Eye of the Storm

Yesterday I woke up and it seemed like the gloom from Mother's Day had, indeed, worn off. I felt relatively good! That was, until I got a phone call from my daughter's school. I knew she hadn't been going to school, but I was informed it was over a month. I had been getting recorded called every day, but a month? And she had told me over and over how she was going to go back to school... yeah... and everyone told me. I guess what it really came down to is I just didn't want to fight with her anymore. Every time I dealt with her it set my emotionally recovery back that much farther. But here it was, I now had to call the school and explain to them that she did not live with me, therefore I had no control over whether or not she actually showed up. But it just sent me into a tailspin. I was so depressed after that. I can't tell you if it was because I was expected to do something I couldn't do (which was not implied, by the way), or that it was because I couldn't even talk to her about it. The one time I had mentioned school to her, which I believe I have already mentioned was when she jumped down my throat or rather got very nasty with me via text. I felt like not being able to do anything that a mother would do. I wasn't sure how I was going to get out of that frame of mind.

Then, Jason actually told me he was coming up to visit and he was serious! He got on the train and everything! I still didn't quite believe it at first, and I can't say I was excited, because my depression had me tight. But he showed up, took me to lunch at the Beach Break Café! My favorite place! I actually ordered something off the breakfast menu! I had a Denver omelet, home fries and biscuits with gravy and topped off with a root beer. That was before I knew what I was ordering, but it worked! Needless to say, I didn't even get halfway through it, but it was delicious! After that, we walked to the beach. Was we walked through the water I found some really nice shells, and really just enjoyed myself! I started feeing good! So by the time we went back and I talked with my Care Coordinator I was back to feeling happy. Of course, Jason left before I got out of the meeting. I figured that would happen since he has ADD and can't stay in one place long without some reason. But he plans to come up again on a weekend.  I think the beach was a good incentive for that. So for the rest of the evening I had a good time. In fact, my Tarot cards arrived! I did two readings and, as always, I was dead on for the past and the present. I still have it! So I went to bed feeling good. I even slept good, though it was HARD for me to get up this morning!

I woke up good this morning. I felt decent except being very tired. I have a feeling it was all those nights of not sleeping well. Anyway, I got up, got dressed, made my bed and do all the things I normally do - Go to Community Meeting, go for the walk, do my chore, take my medication, eat something... But before Group I was starting to fall asleep. That sleepiness hadn't gone away, so I actually went out and bought a Red Bull. It didn't help much. At least I was alert through group. It was good because it was a PAG group where we discuss things about the facility that we like and what we would like to see. I got to participate a lot. I was first with an idea - Art or Expressive Arts group. I really want that. I also made suggestions that I had put in the suggestion box, but told her there - about the fridge and the rubber strip for the mop closet to keep water from spilling into the hallway. Things were really going well, but I also knew my therapy appointment was coming up. I also knew that it wasn't going to be easy and that I was probably going to come away not feeling so good - such is trauma therapy. What didn't help was that I had a headache. I took something before the session, but it didn't work. Then during the session we talked about why Mother's Day had been so rough and I told him about how I just couldn't stop thinking about everything I did wrong. I also talked about how I had tried not to be like my mother... and he pointed out that I did the best I could with what I could. Again, I couldn't go back, which I kept saying myself, and he pointed out to me that my son came out great, so I had to have done something right.

We also talked about my mother, my Ex Husband and how my daughter had been molested up at his house when she was 7 by his 22 year old step son, he didn't believe her and even testified for the little prick. I also talked about how he used to be able to control me by saying he would take me to court, but during that time I went to three different court houses or a total of eleven times in seven month... yeah, I was cured. I also had his parental rights taken away. I was visibly still pissed. I even admitted that I guess I still hated him for that. He asked me if I fixated on this stuff. I told him no, that it usually didn't cross my mind, but when it did the feelings would come up like it was yesterday. That it was like that for a lot of memories - he called it reliving it. That's exactly what it is. I told him the only traumatic memory I have with no emotions attached to it is when I was molested. It's weird. I went through it with him and he seemed surprised. He asked me how I could have processed it. I have no clue and I don't know if I really did. I mean, it still effected my life. Then I told him next month is going to be difficult. I have my father's birthday, father's day and the date my niece died. I told him the hardest day is going to be the day my niece died. It was like losing a daughter or as close to it as I EVER want to get. I told him that it was like being hit by a freight train when I found out. And the funny thing, I haven't been emotional about her death in a long time. I mean, it took me YEARS before I could talk about her without crying, but now it seems like all of that's back and I think it might be because of what's going on with Cassi. It's one daughter versus the second daughter, I guess. I have lost them both in a way. And I don't know if I'll ever get Cassi back in any way, shape or form. I have a feeling like I won't, but the future is undetermined. I'm not going to pretend I know because I don't. But ever since that session I've had a very hard time. I feel like I want to cry. I feel very emotional. Maybe even emotionally overwhelmed. All I can say is thank God Patty B stayed on and wrote with me all the way up until evening group. She didn't know what was going on, but she just wrote with me and I needed that. It also helped that she had something really sad happen in the story and I was able to use that to express some of those feelings. Not to say I feel better because I don't. Plus my headache is still here and it's up to about a 7-8 which is usually the time I think about the ER to get some Delauded. But I have a worry that if I go, not only will I be stuck there waiting for hours, but by the time they release me, I will have no way to get back here. Public transportation doesn't run all night. But if it gets worse, I won't have a choice.

