Sunday, May 31, 2015

Bright Sun and Clear Skies

It's been a few days and things have been good! Of course, I was up for 42 hours straight, but all in all, I have weathered that without too many repercussions. Literally I woke up May 28th at 8:00am and didn't fall asleep until 2:00am on May 30th! It's been fun! LOL! Well, not really, but it hasn't been bad! Though I had to admit to feeling a bit more emotional and I HATE to feel like I am going to cry. I'm sure I've mentioned this several times by now. It makes me feel too vulnerable and like I am about to lose my mind. So for me, it's just not acceptable. The really sad thing is that I could have stayed up later, even. It took me shutting off my lamp and putting my phone down to finally relax and go to sleep. If my mind is still active I just don't sleep. It's just how it is. I also didn't like the fact that I started to feel moody and then I even started getting depressed even though I had absolutely nothing to be depressed about! I mean, I have been talking with my daughter just about every day! She even told me she was sorry that she ever let her fiancé get between us! I mean, that was mind-blowing and made me feel so happy! It has made me feel like I have my daughter back! I never honestly thought I would get her back in any way, shape or form. So to me this is a miracle! Still, I was getting depressed. I don't know why. I can only assume it was the lack of sleep taking its toll. The funny thing is how I was functioning on so little sleep before and doing so well! Go figure. I was also glad that I didn't have to bring my movies out for Socialization group last night. I mean, not that I would have minded, but I wasn't even in the mood to watch a movie, but they put on "The 6th Day" with Arnold the Terminator! LOL! I actually like that movie and hadn't seen it in a long time, so I actually sat through the whole movie when I could have left an hour into it. It also meant I didn't have to sit through the credits before removing my DVD. It was good that I finally slept though, however, I wish I would have slept longer.

I woke up at 8:10am and didn't remember what day it was so I am throwing my clothes on thinking I'm missing Community Meeting! I rush out and see my room neighbor and another resident in front of the staff office and I was like, "Did I miss Community Meeting?" and my room neighbor was like, "Do we have those on Saturday?" I just had to laugh. "It's Saturday? Wow... well then, I'm going back to sleep!" LOL! Which I did do, however, I knew I was going to be woken up around 10:00am to take my morning meds. I should have just stayed awake. I know better than to go back to sleep for such a short period of time, but did it anyway, so I have felt like I've been dragging all day. Do you think it's made me want to sleep early? Nope. It's after 10:00pm and I don't feel sleepy at all! But I thought that was so funny this morning! I mean, I never forget what day it is! I guess being awake for almost two whole days will do that to you! LOL!

I did hear from my daughter again today. She was telling me about the phone number change and that she was watching her friend's talent show and then asked me if I could help her with her bus pass, which I just can't do this month. I told that to her and she's seriously stressed about it. I completely understand, so I was telling her we needed to get her in to see a psychiatrist. Then I was thinking about my therapist and wondered if he could fill out the paperwork to get her a disabled bus pass. If so, I can probably swing the $18 a month, but there is no way I can afford a youth pass every month. I would literally have no money for essentials. I also told her that she'd have top see this therapist. She wasn't thrilled with it, but my reasoning is two-fold. Not only will this hopefully get her the needed bus pass, but will help her too. I feel like right now, what she really needs, is just to vent about things. Eventually she's going to need to work on the issues, but I think really talking about things with someone other than friends will really help her. So hopefully my idea will work and ultimately I will be doing a really good thing for her as her mom without really telling her that I'm doing it for that reason. LOL! Fingers crossed! But I have to admit I am so happy to have her back! Have I said that yet? LOL!

Then I had to deal with my idiot friend. I love him. I really do, with all my heart. We will be friends until the end of time, I am sure, but he just does NOT think about what he says before he says it, OR he does know what he's saying but honestly believes you're not going to get upset about it! Okay then... Anyway, he calls me today and is asking me what my plans are after I get out of this program, like am I still planning to move in with my son? I said yes, providing he can get a job. Then he tells me that he would hope he would move in with his fiancé eventually. I told him how Jordan had told me that they would still want me there. Do you know what he says to me? That it wouldn't be a good thing because I'm dirty. Yeah... I was like WHAT?! Excuse me? I was so pissed off! Yeah, I was a mess, but he doesn't even know what I'm like now in that area! My room is always clean! I don't have a ton of stuff like I used to and I really wasn't that dirty of a person except when I was seriously depressed, which I was a lot of the time. He was telling me how it would drive my son's fiancé crazy. I was just too pissed off for words. I told him that was enough and I promptly hung up on his ass. Then of course, he was trying to make excuses and justify it. I mean, that was hugely triggering! Like he doesn't know what my mother put me through? How that kind of crap effected me when I lived with his ass? Come on! And you just don't say that to someone you supposed care about. I mean, if he gave a rat's ass about my feelings he would have kept his big mouth shut instead of hurting me, which I honestly believe he knew it would, at least on some level. He did eventually apologize, which is his normal after he's says something or done something to hurt someone. Though I accepted it, it's like, it doesn't excuse it and it's one of the top reasons that I don't tell him what really goes on in my life and especially what goes on in my head. There is no freaking way! And he would love to start up a relationship with me if he could and what he doesn't get is that there is a snowball's chance in hell of that ever happening! I don't trust him not to hurt me. Plus, I know how he treats the people he supposedly cares about and loves. Yeah, NEVER happening. Period. I love him as a friend and that's it. It will never go further, no matter how much he might want it. In the future I might have a relationship, but it would never be with him. There is just no way ever it would be him.
Anyway, after that, I was depressed and upset. I had been so triggered off, and of course, he's totally clueless because he doesn't get stuff like that and I wouldn't tell him how bad it effected me anyway. I happened to mention that I was upset because of something my idiot friend did and immediately my best friend is calling me asking me what he did, because she knew exactly who I was referring to. I have to say that I am so glad she called me. I really needed to talk about it and I am so bad about reaching out to people now. But apparently we both needed to talk and by the end of our conversation I felt so much better! I was actually back to being happy! So that was a great thing! It's nice that I could rebound so quickly because of my best friend. She really is a sister - twin sister - more than anything else. There is no one I'm closer to - female-wise. My Aussie is the other person I am closest too, but I don't look to him like a brother! ;-) LOL!

