Some Clouds Gathering But No Storm Front



Okay, today was, for the most part, rather calm. However, that being said, I only got about two hours of sleep last night, give or take. I just couldn't sleep. Even the medication didn't help. It doesn't happen often and hasn't happened for awhile, but sleep just didn't find me into the wee hours of the morning. However, I had planned to get one more hour of sleep before I absolutely had to get up. Unfortunately, my daughter decided to call me at 6:15am give or take a few minutes. There went that extra hour of sleep. To be honest, I can't remember much of what she as asking. It was either about her going to the ER, which she was supposed to have done that Friday. In fact, she's made one excuse after another for why she's been missing school. Whatever. If she wants to take herself down that road, let her. When she's ready she can correct it. I have really just washed my hands of her for the most part. I hate to say that, but what could I do after what happened in January. I mean, I ended up with a black eye that lasted a month. Not to mention bruises and muscle trauma to my left forearm. I love her, I do, but there is this distance that is always going to be there now. And the fact that she only contacts me when she wants something tells me exactly how she feels about me. I'm a bank. I am a person that she can just use. That's fine. But sooner or later the bank is getting closed and it's going to happen very soon. After the $28 I'm giving her this month to pay for her fiancé's birth certificate that got left in Mexico because they didn't realize I didn't have it, I'm pretty much done. I have my own bills to worry about. She doesn't like with me anymore and she never will again. She wants to be an adult and on her own, then she can do that without my help. Of course, I can't put my foot completely down until she is actually 18 years old and that can't come soon enough, unfortunately.

Anyway, so that was the end of my sleep for the night. I got up, got dressed, started going through things online and on Facebook, listening to my Depeche Mode that I'd bought on the Google PlayStore. Then it was community meeting time. Then the walk. Then I took care of a few things in my room, did my chore, took medication, though I almost forgot! I hate that I have been forgetting lately! It's not like me. I guess it's because I haven't been using my daily to do list. I really need to make sure I look at it every morning. It helps me stay on track. Group was different. Cassi had called me right before class to let me know she was just about at the Emergency Room and that I needed to call them. I had to explain to her that they would call ME! I informed the group leader of the phone call so when I got it there wasn't an issue of me taking it and leaving the group for a few minutes. I did get the call and she was seen. However, Cassi couldn't be bothered to call me and let me know how she was after that. I didn't hear back from her until the afternoon when she called to ask when she could get the $28. That's all she wanted. I told her whenever she wanted to come up and get it. Simple as that. Of course, then she told me she would when her fiancé had a day off. Oh joy! So he's going to come with her and I'm going to have to decide what to do. Do I see her? Do I not see her? Because I don't want to see him. If I seen her inside the facility he can't come in. Of course, if he can't she might not and will want me to come out. She doesn't get that I don't want to see him. I don't think he gets it, though he should. You don't emotionally abuse someone for six months, push their daughter to physically assault said person with his help and then expect everything is going to be okay. They literally did think things would just go back to how they were. No... That was a fantasy on their part. But I just don't want to see him. If she weren't my daughter I wouldn't see her either.

Anyway, that kind of had me a bit moody. But I distracted myself with talking with my nephews, writing with my friend from the Netherlands and playing on Facebook - also looking up old poetry and writing of mine to eventually save onto my new laptop - well, new to me! Also to share on Facebook in a group I'm in. I just joined it. It's calls Poems I believe.

I actually wanted to go out to eat some Mexican food for Cinco de Mayo, but I called the bank and found out I only have $5 left. Uh, yeah... Good thing I pulled out that $100 to keep on hand. But, of course, $28 is going to Cassi and her fiancé and another $18 is going towards filling my bus pass for the month. So it won't leave me much. I decided to put off the Mexican food. On top of that, I couldn't leave this afternoon because I ran the battery down on my phone. I use it a lot!

Anyway, dinner was good. I mean, not as good at the Pizza Pasta last night! LOL! But it was decent. It was a type of chicken casserole with rolls and a salad. I had more than I should, which is not a good thing. I did feel way too full when I went back to my room before our evening group. I just laid down on the bed, and of course, played on my phone. I have been worried about my Aussie. He hasn't written and by now he would have at least fired off a short note to me so I'm a bit worried. I know he was having some issues. Family health problems. I just hope nothing bad has happened. I'll feel better when I finally hear from him. By the time group rolled around though, I was so tired. I wouldn't necessarily say that I wanted to sleep, but I was definitely tired. But as the group got going and I started to participate I felt more awake and alert. I even got to lead the group for awhile, which was fun! It's practice for when I become a Peer Support Specialist and if I lead a group like this. I also think our Peer Support Specialist not only likes to give me the practice, but likes to see me use what I already know since I'm so familiar with Recovery International, how it works, what the tools are... Anyway, by the time group was over I was energized! So here I am, it's after 10:00pm and I am wide awake! LOL! I just took  my medication though, so with luck I'll get sleepy and actually sleep tonight! Fingers crossed.