I am thinking about talking with the Peer Support Specialist here about all of this. I trust him and that says a lot. But I haven't decided yet. Anyway, I have moved from the eye of the storm (yesterday) back into the storm today. I can only see what the skies will bring tomorrow.

The Storm Within

Okay, maybe it's not exactly a storm inside me, but it sure doesn't feel good. After not sleeping for over 24 hours I finally crashed hard. Yesterday and I went out to lunch with my nephews to Domino's for some yummy pizza I was exhausted and not feeling very well by the time we got back so I went to lay down. I got up long enough to take my 5:00pm medication because I knew they would wake me up long enough to take them so I cut them off at the pass so to say. After that, I slept. I woke up long enough to take my 10:00pm night meds and get right back to sleep. I can't really remember all my dreams, but something about one of them seemed like it took place on Halloween. Go figure.

Anyway, I woke up around 8:00am. I forced myself to stay awake. Maybe that was a bad idea. I don't know. But I thought I had slept enough. But even now I feel like I could just sleep. Maybe I will shortly. I guess it just depends on how I feel. Of course, right now I'm not feeling so good. Of course, I'm not. It's Mother's Day.

I should like Mother's Day, right? I'm a mother... However, I have screwed up so much as a mother to the point where my daughter hauled off and hit me in the face in January. I mean, it was her and her fiancé against me, but she's the one that hit me. It's just I know how badly I screwed up. There are so many other things I should have done and shouldn't have done, but I can't go back and fix them as much as I might want to. There were so many things I know now that I didn't know then that could have changed so much. I am just so depressed. I just completely failed with her and I keep asking myself why I didn't just let the state take her. It hurts. I didn't feel it before because I have been so angry, but I do hurt. And I know her wonderful fiancé had just continued to poison her. So that's fine. She can have him and hate me. It's what she wants. It hurts that she hates me because of my mistakes, but even more because her fiancé has just poisoned her and poisoned her and he continues to do so. I bet I hear from her when she's ready to come get the money I'm giving her. I don't think I'll even see her. I'll give staff the money to give to her because he'll be with her and I definitely don't want to see him. Period. He hates me, though he says he doesn't. He definitely wants her to hate me. So he can stay the hell away from me.

I'm just emotional. It doesn't help that I started. That I am still tired after all the lack of sleep. But this does hurt. At least Jordan called me. My son. The one child I succeeded with. He loves me so much and I love him so much. I don't know what I would do without him to be honest. He has been there for me and through a lot with me. And he even wants me to move in with him when he's ready to get a place. I just wish I didn't feel so depressed and like crying. I hate to cry. I feel vulnerable and out of control. Either is not okay for me. Not for anyone else. I have no problem telling others it's okay to cry, but it's never been okay for me. So what do I get for that? A sick and stormy feeling inside my chest... People will tell me to cry. Part of me wants to, but my automatic reaction is to stop it. It's not a response I chose consciously. It started in childhood. To cry was to be open to abuse because you were vulnerable and being vulnerable was an invitation to be emotionally abused further. SO even though I thinking crying is a good thing, I just can't. The only time I do is when I am in emotional crisis. If I'm crying, I am on the edge and ready to fall over the cliff or get swallowed up by the hurricane.

At least I have had several people here and on Facebook wish me a happy Mother's Day, but I can't seem to get passed the depression. Maybe tomorrow, after I have slept more and this day is over the depression will be gone. It's possible. I have experienced depressions that last only a day with things like this. Only I can see it lasting longer because the situation with my daughter is going to be going on for quiet awhile. We'll see, I guess. And I can't remember when my next appointment is with my Trauma Therapist. I don't know if it's going to make a difference where this is concerned, but maybe. I can hope.


Anyway, I might go out and get a soda at the Circle K, though I really shouldn't spend the money, but I feel like I just want to do something and maybe getting out for a bit, even if it is only for 10 minutes might pull me out of this depression, if only for a few minutes. Until then, the storm rages within.