Eye of the Storm

Yesterday I woke up and it seemed like the gloom from Mother's Day had, indeed, worn off. I felt relatively good! That was, until I got a phone call from my daughter's school. I knew she hadn't been going to school, but I was informed it was over a month. I had been getting recorded called every day, but a month? And she had told me over and over how she was going to go back to school... yeah... and everyone told me. I guess what it really came down to is I just didn't want to fight with her anymore. Every time I dealt with her it set my emotionally recovery back that much farther. But here it was, I now had to call the school and explain to them that she did not live with me, therefore I had no control over whether or not she actually showed up. But it just sent me into a tailspin. I was so depressed after that. I can't tell you if it was because I was expected to do something I couldn't do (which was not implied, by the way), or that it was because I couldn't even talk to her about it. The one time I had mentioned school to her, which I believe I have already mentioned was when she jumped down my throat or rather got very nasty with me via text. I felt like not being able to do anything that a mother would do. I wasn't sure how I was going to get out of that frame of mind.

Then, Jason actually told me he was coming up to visit and he was serious! He got on the train and everything! I still didn't quite believe it at first, and I can't say I was excited, because my depression had me tight. But he showed up, took me to lunch at the Beach Break Café! My favorite place! I actually ordered something off the breakfast menu! I had a Denver omelet, home fries and biscuits with gravy and topped off with a root beer. That was before I knew what I was ordering, but it worked! Needless to say, I didn't even get halfway through it, but it was delicious! After that, we walked to the beach. Was we walked through the water I found some really nice shells, and really just enjoyed myself! I started feeing good! So by the time we went back and I talked with my Care Coordinator I was back to feeling happy. Of course, Jason left before I got out of the meeting. I figured that would happen since he has ADD and can't stay in one place long without some reason. But he plans to come up again on a weekend.  I think the beach was a good incentive for that. So for the rest of the evening I had a good time. In fact, my Tarot cards arrived! I did two readings and, as always, I was dead on for the past and the present. I still have it! So I went to bed feeling good. I even slept good, though it was HARD for me to get up this morning!

I woke up good this morning. I felt decent except being very tired. I have a feeling it was all those nights of not sleeping well. Anyway, I got up, got dressed, made my bed and do all the things I normally do - Go to Community Meeting, go for the walk, do my chore, take my medication, eat something... But before Group I was starting to fall asleep. That sleepiness hadn't gone away, so I actually went out and bought a Red Bull. It didn't help much. At least I was alert through group. It was good because it was a PAG group where we discuss things about the facility that we like and what we would like to see. I got to participate a lot. I was first with an idea - Art or Expressive Arts group. I really want that. I also made suggestions that I had put in the suggestion box, but told her there - about the fridge and the rubber strip for the mop closet to keep water from spilling into the hallway. Things were really going well, but I also knew my therapy appointment was coming up. I also knew that it wasn't going to be easy and that I was probably going to come away not feeling so good - such is trauma therapy. What didn't help was that I had a headache. I took something before the session, but it didn't work. Then during the session we talked about why Mother's Day had been so rough and I told him about how I just couldn't stop thinking about everything I did wrong. I also talked about how I had tried not to be like my mother... and he pointed out that I did the best I could with what I could. Again, I couldn't go back, which I kept saying myself, and he pointed out to me that my son came out great, so I had to have done something right.