So really, the only clouds that came were clouds my daughter brought with her. Other than that, it was a pretty nice day! With luck the weather pattern will hold!

Oh The Sun Shines Bright!

I have had a very good weekend! Friday was one of the best days I have had in a very long time! Jordan came up to see me! It was so good to see my son! I have missed him so much! Even before he arrived I was having a great day! It being the 1st, I had money. Of course, I have spent way too much, but it had been worth it in my opinion! I ordered several things off of Amazon. Most of them were DVDs. But I did order my tarot deck and book that I used to have. Of course, Jordan arrived way earlier than I thought he would!! In fact, he got there before Community meeting at 8:00am! He was able to join us for the walk though because none of the counselors came with us. He got to meet his "cousin" too! And like I predicted, they hit it off! Of course, after that, I tried to get Jordan signed in as a visit early. No go... He had to go hang out at 7 Eleven while I did my chore. Jerry, his cousin, left to go keep him company. After I was done, I took off to meet them. I left something important behind! Originally we were going to go to The Beach Break Café for lunch, but because Jordan was hungry and we had to be back by 11:00am for group, we tried to get in there early. Unfortunately, they were packed. There was no way we would be able to get seated in time, let alone eat! Instead, Jerry suggested Angelo's burger. Immediately I agreed! They have the best onion rings! So we walk there, though I am not big on walking. Then when we get there, I realized that I didn't have my purse! Which meant, of course, I didn't have my debt card to pay for the meal! Thank God for Jerry. He covered for me. Told me not to worry about it. He saved the day. I got a cheese burger with onion rings and a drink. Jordan got this huge double cheeseburger, I think. Jerry got carne asada fries. I ended up taking half of mine home, of course. That's how it is with me! LOL! I was surprised I ate as much as I did. We barely made it back in time for group. Jordan had to wait at 7 Eleven again. But at noon I told him he could finally come to the door and get checked in. The idea was that Jerry, Jordan and I were going to spend the day together. Jerry, however, ended up disappearing. I waited as long as I could and then Jordan and I took off. We had to. Jordan had to get back to San Diego at a decent hour so he wasn't late getting into where he's living at the moment.

We left and the first thing I did was go to MetroPCS to pay my cell phone bill. I have to pay that. I live on that thing. I have my internet connection. My Aim, YouTube, Facebook... Plus I have Netflix and I sleep to "America Unearthed" every night. After I paid my bill we went next door to 31 Flavors and got ice cream. It was a special treat for both of us. After that, the idea was to get my bus pass renewed, then head to Walmart. Well, when we got to the transit center, we have about five minutes to make the bus to Walmart or the trip was going to be a complete no go, so instead of filling my bus pass, we hoped the bus to Walmart. It was fun at Walmart. Of course, I got stuff I wanted. I also bought Jordan a few things he needed, including new jeans and a new t-shirt. I had to get myself some personal clothing items! LOL! Then I kept forgetting things and we'd end up back and the other side of the store! It took us forever to get done, so the only thing we could do at the end of it was hop the bus back so he could make his bus back to San Diego. I really regretted forgetting my cart. It was a pain in the ass to carry everything back. In fact, once back, I had to smuggle in my stuff in two loads because we didn't have time for Jordan to sign back in and then out again. I had also pulled out the money he needed to take the online class for his Guard card and to get fingerprinted. I want to make sure he can get that done and get a job! But it was so good to see him! I hated to say goodbye. He was able to call me when he got back though, which was nice. That night I took my new medication and I ended up sleeping really well the first night. Unfortunately it wasn't so good the next night, nor last night. But the difference is that I am feeling more refreshed even though I am still waking up at night. I think it's putting me in a deeper sleep. Hey, whatever works!

Saturday was just a rest day really. I don't think anything exciting happened. Nothing I can remember anyway! Then yesterday was great! I have a new "Nephew!" He's Jerry's friend and he just entered the program here. I wanted to get a photo of the boys together, but he doesn't like to have his photo taken for certain reasons so I honored that.

