find a support group for PTSD, though because mine is Complex PTSD I wonder how much I'll fit in, but I won't know until I try. Then I want to find some creative art classes that I can take. I have an idea where to look, it's just a matter of scheduling. I also have to be careful not to burn myself out. But I really want to do these things and I have put off things I have wanted to do for far too long. In fact, I am considering also getting a tattoo FINALLY! I have put it off forever for one reason or another - usually money. But this coming month I can probably swing it. Just another thing for the list. LOL! I could put it off until the following month, but I don't know if I want to. I don't want to keep putting it off anymore.

Well, tomorrow will be another day. However, it might just be like all the others. On Saturday we'll have to see if the storm clouds come out. My daughter is coming to visit. Last time was all right, but this time she mentioned her fiancé. I do not want to see him. I didn't say no directly like I probably should have done, but I told her that what I needed to write out for him to use she could give to him. I do not want to see him. I do not want the phony apologies or the manipulation. Dealing with my daughter is enough. I love her, but I have come to the end. But that is the future and this is the now. I can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. Well, at least not until tomorrow! All I can do tonight is sit back, relax, write an email to my Aussie and see how he is before the weekend - since it's his Friday today. Maybe I'll do some writing. There's something special I want to write to share with my Aussie, so I'll think about it and maybe I'll act on it.

That's it and life goes on...

Not So Happy Easter

My Easter started by waking up from a nightmare. Usually the feelings brought on by a nightmare dissipates after I'm awake for awhile. Not this time. I woke up feeling depressed and feeling hopeless. 

Basically I was being held by the Cartel in Mexico. I was raped three times and they were trying to force me to marry this one man. I believe he was the son of the head honcho. I guess because I wouldn't they were going to take me out and kill me. This guy was driving me to the place in a convertible. He pulled over. I think I had talked him into it. Somehow I got his revolver and took off. I wound up at this hotel, but I knew they were trying to find me. Then I ran into this woman and her daughter and knew they were going to kill her if they found her. So I tried to help her. I can't remember if they caught her, but they caught me. I remember being held by my arms and being brought before the head honcho and they were going to kill me. It was like no matter what I did it didn't matter. I was still going to die. 

And so I felt depressed and hopeless. I know some of it was triggered by my daughter and her fiance. After what happened in January not only has she been trying to push/bully me into saying yes to something not in her best interests. She also gave her fiance my phone number to do the same. They have been pushing since last week. On Saturday I told them both I wasn't going to make a decision until Monday after I was able to make some calls, so what do they do on Easter? They call me to try to push again. Ugh! That just made everything worse. They expect me to be okay with the possibility I could get into trouble by telling me how smart they are and how it won't happen. Famous last words. I have talked to a few friends and counselors about it and they all say the same thing - Don't do it. I'm still calling legal aid to find out how much trouble I could get into, just to have that knowledge. But I'm worried that once I give them my answer the real pushing and bullying will start. They claim they have changed so much, but they haven't. Not one bit. I hate to say it. She's my daughter, I love her, but I can't wait until she's 18.

But basically my whole Easter was shot. At least we had a nice ham dinner. I guess that's something.