Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Storms and Lightening Strikes

Life has a funny sense of humor. As soon as you think things might actually be settling down. That you're finally making progress in the direction you want to go in your life. That things just seem to be falling into place, even if it's a bit slow. But progress is progress.

For a recap, I have sense moved from where I was living up in Oceanside. I am back in my old stomping grounds of East County San Diego. This is the area I grew up and lived in for almost my whole life. Plus, my situation up in Oceanside at the facility where I lived just wasn't helping me. The whole thing with that girl, Kristen, being a prime example. Of course, later when I decided to to look up how to treat Complex PTSD I discovered that what they had been doing - trying to challenge me to fight the fears that had triggered me - that what they were doing, by trying to treat it like standard PTSD, was they were retriggering the event over and over again by trying to force it. I didn't realize that's why I kept getting worse. Eventually, I shared the link with Ed and in so doing, he shared it with the staff and everyone learned something. The assistant director of the program, when they were finally pushing me out, really did a fantastic job to minimize my triggering of our meeting. He and Meghan both did great. My reaction was far less. and in the end, the move was the best thing, for the most part. Meghan found me a fantastic Independent Living Facility where I live now and for the most part have been very happy here. I have made friends. I have a space all my own (though that was a bit of a drama) and I get three meals a day - well, Saturday and Sunday it's two meals - brunch and dinner. And we get good food here too. So on the whole, I am very happy here!

Anyway, when I first got here, I was sharing a room with this woman who is 53. She is severely schizophrenic. I know other schizophrenics that I have no problems with. They are very high functioning and intelligent people. Her though... no... she wasn't playing with a full deck to begin with and then you throw something like that on top of it? Nope. And for some reason, she just didn't like me. She would be fine for a bit and then she would just turn. She was always saying I was saying stuff to her, or doing stuff to her that I wasn't. She got threatening at one point and I wouldn't go into the room until I was so exhausted that I could double up on my sleeping pills and then crash out. But even then, it just got to the point I couldn't handle it and I decided to start sleeping out in the gazebo until something changed. Well, Annie, the proprietor, didn't want me out in the gazebo, but knew I wasn't going back into that room, so as it turns out, she had a converted shed. I mean, it's still a shed, but there's a bed, couch, dressers, shelves... electricity, TV... I have everything I want! They even moved my fridge out here! But she was asking me if I was sure I wanted to move into this shed. I was like a resounding YES! And from the day I moved in here, I have loved it! It's my own personal space. I don't have to share it with anyone. And being here, I have made friends. There is this one guy, Louie, he and I hang out every day. He wants to go back to school and get his doctorate in mathematics. Since he hasn't been to school in like ten years, he has to start all over from the beginning with his college credits, but I have no doubt he'll be able to. He and I have good conversations. He also writes songs and he's an auditory learner. He's reading The Count of Monte Cristo and asked me if I'd like him to read it to me. So far, I have absolutely loved it and it's a real interesting treat to be read to. So I have one very good friend here.

Well, onto the first lightening strike. Psycho woman and I are inside eating lunch. We're each sitting at the two little tables eating and she starts telling me to stop whatever it is she thinks I'm doing. At first I ignore her, not having really heard her. Then she says it again. I say to her that I don't know what she's talking about. The next thing I know she's accusing me of having said something. That I was making her mad. Then she gets up and literally strikes me on the side of my head with her closed fist. By the look of this woman, you wouldn't think she could hit hard, but I can prove to the contrary. I had a knot on my head and I still have it. It's been a week and the bump is still there.