Basically we went to Starbucks to use the WiFi. I wanted to go because I wanted to download Microsoft Word until I saw the price of it. Over $100! YIKES! So I remembered another friend of mine had suggested this program called OpenOffice. It's free and it works with Microsoft office. Basically, someone with Word can opened documents from this program. Now I did download it, but I haven't tried it yet. Fingers crossed that it works. I need it to so I can get back to my writing. It's just not the same writing by hand! It just doesn't flow. It can't possibly keep up with my thought processes where typing does since I am a relatively fast typist. I'm not as fast as I used to be, but I'm still a lot faster than handwriting! LOL! I'll probably try it out tomorrow. I also brought myself a Cream Chai Frappuccino and Jerry a caramel one. Manny bought his own though I offered. He has a thing about people buying stuff for him. That was okay. I got to buy him lunch! ;-) After we were done there we hit this pizza place nearby and to be honest, it was horrible. They charged an arm and a leg and it was like eating the cheapest pizza you can imagine. I'm sorry, but if I'm paying $20 for a pizza, I expect it to be better than Little Cesar's. Ugh! I will NEVER go back there again.

After that we went to Walmart! My favorite place! LOL! DANGER! DANGER! Yes, I spent way too much money! I got a few more food items, but mostly DVDs and three shirts. But one was a replacement of another that somehow got bleach on the back of. I think someone must have accidently splashed me with some. It was fun, but  I left a lot poorer. LOL! We managed to catch the bus right on time and made it back in time for dinner. Of course, I was still full! I couldn't take more than four bites. I felt so bad. I hate wasting food, but I didn't have a choice. I wasn't going to make myself sick. Plus, I don't want to stretch out my stomach. So I through almost all of it away.

That night though, I got to tell Manny all about the different stories I've written and told him of some of the ideas I have for other books; such as my ideas for assassin books. He was so captivated that he wanted me to give him permission to turn it into an anime! LOL! I was like, no... I want to write them into books! But I have to say it could be interesting! I also told him how it was suggested to me to pitch it as a video game. He was excited by that too. That was fun to be able to share my creativity with someone who was really into the stories I was sharing. What's funny though is that he was trying to talk me into getting into video games, but I told him I just wasn't into competition or getting timed. So what does he do? He finds me a cute game that my daughter used to play and I do kinda like called "Animal Crossing." He was telling me how to work it as I played. It was fun! But eventually I had to go to bed.

Today was equally good! I ended up having an appointment with my cardiologist. I left and missed the early bus that I wanted because it had come early, and I thought I wasn't going to be able to do what I wanted to do before my appointment, but as it turned out I still got to the hospital early. I had wanted to go to the gift shop because they sell my favorite chocolates in the world - See's Candy. It is the BEST chocolate. Nothing compares to it in my  opinion. But it's expensive. Still, I bought two boxes. One was truffles! But it was $30 just for that. Then I also brought a little cat stuffy decoration and then a cat vase I had fallen in love with the last time I was there. However, after my purchases I realized that I had gone to the wrong place. I was at the hospital and I needed his office! Thank God it was right across the street! LOL! I got there with time to spare. But he had three people slated for 3:30pm. It took forever to get taken back and then it was quite awhile before he showed up. But I did get to play with his little dog Diego, though and that was fun! He totally destroyed his toy though! We played tug-o-war for a little. It was a bitch to get a good photo of him. There were a lot of fails before I finally got one! Then finally I saw the doctor and he said everything looked fine from the halter monitor, but he had to see my blood work to know for sure. So that's the next thing I have to do. I have to schedule an appointment with my regular doctor to get blood taken and get tests run. I was kicking myself for not bringing my charger because my phone was dying. By the time I was back I was down to 8%. I really need to get a charger I can keep in my purse. Of course, I was playing the music I had bought off the Google PlayStore that morning - Depeche Mode, of course! I got just the songs I wanted and that worked for me! I have been playing them over and over again non-stop! But between that, writing with my friend over aim on our story and playing on Facebook I ran the battery down! LOL! Before I went home though, I had to stop at 7 Eleven and got myself a Horchata drink. For those that don't know it's like liquid rice pudding! Delicious! I did make it back in time to get some dinner though barely! We had Pizza Pasta which is one of the dishes I really like. So glad I got some!