We also talked about my mother, my Ex Husband and how my daughter had been molested up at his house when she was 7 by his 22 year old step son, he didn't believe her and even testified for the little prick. I also talked about how he used to be able to control me by saying he would take me to court, but during that time I went to three different court houses or a total of eleven times in seven month... yeah, I was cured. I also had his parental rights taken away. I was visibly still pissed. I even admitted that I guess I still hated him for that. He asked me if I fixated on this stuff. I told him no, that it usually didn't cross my mind, but when it did the feelings would come up like it was yesterday. That it was like that for a lot of memories - he called it reliving it. That's exactly what it is. I told him the only traumatic memory I have with no emotions attached to it is when I was molested. It's weird. I went through it with him and he seemed surprised. He asked me how I could have processed it. I have no clue and I don't know if I really did. I mean, it still effected my life. Then I told him next month is going to be difficult. I have my father's birthday, father's day and the date my niece died. I told him the hardest day is going to be the day my niece died. It was like losing a daughter or as close to it as I EVER want to get. I told him that it was like being hit by a freight train when I found out. And the funny thing, I haven't been emotional about her death in a long time. I mean, it took me YEARS before I could talk about her without crying, but now it seems like all of that's back and I think it might be because of what's going on with Cassi. It's one daughter versus the second daughter, I guess. I have lost them both in a way. And I don't know if I'll ever get Cassi back in any way, shape or form. I have a feeling like I won't, but the future is undetermined. I'm not going to pretend I know because I don't. But ever since that session I've had a very hard time. I feel like I want to cry. I feel very emotional. Maybe even emotionally overwhelmed. All I can say is thank God Patty B stayed on and wrote with me all the way up until evening group. She didn't know what was going on, but she just wrote with me and I needed that. It also helped that she had something really sad happen in the story and I was able to use that to express some of those feelings. Not to say I feel better because I don't. Plus my headache is still here and it's up to about a 7-8 which is usually the time I think about the ER to get some Delauded. But I have a worry that if I go, not only will I be stuck there waiting for hours, but by the time they release me, I will have no way to get back here. Public transportation doesn't run all night. But if it gets worse, I won't have a choice.

I am thinking about talking with the Peer Support Specialist here about all of this. I trust him and that says a lot. But I haven't decided yet. Anyway, I have moved from the eye of the storm (yesterday) back into the storm today. I can only see what the skies will bring tomorrow.

Cloudy, Windy and Lucky!

These last two days have been fantastic! I hardly know what to say! Yesterday I woke up and I was still a bit tired. I got more sleep than just 2-3 hours, but I still got under 6. So I was rather tired/sleepy when I wasn't doing something. I was glad to do my chore actually. After it though, Jerry and I hung out. We started talking about magic. Yes, magic. I had a lot of questions for him and wanted confirmation on a few things with him which I got. I can feel things rather than see things for the time being. But that's good. I am very young in the process. I don't expect anyone to understand this, but I had some very interesting visions and I needed to know what they meant. I got the answers. It was exhilarating! Afterwards he told me I was going to have a very lucky day. He wasn't kidding! I am drawn to the water and I have more than one reason to be drawn to the water now, so I went to the beach and walked in the surf. The skies were gray, the wind was blowing a bit, the waves were strong and I still took off my socks and sandals and walked in the water. I let it splash over my feet and sometimes when the waves surged it would go up to mid calf. I was wearing jeans so... but I knew I was going to get wet so it didn't really bother me that much. I was looking for shells, but with as strong as the waves were I couldn't find any and what I did find were broken pieces. I asked just to find one whole, intact shell. Guess what? I found one! It was literally the only one! I also took 42 pictures of the beach and mostly of the waves. I even got to feel the spray on my face a few times. I loved it! Then when I got back to my place I decided to go fill my bus pass for the month finally. On the way, I stopped at 7 Eleven because I had to break my $5 bill. I expected 3 $1 bills back. I got one and then a $2 bill!! Wow! I was so excited! There was no way I was trading that in for two bucks! Then went I went to leave, the other person working there handed me a triangular box and said, "Here have a free piece of pizza." Another WOW! So I decided to push my luck a little bit and since I didn't have the change to ride the bus to the transit center I thought I would explain to the bus driver and see what happened. Worst case scenario I broke my other $5 and waited for the next bus. Well, the bus driver told me not to worry about it! So I got a free drive to the transit center, then when I got to Customer Service there was no line! OMG! I was told later by my other nephew I should have bought a lottery ticket! LOL! I couldn't! I just don't gamble. It's like a waste of money to me. But I could not have asked for a more lucky or better day! The only irritating part of yesterday was that last night I couldn't get onto the computer because the new woman working here didn't have the password to get me on to it. Ugh! But that's okay. I got over it! I did sleep relatively early last night, but I woke up so groggy! Ah well. The last two nights caught up. Hopefully tonight I'll sleep well and wake up refreshed! That would be so nice!

