Saturday, July 11, 2015

Thunder, Lightening, Rain and Darkness

Life has not treated me well these last few weeks. There are been issues that have caused me to experience serious PTSD symptoms, including being angry, suicidal and just outright depressed. Depressed it where I am right now. It's like being in a story sea in total darkness... no moon.. not even starts; just inky darkness... It's not a good place to be, but it's where I am. I would like to see the clouds break... even if just to see moon and stars, but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen anytime soon and it, for lack of a better term at the moment, SUCKS!

It started with my room neighbor here where I live. I realize that she was in symptoms. She has hallucinations and paranoid delusions. Anyway, I wasn't her only target, but it was enough to set me off. Now it had just been her accusing me of things, I probably could have handled that. I mean, I am pretty understanding when it comes to people's mental illness. What kind of person, and hopeful Peer Support Specialist, would I be if I didn't? But the problem was she was angry and started slamming doors. Now, I never thought this would causing the reaction it did. I have always had a strong startle reflects to loud noises - especially slamming doors. But I recover fairly quickly. However, this was different. It tossed me back to a night I thought I had long ago gotten over. Apparently not. It took me back to a night I honestly thought I was going to die. A night I thought my brother was honest to god was going to kill me... murder me... Going back to the memory I thought I was over was awful. All the fear.. the panic... it all came back. It was so bad, I was shaking. Then she accused me to trying to break her and her boyfriend up. She accused Jerry of beating up her boyfriend... though he had a long time ago. But there were reasons behind that. But anyway, that had been in the past. She was pretty much going off on staff too. But I went to staff and told them about what happened. That someone should check on her. Well, she was in the shower, but after that she slammed the doors again. I went to tell staff again, after they talked with her. When she slammed the door again and called me a bitch through the wall, I went to go talk to staff again, and she said, "What kind of lies is she saying about me now?" I mean, she also made a derogatory comment about my PTSD. I mean, it wasn't pretty, and I was overwhelmingly afraid of the emotional abuse. I didn't feel emotionally safe! She had even asked to move rooms and I wanted her to move rooms. They said for us to talk to the staff tomorrow morning. Well... I did... and I was basically told to deal with it. That I would encounter other people that would set me off. I was like, yeah, but I might not be living with them. And chances were, they wouldn't be in the room right next to mine. I also said that I didn't have this kind of problem with any of the other residents and she tried to say that the one resident that annoyed the crap out of me was the same thing. Uh, NO! And I literally had to explain the fact that he was a huge irritant, but that was it, and the fact that he wasn't in the room beside me made it easy to mostly stay away from him. And what it really came down to was that he didn't set off my PTSD. I literally had to spell that out to my care coordinator. Still, I was told to just deal with it. So I ended up angry. She was still actually up. She actually went to staff and accused Jerry and I of sexually abusing her or some crap! I mean, really?? Of course, staff knew it was just her illness, but I just couldn't believe that one. I didn't hear it, but Jerry did. So needless to say, I vented to my nephews and she, unfortunately heard me a few times. I also took to blasting music at night, until it was time to go to sleep. I went through YouTube and got some seriously pounding music that I liked. Picked out some good music by Linkin Park among others. Got some Three Days Grace and a couple of songs by Sum 41. Of course, I only knew two my Sum 41, and with Three Days Grace, their songs are hit and miss with me. However, with Linkin Park, I haven't found a single song I haven't liked! That says something. Depeche Mode is the other. I also like All American Rejects, or at least one of their full albums. Not sure about any of their newer stuff. However, I just wanted to blast her out of existence. So that was bad. I couldn't sleep, which wasn't unusual for me anyway, but this was worse. I didn't want to sleep and then when I woke up, I didn't want to, but I forced myself to, and I did NOT like myself angry. It's not who I am.

Onto the next triggers and this is what really put me over the edge. The Program Director called me into her office, so I knew something bad was up. I can always tell these things anyway, without clear signals like that. It's just how I am. Another care coordinator joined her, so I was already triggered - feeling ambushed. So she starts in on how there are things that I'm doing that aren't good for the program and basically threating to kick me out of here. Yeah, great. Another trigger. There were three things. One thing I didn't have a problem with, because it was the one thing I was actually doing, which was talking about a resident behind their back, so to say. Okay, I was doing that. But Jerry and Manny had both left the program in less that 24 hours of each other. Jerry was headed to another city, which he had to leave anyway, himself, and Manny left because he didn't want to be around the resident that I find seriously irritating anymore. So I was dealing with that. But I basically told her that the ones I talked to are gone so it was now a non-issue and it wouldn't be happening again. The second issue... Supposedly I wasn't doing worksheets during groups that I was supposed to be doing. Excuse me?? There was one time. Maybe two! I was furious. Then she said something about paperwork that my care coordinator gives me too... okay, my memory SUCKS! But I was trying things, so now, I have been triggered by two more things - feeling betrayed my by care coordinator AND being accused of something I was doing. That and the reverse are huge triggers for me. Lastly, I owe money here. I know it's substantial, but she was telling me that I had to find a way to pay more money, outside of rent, outside of the less than $200 I get for the month, which after my bills, is less than $100 for the entire month, to go for monthly purchases... and kind of hinted that if I didn't find a way, that a 30 day notice might be on offer. Another trigger - losing a place to live when I have nowhere else to go. And another - not having enough money to live on. Then, for good measure, tells me I am on probation for two weeks. Another trigger - feeling like I have to be perfect for two weeks... or any amount of time. HUGE trigger too. They wanted me to sign something. I was like, fine, and asked if we were done and left. I was suddenly so tired and so upset. I was triggered off so badly all I wanted to do was kill myself. Had I had access to a gun, I wouldn't be here, and going through these events kind of takes me back to it. I couldn't even really talk about it. I still can't really. I have told a fried or two, and my Aussie, but that's it. I literally went outside of the facility, not sure what to do. I wanted to leave... I had money to buy razor blades, which would have been my second choice to kill myself, but having been a cutter, I'm not really into pain and there was be a lot of pain to cut as deep as I would need to. I know these things, and without benzodiazepines to help it would be hard. At least with benzos I would be able to relax and with luck, just go to sleep and allow myself to bleed out. I seriously considered that. I just didn't want to live anymore. I wanted everything over and done with. I really wanted a gun, and actually turned ideas over in my head of how I might get one, and I knew none of them would pan out. I just didn't know the right people, and I didn't have the money, even if I did. But I wanted to blow my head off so bad. A gun to my temple and pull the trigger. Bullet through the brain pan and that would have been it for me.