What did aggravate me a little was that they didn't call group. So I missed half of the group tonight. When I pointed that out, I made sure I got full credit for attending even though I missed over half. It wasn't exactly my fault. No one told me and I was distracted. But after that, Jerry asked if I wanted to go get a soda with him and I agreed. From there he wanted to play this lottery game called the Derby Dash or Daily Derby or something. I picked ONE horse! LOL! We'll see how it goes. He said he'd split his winnings 50/50! LOL! We'll see if he wins!

Anyway, the night is coming to an end so it's time to let the sun set on the day and let the night take over. No storm clouds on the horizon so all is good!

Clear Skies

And life continues day by day. My days are pretty even, at least the last two. No major irritations. No problems. I've been in a good mood for the most part, even if tired. It's nice to feel this way! I don't know how long it will stay, but I am certainly going to enjoy the sun while it's out! My days Monday through Friday are pretty much the same:

7:30am - 7:50pm: Wake Up Make Bed

8:00am : Community Meeting

8:15am - 8:30am: Walk

8:45am - Breakfast

9:10am: Chore

10:00am : Medication

11:00am: Group (varies every day)

Noon: Lunch

1:00am - 6:00pm : Free Time

5:00 : Medication

6:00pm : Dinner

7:00pm : Group (varies every day)

8:00 : NOTHING!

10:00pm : Medication

Shortly there after sleep - usually and hopefully

Yesterday I saw the Ahole Pdoc, but surprise, surprise, he didn't try treating me like an idiot this time! He took time and treated me like an adult. It's about freaking time! LOL! So the session went well. He's taking me off the medication that was causing me to gain weight, which was NOT acceptable and I would have had to stop taking it with or without his consent. He's trying me on gabapentin. With luck, that'll help me sleep tonight, since I start it this evening. It's actually an anti seizure medication. But they also use it to treat peripheral neuropathy pain and even pain from shingles. But it also works for sleep, so we'll see! May I fall into a peaceful slumber tonight! But it was nice for him not to be a jerk. I did get a chance to explain what happened the one day I walked out. I thought he should know, just because. I like people to understand why I am the way I am. I explained I had been triggered over and over for a week and a half by the time I saw him and I was just about ready to lose it. It's as simple as that. I think he understood. Of course, not that I'm keeping him as my Pdoc. I just won't. One good session doesn't mean he and I are a good fit as far as doctor and patient. But I am glad it went well.

Last night I cooked dinner for the house. One of the people who were supposed to cook wasn't feeling well, so staff came and asked me. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I was so tired! Of course, today I've been tired too. But yesterday was bad. However, I thought, what the heck! SO I got out there. Turned out to be something easy. The girl that helped me, besides looking confused a lot of the time, took direction really well! It was good working for her. And it's so nice not to be afraid to cook for the house anymore. I used to be terrified. Now it's like, okay, what am I making? I mean, it's a set menu, of course, so there is no trying to guess and the items are relatively easy. Last night was Buffalo chicken wings - of course, it turned out to be southwestern chicken wings because that was the sauce they had. LOL! I had never friend chicken before so that was different, but it came out relatively well. Maybe one day I'll try frying actually chicken pieces. I didn't have to cook these ones entirely the way through because I had to bake them too. We served it with veggies that I put butter and garlic in, buttered rice (which had been left over from the dinner the night before and I figured why not use it) and then salad. We have salad every meal - or we're supposed to. Sometimes some people don't manage to get to it for some reason. I don't know how they can't though. You have two whole hours to cook! Anyway, it turned out good! I was so happy! Nothing is better than cooking a meal that people enjoy! I felt quite accomplished.

I'm not sure how I'm going to sleep tonight though. Tomorrow my son is coming to visit and I am so excited! I have missed him so much! I'm taking him out to lunch at the café a block away called The Beach Break Café. They serve the best burgers and their fries are always perfect! It's going to be good, but mostly to see him! He's going to show me his tarot deck, which I can't wait to see. The kids and I have always been into the occult and I have always been good at reading the tarot. I haven't done it in awhile, but also, I don't believe the future is fixed. Just because I read the cards and tell you what I see, it doesn't mean it's actually going to happen. As soon as I tell you, you might take actions to change it and, thus, cause a different future. The future is simply fluid. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I know it would be considered witchcraft, but I have a gift and there is no way in the world I believe it's dark magic. I just don't. Period. But the most important thing is I get to see him! And I get to introduce him to my nephew Jerry! Jordan already thinks of him as a cousin and they haven't even met! I just hope I sleep tonight with all the excitement I feel! I always get excited for the 1st anyway, because it's when I get money, but having Jordan come up is just the icing on the cake!