Today has been pretty good for the most part. There was the hint of thunder and lightening however. As I said, I woke up still sleepy. That sucked, but I managed to start my day relatively easy. I did my chore, ate breakfast, went to my room and tried my best not to fall asleep! LOL! I started writing with my friend Patty B, checked in on Facebook and the like. Then I went to morning group where I pretty much wanted to fall asleep. If I hadn't been able to participate I might have! But I woke up a bit when I could add my input and share what I'd learned over time. Basically the lessons we're on in DBT was interpersonal relationships... Yeah... Maybe I'll learn something. Maybe not. I know how to manage relationships except with family. That's an issue. But right now I am learning. Other than that, I already know everything they're talking about. So I shared my own personal experiences. Of course, after that, and when I went back to my room I started getting tired again, so I decided to go to the Farmers Market. Thought I could anyway. I hopped the bus and it turns out that it moves from one location to another. Yeah... when it moves it doesn't open until 5:00pm. Yeah, it was barely 2:00pm I think. So yeah, that wasn't happening. Of course, on my way there my daughter contacts me about her having a job. Great, I said. But I told I hoped she was still going to go to school. She freakin gives me attitude! Excuse me?? That got me worked up. Eventually I told her that she needed to focus on herself other than everyone else because she was asking me when I was going to get a job, which I knew she meant it in a "Bitch" fashion. I almost told her none of her business, but I told her I was waiting on my training class because I could get a job. Then she starts talking about Jordan her brother and is he working yet or still being a loser or however she put it. That's when I told her to focus on herself. Then she comes at me about staying out of her business. I was ready to say something else to her, but I chose not to reply. I still want to. I won't tell her I'm her mother because that will set all kinds of other things off. But she hasn't been going to school and I keep getting calls twice a day from her school notifying me she's absent and each time it's during a group. But then she asks me when I'm getting her her Medi-Cal card. I swear, I want to smack her or at the very least disown her and let her figure this crap out on her own. I am tired of her attitude and then turning around and expecting me to do for her. I suppose I am the one that has to get the card for her, but I honestly don't want to do a thing for that child. After what she did to me in January - her and her fiancé - I don't owe her squat. What I should have done was give her up to the state. I really just don't need the crap she gives me. It ends up derailing my recovery from my mental health issues like the PTSD, which I had added to because of January. When she's 18 that's it. She better not ask me for a thing and if she doesn't like it, I hope she has a nice life. If she wants to change and wants me in her life at some point then maybe things will change, but as I see them right now, I don't see us having much of a future as family. I know that's so sad, but... it is how it is. So that's the threat of thunder and lightening. I am still rather upset when I think about it. She pushes my buttons like no one else can.

I did, however, put it out of my mind and on my way back to the transit center I stopped at the t-shirt mart to see if they had any light blue t-shirts in my size. Jerry told me I would need one once I started working as a volunteer at the Humane Society. They had one so I grabbed it. It wasn't exactly the color I wanted, but it was close enough! Plus it was under $6! Then I decided I was going to walk down this one street and look to see what shops or places were there. I found a coffee house called Maui Wow. They, of course, specialize in Hawaiian coffee. I couldn't resist. I went inside and ordered an iced coffee. They had macadamia nut flavored syrup!! I got three shots of it in a large, purple, plastic Tiki cup with a pink lid! My two favorite colors! It was really good! The bad thing was that my reception sucked for my cell phone and I didn't think to turn my wifi on. Duh! So I got kicked off aim. Not good when I was writing with Patty B. But as soon as I left, after drinking most of my coffee, it came right back. Then I continued walking to the transit. Once I got to my stop, I got a soda at the Circle K and headed back to the house. After I got settled, my other nephew was there. He finished two chapters of my book and asked if it was romantic, I told him yes. Then I realized from our previous conversation that he was rather innocent and I told him it was probably better that he didn't read any more of it anyway! LOL! The scenes in there are rather explicit. LOL! Yeah... He asked me a lot of questions and I answered them the best I could without being two graphic, but he wasn't interested in reading more of it anyway because of the romance. But then we started talking about stories and how he didn't think they needed romance. I mean, I suppose they don't, but I think it adds so much more to a character or story. It can turn a one dimensional character into a real full-blow character. When I wrote for Star Trek PBeM role play groups I was the one the guys went to to  complicate their character's lives to make them multi-dimensional for the most part. I was kind of the Complication Queen! LOL! It was fun! I miss the role play groups. We had such a great group of writers.