Anyway, I don't remember about 30 seconds to a minute after she hit me, but I didn't black out. I did, however, call the police, I was shaking, trying not to cry, smoking up a storm as I waited for the police. I was also trying to ice my head. Eventually, they came and took the report, but all they could do was have the psycho go to the hospital, which she did. So far, she has not come back, and I don't think Annie will have her back. She can't have someone violent here. I mean, come on! If it's not me, who will be next? On top of it, Annie knows that if she were to come back, I might move out and she wants me to stay. She likes me. I am very high functioning, of course, and I get along with everyone - except psycho woman. The police called an ambulance for me and they did a CT scan when I got to the hospital, of course. I was still stuck out in the waiting room for hours after that. I was so tired and light headed... slightly nauseous. I was worried I had a concussion, but I really didn't believe that was the case. Still, the wait was long and tough. The Norco they gave me for pain didn't really do much except make me more tired and once it wore off the pain was back worse, of course. And the pain went from my temple where she hit me, through my ear, to my jaw (still can't open it more than halfway without pain), down my neck and into my shoulder, Well, I didn't understand why I was having pain in all those places. By the time I was taken back there, it was literally long enough to have them take my vitals, talk with the doctor briefly, who assured me that there was no skull fracture and no bleeding in the brain. No concussion... I also got a sandwich to eat. I was so hungry. I guess another clue I didn't have a concussion. But all they prescribed was percocet. Yeah... I was taking that and I threw on 1200mg. ibuprofen at 8 hour intervals and all it did was take the edge off the pain. It didn't not make any serious dent... so I was in pain for days. I had friends telling me to get checked out again. I finally did this last Sunday. I went to an Urgent Care. Turns out that the reason I'm having pain everywhere that I am is because where the psycho woman hit me, there are a bundle of muscles there and connect to - yes, you guessed it! The jaw, neck, shoulder... Yeah... At first, he wasn't sure what to prescribe for me since they can't write for narcotics there. I told him I didn't care about that. I just wanted something that was going to help the pain. Then I remembered Louie mentioning tramadol before, so I asked the doctor about it. Turns out that he could write for that and thought it was a good choice. He also prescribed naprosyn and robaxin - Robaxin is a muscle relaxant. I should take a couple tonight, if I decide to sleep. I am feeling really good right now and am not tired, so we'll see!

Lightening Strike Two! My idiot friend Jason... He texts me about how miserable he is. That after his wife has her surgery he's going to leave. I was saying to him that it was a good thing and that after the surgery that's just what he should do - their marriage has been over for years. She doesn't want anything to do with him sexually and I'm not sure she even likes him that much anymore. The guy is abusive. He hits every warning sign of a domestic abuser. In fact, the guy is a codependent narcissist. So why am I friends with him? Well, I'm not anymore, but I'll get to that part with the next lightening strike. Back to this one!

So anyway, he tells me no, he means gone. Like nowhere. He's going to kill himself, essentially. So I spend the next 15 minutes or so trying to talk him out of this mood, not really putting things together yet. But essentially he was talking about this because he wants to get back at his wife basically, for not loving him and putting up with his abusive behavior. That he wants her to love him - or really, to just have sex with him. He also is very controlling and it's killing him that he has less and less control over her. He keeps trying and there is the problem. He's unhappy. I tell him he needs to move on. He could have a bright future, though to be honest, unless he were willing to go into intensive therapy to work on his issues, he's never going to have a happy life because he's an abuser. He will never find anyone who will stay with him for any length of time if they have a brain and aren't easily manipulated. But what really got me was as I was explaining to him that he needed to learn to live on his own, by himself and not rely on other people to make his happy, he tried telling me I was doing the same thing. That I wasn't living on my own... Okay, that just pissed me off. I immediately shot back at him that the only reason I was living where I'm at is because I can't afford to live on my own and did he really think I would have a problem living o n my own?? I would be perfectly happy to. I don't NEED anyone. I asked him if he really thought I relied on anyone here to make me happy?? Well, I think he got the point because the last thing he texted was that he wished he didn't exist. Okay, whatever. I thought about it later and figured out what he was trying to accomplish. He was hoping I was be, "Oh, poor Jason! I love you and we can move out together!" He is terrified to live on his own. He has never done it. But that's not my problem. I don't love him. I thought I loved him as a friend, but no longer - and this isn't the reason. This was an annoyance, but not the reason he is now out of my life for good.