Anyway, tonight's group was House Beautification, which is my least liked group. Of course, I don't think anyone here likes having a group solely for doing chores! LOL! But mine was relatively easy. I got the living room bathroom. Had not just do the regular cleaning, but to really clean around the toilet, wipe down the walls, door knob, handles... I had to check the couch cushions for trash. There wasn't anyway that I could tell. I was done in less than 30 minutes. Then I wrote an email to my Aussie! He wrote me yesterday. He wrote me a short little note and then added onto a story we're writing together. I can't wait to think of what to add to it! ;-) But I always smile when I see I have an email from him.

Okay, all in all, clear skies... the sun it out... and for this moment in time, I'm happy!

  

Limbo Rock - Chubby Checker

I loved this song when I was listening to this old 50's/60's station - KBest95

Storm Clouds

Well, things have been relatively okay without too much upheaval and upset. There have only been a couple of irritations. Over the weekend, my daughter was due to come up here on Saturday; not so much to see me, but to come get the rings she's ordered off of Amazon.com and a note stating that I was giving permission for her fiancé to get her medical help. I really didn't want to see her. It was giving me a lot of anxiety actually. I think, in my head, I knew she was bringing her fiancé with her. I mean, no one wants to make a three hour journey alone if they don't have to, right?

Anyway, by 4:30pm, I figure she wasn't coming. I mean, it being Saturday. The buses run different and not as late. It was raining on top of it. But she called me when she got here. I heard in the background how her fiancé had just lost his wallet on the bus, so I knew he was there. As it turned out, she just wanted to grab the stuff and run because of all the fore-mentioned items. So she asked me if I would come to the door and give her the stuff because she didn't want to have to come in, sign in, get the visit pass and yada, yada, yada.... Well, I'm not allowed to open the front door. Only staff and it's for our protection basically, like from people that we don't want to have contact with who can set up back in our mental health recovery. So I told her the only thing I could do was to give it to staff and they could take it to her. So that's what happened. I didn't have to see her. I certainly didn't have to see him, which I wasn't anyway. I didn't sign a release for him to come in. But after they left, I just didn't know how to feel about it. I mean, she's my daughter. She came all the way up here, shouldn't we have at least seen each other? It was just odd. But things went on. The next day around the time she showed up the day before, or just before, I suddenly got really emotional. Things that would never normally bother me was causing me to feel like crying and I HATE to feel like I'm going to cry. My automatic response to crying is to try to stop it, even if it gives me a massive headache. I can't stand feeling vulnerable or out of control, though inside I still feel out of control like a storm. Though I suppose it was a low level one. It was really uncomfortable, but in my usual form, I just dealt with it. It's what I do. I did talk to someone on staff briefly. But I think it still left me sensitive because I still feel irritable a little bit. Well, actually, it seems like it's only happening in the evening.

Yesterday it was my turn to cook for the house. I'm actually not afraid to cook for the house anymore which is really cool because it used to scare me to death! I mean, who wants to screw up dinner for 10-14 people? My partner I knew wasn't going to be a lot of help actually cooking so I asked him to make the salad and set the table. There were still a couple of things he forgot to put out, but no biggie. I made Bacon Mac and Cheese from SCRATCH! I felt so accomplished afterwards when everyone liked it! The recipe didn't call for it, but I sautéed onions and put them in there along with garlic powder. I didn't put enough garlic in though because I couldn't taste it. But it really came out good and I know what to do next time to make it better, if and when I get assigned to that particular meal again. But the thing that irritated me is that EVERYONE is supposed to sit their ass at the table to eat. That means you DO NOT go into the kitchen and fix yourself a plate before everyone else! This girl has been here long enough to know this, so when I saw her just fix a bowl I was really irritated. Knowing I might not handle it well, considering my level of irritation (which is not like me to have) I went to staff to talk with her. I don't know how much good it did, but whatever. Dinner came out good. That's the important thing. The challenging thing during that was I got two calls from my daughter. One she was telling me how she had nothing to eat and her and her fiancé have no money until Saturday when they can cash his check from work and did I think her Aunt Diana would help her? I told her I would see what I could do, but there was no way I was calling my sister. The only person I did call was my best friend, but I made it clear I was only asking because I felt obligated. She also reminded me that she's had a place to stay and have food and instead she wanted to leave to be with her love. Well, look where that got you, sweetheart! I did ask staff and was giving a couple of suggestions. When she called backed I gave her the information. That no one was willing to help her. She had burnt too many bridges. So then she tries her manipulation tact that she's used before. "Well, while other people have a bed to sleep in and food to eat -" I cut her off. I didn't want to hear it and I literally put my foot down with her. I told her that, like my best friend had said, that she had been somewhere where she'd had a roof over her head. That she'd had food to leave and she CHOSE to leave! She got angry with me and asked if that's all I could stay to her right then. I thought about it and said yes. I was going to say something else, but she hung up on me. It was probably a good thing. I was upset, but the accomplishment of dinner definitely helped me get over it. On top of that, she made her bed, she has to lie in it. No one wants to help her because of how she's acted and treated them and me. It's as simple as that. So good luck to her in that department.