After that we started talking about the tarot. He didn't know what Tarot cards were so I explained that to him and that I had a deck that got left in Mexico with just about everything else of mine. I have ordered another deck from Amazon. Same deck. But it won't have  my energy in it. It will take time for it to soak it in. Not that I won't be accurate with my readings, but they work better the longer you have them. Plus, no one else should handle your deck except you, because it can muddle the energies. I was explaining how you chose a deck by which one you're drawn to. A lot of it is about the artwork/design. It will represent you as a person. I was really good at the tarot. I have no doubt I still am. I have that ability within me. You have to have the ability too. I used a three card spread mostly. Past, Present, Future. Now the thing is, I fully believe the future is fluid. Just because I read you what I see for the future doesn't mean it's going to happen that way. That's just the outcome of the path the person is on at that given time. But because I have told them, they can change it. However, I know how accurate I am, not because of future divination, but the fact I always nailed the past and the present of the situation. If you can't do that, how are you going to read the future? And my accuracy was up there. But it was fun to talk with my newest nephew. We talked about the different cards in the deck and what they represent. Like the death card rarely represents death. It's often portrayed in the moves and TV that it does, but what it really represents is a change. Something in your life is going to end and you're going to get a new beginning. That's it. The worst card in the deck is the tower. It represent destruction. Basically things turning to crap. I do not like that card, but if it comes up, it's good to pay attention to it. It came up when I was reading the course my marriage was taking. I got that card as the final outcome card. Now before you think that's why I divorced him, it's not. I hung on for another 7 years. I just finally got tired of his crap, his abuse... I was done. And by the time I was done I hated his guts. I would definitely say the tower was rather accurate.

Anyway, after that I had to go take my 5:00pm medication and I was kinda late on it. they actually had to come and remind me. What floored me was that I got mail! I was expecting maybe a couple of the packages I ordered through Amazon. OMG! I got a box and about seven envelopes! I got almost everything all at once! LOL! That was a shock and I was actually a bit embarrassed, believe it or not. But I was happy to have them. I immediately went to my room and opened them all. Oh man, my 007 movies came in - James Bond (Daniel Craig) Collection! Yes! Pride and Prejudice Miniseries with Colin Firth - YES! Gotch! Yes! So happy, happy!

Then it was dinner, then evening group - House Beautification! Ick! But I actually got a chore I got really into. Most chores you can finish in an hour, but I was so into it that I was at it an hour! But I felt good having done it. I think I might even request it next week if I can. I have to say though, that as soon as I was done I was asking to get onto the computer! LOL! I couldn't wait to write my Aussie and write here. What can I say? I just had to share how the last two days have been. Especially the very lucky day I had!

So we'll see how the weather fairs tomorrow!