One of the residents was coming back from the store and saw me. I never sit outside the house and I guess I looked bad. She asked me if I was okay. At first I said no, but then I told her I was okay. I guess she didn't believe me because after awhile someone on the staff came out to talk with me. I had actually called the access and crisis line because I wanted to kill myself so badly and I knew if I didn't talk to someone, I was probably going to get those razor blades as a final option. What's funny is I had found a half box of cigarettes and had smoked a couple. I am not a smoker, but I just needed to do something. So the staff member came out as I was talking to someone from the crisis line. I was more calm, but I still wanted to kill myself. That hadn't changed. I talked with staff and I made it clear what I wanted to do and a bit about why. But after I told her what had happened, I couldn't talk about it anymore. She left me outside for a bit longer because I didn't want to go back in, but a short time later, she actually opened the front door and asked me to come inside. So I did. Though I could hardly move. Apparently they wanted to do a risk assessment on me - which was done by, of course, the program director. I told her how I was feeling. That if I'd had access to a gun she wouldn't be talking with me. They said that they would take me to the ER. I wouldn't go because if I were admitted they would take my phone. They offered a Crisis House for me. It's like almost right across the street, but I just couldn't bring myself to go. It's funny to say, but I didn't want to leave my little cave/sanctuary of my room. Like if I left it, I'd be unsafe. It's hard to explain the mindset and I am still feeling that way. They have offered it a couple more times since.

And the final trigger - my daughter. Two nights after that, I wasn't able to make some calls for her that I needed to get done so that I could register her at school. So she made some nasty comments about how she knows that my regular life was so much more important than her... yeah... that caused me to feel suicidal all over again briefly and I wasn't entirely over it to begin with, though it had reverted more to just not wanting to live anymore.

Nothing serious has really gone on since. In fact, here's the funny thing. My room neighbor actually made a full apology that was 100% sincere. I can usually tell these things, so I accepted her apology. The next day, I apologized for being a bitch to her and now we're better friends than we were before. LOL! Go figure that one, right? So that was something that went right. Then, as I was smoking outside with Nick - another resident - and the one resident that annoys the crap out of me came outside and took a seat with us and for the first time, I actually was joking with him! That was different and nice. We were also scheduled to cook together too, and because I was finishing up a cigarette, he started before me, which was also nice, because I thought, for sure, I would be doing the majority of the cooking, and actually, he did! I mean, I made the salad and the veggies, while he made the bean quesadillas. I did cook some of them at the end. Anyway, it came out really good! And it was a nice experience. Since then, he hasn't irritated me quite so much, though that voice of his still drives me a bit nuts.

So it's not like everything is horrible, but there is just this god-awful depression. It's this sadness and hopelessness. And I am just so tired... I am tired of getting knocked down and having to drag myself up again. I don't want to get  up anymore, if that makes sense. It's like, things are never going to change. I am always going to be triggered and have no idea how to control them... they are crippling. Though most of the time I can bounce back within 48 hours, this is going on two weeks of stuff. Grant you, it's been thing after thing for a week before now, but still... the depression is killing me. My only real reprieve is smoking outside with Nick listening to music off YouTube and writing when I can manage to think straight. Than and writing with Patty B and reading old SB901 posts for my characters. I'm back to reading about this one character of mine name Katianna Nadira. She's one of my absolute favorite characters that I created. Great storyline. Of course, most of my characters had awesome storylines that never got completed. But then again, the idea behind a role-playing group - or the ones I participated in - were meant to just go on and on. I might be working on a story with a friend who was in two of the RPGs with me. In fact, with our same characters, though they were in two different timeframes. We started in Kirk's time on the Star Trek universe then we're just passed the Next Generation timeframe. His character traveled forward in time, where as mine - since her species live to be between 300-500 years of age - had just gone on with her life. She was thrilled to see him alive. But the story we're going to be working on takes place a year after the estimated time of where the storyline Katianna was involved in was completed. I started it and sent it to him. I hope he reads it and responds soon, though I took a bit to get the beginning to him. I guess we'll see what happens.

Anyway, I think it's about time for me to close this up, grab a quick snack and maybe grab a smoke. I am being tossed around in the waves in the total darkness still... Every night I don't want to wake up the next day... but hopefully that'll change... as it stands now though, it feels like it will just go on forever. I am pretty sure it won't, but there were times I had depressions that lasted for years. I just hope this isn't one of those times. Not sure I could deal with that... So all I can do is hope the skies will clear... that there will be no more thunder and lightening... but who really knows....