Then today... My day was actually going very well. I got up, went to community meeting, went for the walk around the block, came back, checked Facebook, did my chore, went to the first group of the day, had lunch.... Then 3:00pm I had my first full session with my trauma therapist. I thought it went well. I didn't think I was getting too emotional or anything. I mean, I felt something, but nothing I felt I couldn't handle. I did get a headache about halfway through. Should have realized that was a red flag. After the session as soon as we parted ways - it hit me. I suddenly felt drained. I felt emotional. I felt like I wanted to cry and I HATE to cry! When I went to take my 5:00pm pill I talked with the staff - which happened to be my care coordinator - about how I was feeling. Having gone through trauma therapy as well, she told me that in the beginning this is very normal and to do a lot of self care - drink water, have a healthy snack, rest, using coping skills, of course... At least I know it's normal. I did also tell her, so there are no miscommunications like I believe I had with my previous care coordinator, that I do not reach out easily for emotional support. I just don't. I have been there only one there for me my whole life. When I have needed to get help I had to do it for myself. If I was suicidal, I had to go get myself help. Of course, as far as my friends go, I only have one friend that can read my voice and knows if something off. Because everyone else doesn't notice a thing. Not that they're unobservant. I'm just that controlled. People don't get to see the emotions under the surface. The only one they might see is depression because I have never been able to really hide that. But anger, fear, irritation.... I had a bipolar episode that lasted for 6 months and no one noticed. I dealt with it that well or rather, I controlled the outside of myself that well. Of course, I had no idea I was in a bipolar episode at the time, or that what I was going through was psychiatric, but still, the point is, no one was able to tell.  So I told her that if I ever say I need to talk, it's because I REALLY need to talk. It takes a lot to get me to come to someone. I have to be practically in crisis.

Anyway, the irritation of the evening... My "nephew" Jerry was cooking dinner. My neighbor was supposed to help him. Her job was simple really. Set the table... You have two hours to get things done and get the table set. It's from 4:00pm to 6:00pm when dinner is supposed to start. It was literally a couple of minutes to 6:00pm and the table was barely set. Needless to say, I got irritated. It's not a big job. It doesn't take long and it's not rocket science. And she was on the phone almost constantly. You know, I cooked dinner one night and set the table all by myself. I was on the phone texting the whole time and I still got everything done and before the deadline. There is no reason she couldn't have done it. So it really irritated me. I decided I was just going to set the table since she obviously wasn't going to, so I went into the kitchen and started grabbing glasses and mugs. Suddenly she's there going, "I'll do that." And I wasn't trying to be rude or hurt her feelings, but I did say to her that it was 6:00pm and that it really should have already been done. I do think she took offense. I know she's sensitive and who likes to be corrected, right? But this is something you have to know! And I wasn't trying to be rude about it. Anyway, she hasn't said anything to me. She's not likely too, but I'm pretty sure I upset her. I hate that I did though. But I was definitely irritated. I think I would have been less irritated had I not felt so drained and emotional after having that session.

On the nice side, I went to group tonight. It's called Recovery International and we learn ways to cope with angry or fearful temper. No one wanted to use and example and I usually don't have anything to use and I certainly wasn't going to use anything that happened in the house. I just won't. So I used the call with my daughter. I wasn't sure I should, but it worked out and it felt good to talk about it. I got told how well I had handled it, because Ed, the group leader, had come in on the tail end of the call, so he got to see it for himself. But it was nice to get validated.

Anyway, the majority of the winds and rains have stopped inside. The sky isn't clear. The clouds are still there making up their mind to stay or leave, but at least the storm has calmed. Now I'm waiting for my Aussie to write, if he can and if he does that will make my night - or my morning! So right now, I just wait and see if the sun comes out tomorrow.

Hazy Skies

Life hasn't been bad these last few days. I was able to accomplish a few things and without any major upheavals in my life. The most that happened were mild irritations, but don't we all have them every day? It's just life.