Clear Skies

And life continues day by day. My days are pretty even, at least the last two. No major irritations. No problems. I've been in a good mood for the most part, even if tired. It's nice to feel this way! I don't know how long it will stay, but I am certainly going to enjoy the sun while it's out! My days Monday through Friday are pretty much the same:

7:30am - 7:50pm: Wake Up Make Bed

8:00am : Community Meeting

8:15am - 8:30am: Walk

8:45am - Breakfast

9:10am: Chore

10:00am : Medication

11:00am: Group (varies every day)

Noon: Lunch

1:00am - 6:00pm : Free Time

5:00 : Medication

6:00pm : Dinner

7:00pm : Group (varies every day)

8:00 : NOTHING!

10:00pm : Medication

Shortly there after sleep - usually and hopefully

Yesterday I saw the Ahole Pdoc, but surprise, surprise, he didn't try treating me like an idiot this time! He took time and treated me like an adult. It's about freaking time! LOL! So the session went well. He's taking me off the medication that was causing me to gain weight, which was NOT acceptable and I would have had to stop taking it with or without his consent. He's trying me on gabapentin. With luck, that'll help me sleep tonight, since I start it this evening. It's actually an anti seizure medication. But they also use it to treat peripheral neuropathy pain and even pain from shingles. But it also works for sleep, so we'll see! May I fall into a peaceful slumber tonight! But it was nice for him not to be a jerk. I did get a chance to explain what happened the one day I walked out. I thought he should know, just because. I like people to understand why I am the way I am. I explained I had been triggered over and over for a week and a half by the time I saw him and I was just about ready to lose it. It's as simple as that. I think he understood. Of course, not that I'm keeping him as my Pdoc. I just won't. One good session doesn't mean he and I are a good fit as far as doctor and patient. But I am glad it went well.

Last night I cooked dinner for the house. One of the people who were supposed to cook wasn't feeling well, so staff came and asked me. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I was so tired! Of course, today I've been tired too. But yesterday was bad. However, I thought, what the heck! SO I got out there. Turned out to be something easy. The girl that helped me, besides looking confused a lot of the time, took direction really well! It was good working for her. And it's so nice not to be afraid to cook for the house anymore. I used to be terrified. Now it's like, okay, what am I making? I mean, it's a set menu, of course, so there is no trying to guess and the items are relatively easy. Last night was Buffalo chicken wings - of course, it turned out to be southwestern chicken wings because that was the sauce they had. LOL! I had never friend chicken before so that was different, but it came out relatively well. Maybe one day I'll try frying actually chicken pieces. I didn't have to cook these ones entirely the way through because I had to bake them too. We served it with veggies that I put butter and garlic in, buttered rice (which had been left over from the dinner the night before and I figured why not use it) and then salad. We have salad every meal - or we're supposed to. Sometimes some people don't manage to get to it for some reason. I don't know how they can't though. You have two whole hours to cook! Anyway, it turned out good! I was so happy! Nothing is better than cooking a meal that people enjoy! I felt quite accomplished.

I'm not sure how I'm going to sleep tonight though. Tomorrow my son is coming to visit and I am so excited! I have missed him so much! I'm taking him out to lunch at the café a block away called The Beach Break Café. They serve the best burgers and their fries are always perfect! It's going to be good, but mostly to see him! He's going to show me his tarot deck, which I can't wait to see. The kids and I have always been into the occult and I have always been good at reading the tarot. I haven't done it in awhile, but also, I don't believe the future is fixed. Just because I read the cards and tell you what I see, it doesn't mean it's actually going to happen. As soon as I tell you, you might take actions to change it and, thus, cause a different future. The future is simply fluid. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I know it would be considered witchcraft, but I have a gift and there is no way in the world I believe it's dark magic. I just don't. Period. But the most important thing is I get to see him! And I get to introduce him to my nephew Jerry! Jordan already thinks of him as a cousin and they haven't even met! I just hope I sleep tonight with all the excitement I feel! I always get excited for the 1st anyway, because it's when I get money, but having Jordan come up is just the icing on the cake!