Lightening strike three! Same day... Jason kept texting me that Susan wanted to ask me something. This was after I had asked her to take me to urgent care the following day since she couldn't do it Saturday. So finally I texted her asking what the question was. She said it wasn't her question, it was his. I was still mystified and asked what it was about. She told me he has asked her for a 'Hall Pass' to screw around basically. Now, for some reason, this didn't compute with me... that this was in reference to me!! So I guess I just laughed it off and I might have said, something on the lines of REALLY??

So he calls me a little while later and asks me if Susan talked with me. Now by this time, I have totally forgotten this text conversation, so I was like what are you talking about? Talk to me about what? So then he mentions the 'Hall Pass.'. I was like, no and the answer is no. He preceeds to tell me that Susan told him that I was thinking about it. I flat out told him no. That I told him I wasn't going there with him again. So he says something like, okay, I have to go. Then he turns around and texts me, to the effect that he has a problem and I could help him with it, but I won't and that hurts. I told him I wasn't going down that road with him again. In other words, too bad. So then he gets mad and tells me, good luck getting to the clinic tomorrow. Okay, he doesn't drive. He is scared of driving. He freaks out when Susan, his wife, is driving. The guy can't handle crap. Anyway, I told him that it wasn't up to him and that if he was going to get abusive I was going to block him. He said, see if I care. Well the last text I sent him before I did block him was that he didn't respect my boundary. The whole reason I even forgave him and let him back into my life was that he respect my boundaries. One of which was sex was never happening and to not push it with me, that I would block him again. Anyway, the last text I get from him before he is completely blocked is that he respects my boundaries...? Okay... want to explain this one to me?? Anyway, the long and short of it is, he was only wanting to be friends with me again to have sex. It had nothing to do with our being friends since 1995 (i am very patient and accepting or we would not have remained friends as long as we have an I wouldn't have given him the many chances I have over the years). Basically, he wants to just use me for sex. At first all I could think about was how I should have listened to everyone and not unblocked him and just kept him out of my life. But I was thinking about it today and realized that because of this, I now know exactly what he wants, how he thinks of me, and so I know where I stand. Grant you, at first I was angry, hurt, I felt betrayed, kind of used and manipulated... I was pissed! But Susan, when at first he tried telling her she couldn't do anything for me, told him bullshit and threw his crap back at him. Good! And obviously she took me to the clinic! Since then though, he keeps begging her to talk with me and get me to forgive him and unblock him. She told him it wasn't going to happen. He is still trying though, but oh well. He done screwed up for the last time with me. No not pass go. Do no collect $200.

Anyway, the few bright spots this week, were, of course, Louie. Also my friend Ed. He and I have continued our friendship and I am so glad of that. We both really like each other and plan to continue to develop our relationship. Also my Aussie, Ron, has been an incredible bright spot too. Everyone has been worried about me and he literally emailed me just about every day, including Saturday and he normally doesn't email me on the weekends because of being home with his family. But he was that worried and it meant so much to me that he did that. And then my new friend Mike... I met him at the library a couple of weeks ago. When Susan couldn't pick up my prescriptions from the pharmacy I was dying. The pain was horrible. I had taken the last of my percocet and so, I was screwed. Having no other choice, I called Mike, and he saved the day. He came, picked me up and took me to get my medication. I couldn't thank him enough. He's also taking me to Heartland in the morning. He might not be able to take me back here, but that's okay. I can walk one way. I just can't do both... So between all these actually great guys in my life, I have awesome friends and support. Also Susan and I are reconnecting again. We were texting today a bit and I was telling her that we should hang out again. One, it'll be fun to piss Jason off and two, I really needed to hang out with friends in real life. She agreed so hopefully sometime soon we'll get together.

Well, today the storm clouds have vanished leaving a pretty clear sky. I am not going to allow any more toxic people in my life. I am going to do my best to get rid of the last one or two there are. I am still planning on pursuing the training to be a Peer Support Specialist. I am going to continue to work on my writing and plan for a future... Despite being hit by lightening so many times, I am good. I am happy today and I will take that for what it's worth. I may not be happy tomorrow, but I am happy right now and that's good.