I had a 24 hour heart monitor put on me the day before yesterday to monitor my heart during a normal day. I am just worried because my heart rate will drop into the 40's when I'm resting. That's pretty low, especially if you consider the fact that my resting rate used to be in the 60's. The thing is, almost every test I have ever taken for just about anything comes back normal. I mean, like 97% or higher of normal. Don't get me wrong! That's a good thing, but it's frustrating when things can't be explained, like the heart rate. I also get light headed and dizzy, my balance gets way off and I sometimes have heart palpitations that are not related to anxiety. I just like answers. It's how I am. I want to know why!

Anyway, I thought the thing was going to be big and bulky, but it wasn't. In fact, most of the time I forgot it was there, except for when I went to bed. It didn't bother me too much, but the tossing and turning made me feel it. I toss and turn a lot at night. I sleep like crap. I'm also prone to nightmares and troubling dreams. I like when I don't remember them. And according to research, so I was told by a very intelligent counselor, that if you don't remember your dreams it's because you completed your sleep cycle and should be well rested. If you wake up, know you dreamed, but can't remember your dreams then you woke up at the tail end of your dream cycle and still should be rather rested. But if you wake up and remember your dream it means that you woke up during your sleep cycle in REM and you'll probably be fatigued all day. I usually remember snippets of dreams and even if I don't I still seem tired. But I don't remember the last time I woke up and didn't remember anything. Even last night I had an anxiety dream. At least it's not what I consider a nightmare.

Yesterday I went to get the heart monitor taken off. I was supposed to be there by 3:00 pm, but I got so distracted doing about three things at once - writing with my friend in the Netherlands, chatting with another friend and going through some things on Facebook that I lost track of the time! I ended up leaving 30 minutes to and I had to take public transit. It's about a 45 minute trip. Needless to say I had to call and let them know I was going to be late. They told me it was fine, thank goodness, as long as I got there by 4:30 pm. I got there at 3:30 pm. I was glad to get that off. I will find out in a week and a half what the results are. I would have found out on Monday, but I couldn't make the appointment at the time they had. No way. So I it has to be the following Monday.

The only real frustrations I had were last night I wanted into the computer lab and the counselor was like "It's 15 minutes before I have to leave." Okay, that's still 15 minutes, but she was also trying to push me to take my night meds early. I'm sorry, but unless I am so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open I like to be the last one to take it, because after I take it, I go to sleep - at least briefly. But I could have started this and finished it up on my phone. Though I don't like to write emails on blogs on my phone if I can help it. It's just slower since I type pretty fast. And she had been trying to get me to take my meds for an hour before then. She asked me twice and I told her that I don't take my meds until late. Anyway, I waited until I didn't have choice but to go take it and I told her once again that I do not like to take my medication early. I never do. She told me that it was good to know, but I thought I had made that clear earlier? But she's a nice girl. I just hope she remembers for next time. We'll see. But the best part of yesterday was getting an email from my Aussie!

I wish I had something interesting to write or something creative to share, but I don't. I have written some dark poems over my time here, but haven't shared any of them. Perhaps I will. It's a dark glimpse into my soul and it's definitely not a pleasant place to be sometimes. It'll be the worst part of the storm that you can see without being in my head.

But today was just a day like any other. But I do have goals that I am going to try to pursue starting on May 1, 2015. I am going to look into Tai Chi classes. There is a particular place that I want to check out. Not only do they teach it for the peace and meditation of it, but they also teach the self defense moves of it too. That definitely intrigues me. It will also help  me with my balance and help me to meditate and calm my mind. In other words, quiet the storm. I also am going to see if the nearby firing range allows you to rent weapons for the range and gives safety classes. I want the experience of firing a weapon. If nothing else, it will make it easier for my writing. Experience can be everything. It's always better to write from experience. And who knows! Maybe in five years I'll invest in a weapon - depending on where I'm living and with whom, if anyone. I might even look into archery, but that's lower on my list. Also on the 1st I plan to fill out the volunteer form for the local Humane Society. I want to work with the cats, of course, and from what I heard they need cat people. Me me!! Chose me!! The last things on my list are to find a support group for PTSD, though because mine is Complex PTSD I wonder how much I'll fit in, but I won't know until I try. Then I want to find some creative art classes that I can take. I have an idea where to look, it's just a matter of scheduling. I also have to be careful not to burn myself out. But I really want to do these things and I have put off things I have wanted to do for far too long. In fact, I am considering also getting a tattoo FINALLY! I have put it off forever for one reason or another - usually money. But this coming month I can probably swing it. Just another thing for the list. LOL! I could put it off until the following month, but I don't know if I want to. I don't want to keep putting it off anymore.