Anyway, tonight's group was House Beautification, which is my least liked group. Of course, I don't think anyone here likes having a group solely for doing chores! LOL! But mine was relatively easy. I got the living room bathroom. Had not just do the regular cleaning, but to really clean around the toilet, wipe down the walls, door knob, handles... I had to check the couch cushions for trash. There wasn't anyway that I could tell. I was done in less than 30 minutes. Then I wrote an email to my Aussie! He wrote me yesterday. He wrote me a short little note and then added onto a story we're writing together. I can't wait to think of what to add to it! ;-) But I always smile when I see I have an email from him.

Okay, all in all, clear skies... the sun it out... and for this moment in time, I'm happy!

  

The Calm

Today was mostly clear skies. No dark clouds on the horizon which is a good thing. It wasn't too exciting though, but that's all right. It's like this Chinese saying I heard years ago and have heard it's actually a curse goes - May You Live In Interesting Times. Interesting isn't always a good thing, but maybe for the most part it is. However, today was not either way.

I even had less to do today than on a normal Monday through Friday week. We have group here at 11:00am. Well, today is WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) group. Once you do all the lessons you don't have to attend them. I'm not completely finished, but today was lesson 4 and I am clear up until lesson 7. That's the last one I need and then I have completed the course. It's too bad I couldn't have finished this a couple of weeks ago. I could have signed up for the Peer Support Training classes. They are only held once a year in this area, so I'm pretty sad about that. It means that my goal of becoming a Peer Support Specialist is on hold for awhile. But it is what it is, so it's not worth getting upset over. Anyway, it left me with an extra hour to myself. Of course, there isn't much to do here so I spent the time in my room on my phone and on the internet. I was listening to Depeche Mode - a given - and checking on different things. I was waiting for my friend from the Netherlands to come online so we could write together. However, her mother's birthday was today so she was a bit late. But it's great fun writing with her and right now our current story is pretty interesting. I based parts of it from a nightmare I had the night before Easter. It's nice when I can pull negative things and use them positively or creatively. I usually take them and find a way to put them in my writing somewhere. Maybe not the exact event, but elements of it. After all, once you experience something it's easier to write about. You can describe it because you know how it felt with all senses. Just like being attacked by two people. I didn't know what that was like until January. But now I have and instead of letting it destroy me, I use that in my writing because now I know what it's like to get hit in the face, or rather, on the side of the face and eye.

Outside of that, I got on Facebook messenger for the first time in what feels like months. I think it has been at least two months. However, I felt it was time and slowly I hope to work back into running my group on there again. I like to help people and not doing that has taken something away from my life, I think.

I did get an email from my Aussie. He's such a great friend and every time I hear from him, he makes me smile. There's something about having a friend you can tell anything to that means so much. I can share with him things in my head that I can't seem to share with anyone else. I feel comfortable so comfortable and trust him so much that I share the thoughts in the dark recesses of my mind that I let no one into. When the storms are raging inside I can turn to him and tell him everything and he doesn't turn me away. He doesn't judge me. He just loves and supports me the best he can from where he is. I can't even begin to explain how much that means to me. It's a rare and precious gift. And every time I get an email from him, I smile and it brightens my whole day, even if it's an email about life and nothing else. So that was a special treat this evening and has made my night.

Now, it's after dinner. We have two people leaving here where I live. They have "graduated" the program, so to say, so we had a goodbye group. It's called a marble ceremony. Essentially, the person picks out a marble (or shell, or rock) and it gets passed from person to person and they say something special to the person leaving and their hopes and wishes for their future. These ceremonies are really a wonderful thing. I went through one at the Crisis House I was in back in January and I won't forget a couple of the comments because they really meant a great deal to me. I still have that marble too. I keep it somewhere it can't get lost. Usually it's only one person leaving, but tonight there were actually two. It's not something that happens here very often either, so it was interesting and nice. I didn't know either of them very well though, but they are both talented and I hope the best for them in the future.

So now, here I am posting on my blog and listening to Depeche Mode. Perhaps it's not exactly quiet because of the music drifting in my ears, but my mind is calm which is a great thing. I may not know what tomorrow will bring, but I know for now, things are good. This moment is all there is and I'm all right.