Well, tomorrow will be another day. However, it might just be like all the others. On Saturday we'll have to see if the storm clouds come out. My daughter is coming to visit. Last time was all right, but this time she mentioned her fiancé. I do not want to see him. I didn't say no directly like I probably should have done, but I told her that what I needed to write out for him to use she could give to him. I do not want to see him. I do not want the phony apologies or the manipulation. Dealing with my daughter is enough. I love her, but I have come to the end. But that is the future and this is the now. I can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. Well, at least not until tomorrow! All I can do tonight is sit back, relax, write an email to my Aussie and see how he is before the weekend - since it's his Friday today. Maybe I'll do some writing. There's something special I want to write to share with my Aussie, so I'll think about it and maybe I'll act on it.

That's it and life goes on...

The Calm

Today was mostly clear skies. No dark clouds on the horizon which is a good thing. It wasn't too exciting though, but that's all right. It's like this Chinese saying I heard years ago and have heard it's actually a curse goes - May You Live In Interesting Times. Interesting isn't always a good thing, but maybe for the most part it is. However, today was not either way.

I even had less to do today than on a normal Monday through Friday week. We have group here at 11:00am. Well, today is WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) group. Once you do all the lessons you don't have to attend them. I'm not completely finished, but today was lesson 4 and I am clear up until lesson 7. That's the last one I need and then I have completed the course. It's too bad I couldn't have finished this a couple of weeks ago. I could have signed up for the Peer Support Training classes. They are only held once a year in this area, so I'm pretty sad about that. It means that my goal of becoming a Peer Support Specialist is on hold for awhile. But it is what it is, so it's not worth getting upset over. Anyway, it left me with an extra hour to myself. Of course, there isn't much to do here so I spent the time in my room on my phone and on the internet. I was listening to Depeche Mode - a given - and checking on different things. I was waiting for my friend from the Netherlands to come online so we could write together. However, her mother's birthday was today so she was a bit late. But it's great fun writing with her and right now our current story is pretty interesting. I based parts of it from a nightmare I had the night before Easter. It's nice when I can pull negative things and use them positively or creatively. I usually take them and find a way to put them in my writing somewhere. Maybe not the exact event, but elements of it. After all, once you experience something it's easier to write about. You can describe it because you know how it felt with all senses. Just like being attacked by two people. I didn't know what that was like until January. But now I have and instead of letting it destroy me, I use that in my writing because now I know what it's like to get hit in the face, or rather, on the side of the face and eye.

Outside of that, I got on Facebook messenger for the first time in what feels like months. I think it has been at least two months. However, I felt it was time and slowly I hope to work back into running my group on there again. I like to help people and not doing that has taken something away from my life, I think.

I did get an email from my Aussie. He's such a great friend and every time I hear from him, he makes me smile. There's something about having a friend you can tell anything to that means so much. I can share with him things in my head that I can't seem to share with anyone else. I feel comfortable so comfortable and trust him so much that I share the thoughts in the dark recesses of my mind that I let no one into. When the storms are raging inside I can turn to him and tell him everything and he doesn't turn me away. He doesn't judge me. He just loves and supports me the best he can from where he is. I can't even begin to explain how much that means to me. It's a rare and precious gift. And every time I get an email from him, I smile and it brightens my whole day, even if it's an email about life and nothing else. So that was a special treat this evening and has made my night.

Now, it's after dinner. We have two people leaving here where I live. They have "graduated" the program, so to say, so we had a goodbye group. It's called a marble ceremony. Essentially, the person picks out a marble (or shell, or rock) and it gets passed from person to person and they say something special to the person leaving and their hopes and wishes for their future. These ceremonies are really a wonderful thing. I went through one at the Crisis House I was in back in January and I won't forget a couple of the comments because they really meant a great deal to me. I still have that marble too. I keep it somewhere it can't get lost. Usually it's only one person leaving, but tonight there were actually two. It's not something that happens here very often either, so it was interesting and nice. I didn't know either of them very well though, but they are both talented and I hope the best for them in the future.

So now, here I am posting on my blog and listening to Depeche Mode. Perhaps it's not exactly quiet because of the music drifting in my ears, but my mind is calm which is a great thing. I may not know what tomorrow will bring, but I know for now, things are good. This moment is all there is and I'm all right.