I did get things done today though. I got my clothes and towels washed - after I downloaded a timer app to make sure I didn't forget about my clothes, and I also washed my bedding. I really needed to do that. Not that they stunk or anything, but it was time. I also wrote with Patty B.. A friend from a Facebook support group I'm in and she's in mine made a few suggestions on a way to make my group better, such as changing the name a bit to make it easier for people to find and to post rules for the group, which I should have done, but had just been putting it off. So finally, tonight, I spent time writing out a list of rules. I like them. Now I just have to type them up and post them. What's going to suck is that I have to do it on my phone since the computer in the computer lab here can't access social media. Guess they don't want people hogging the computer or some other reason. Thank God I have my phone. That's all I can say because I would lose it without Facebook. I need it. That's where most of my emotional support comes from! Plus, it keeps my mind occupied. I would not want to see me without that outlet. It would really, really, really be bad.

I also spent time tonight trying to help this young autistic girl who suffers with self harm. She's a sweet little thing, but being nice and trying to gently nudge her wasn't doing any good so I got a little harsh with her. I'm sorry, but it's fine to whine how your life sucks, IF you want to do something about it. I mean, it takes a lot of work to get up that courage, but if your life sucks and you do nothing, guess what? Your life is going to continue to suck!! Plus, I was trying to give her ideas on how to cope with some really tough, emotional situations, but I felt like it just wasn't getting through. Then, and this drives me nuts, is people tell me that she can't help it because she's autistic. Really?? It's like her babysitter has contacted me twice via messenger and asked me the same question twice. She's having a tantrum what do I do? I told her what to do the first time and this time. You walk away until she calms down. It's how you deal with a toddler tantrum, it's how you'd deal with this one. If no one is there to hear the tantrum then the tantrum fades because there is no reason to have one. It's that simple. But here's what really gets me and really just pisses me off actually. She tells me she can't help it because she's autistic. This are the same words that have come out of the girl's mouth. Okay, well Helen Keller was blind and deaf and was allowed to run around like an animal basically, because "she couldn't help it." Okay, then how is it she learned how to behave and "talk" for lack of a better word? Basically all these people have done is make excuses for this girl to the point she uses it as an excuse for her behavior as well. And by saying this, what incentive does she have to work on changing her behavior? NONE! Why? Because everyone accepts it. They tell her what she's doing is okay because she's autistic and can't help it. Oh man that pisses me off so much, you have no idea. It makes me want to take these people saying this stuff and smack them! I mean, seriously?? That's how you want this girl to act for the rest of her life because she's autistic and can't control herself? I mean, they still put her to bed with a bottle for crying out loud! I don't know. She's going to have a very sad life if something does change for her or for the people around her that keep telling her it's okay to act like a two year old because she's autistic and can't help it. Ugh!! SMACK!

Yeah, I guess I'm still a bit emotional! LOL! But now I'm going to close this up. I have had a good day, pretty much. I may or may not sleep tonight. I think I'll sleep eventually and tomorrow is Sunday so I can sleep until 10:00am if I want. We'll see what happens. And right now, I am going to go talk with the Peer Support Specialist since he's here and I love talking with him! It's probably my favorite person to talk with! It's just nice to have a day that is ending on a good note and that I've been in a pretty good mood for the most part despite some aggravations. I also have things I want to do tomorrow so all is good! So that's it for today - calm seas, bright sun and clear skies... life is good!

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Sun Comes Through the Storm

I actually hesitated to write this, but I have come to the point where I just want to get this out; the pain and the joy. And this is, after all, a chronicle of my life, so to say... My online diary.

I honestly thought things were going to be over. I thought I was going to have to shut the door on my daughter. On Friday, I was prepared to call the police and make a runaway report on her. I felt that one trespassing ticket would lead to another and another and I just didn't want to be financially responsible for her and her fiancé as they camped out. It wasn't like they wanted to do anything other than use me anyway. But funny enough, though I had seven hours of sleep, I was still exhausted and ended up falling asleep during the last fifteen minutes of group, which is one of the painful groups for me to sit through. But I had participated practically the whole time. But I don't remember falling asleep, of course. My eyes were closed anyway. That's usually how I am in groups if it's one of these groups where I know almost everything or it doesn't pertain to me. But the next thing I know, my eyes open and I am alone in the living room on the couch. I would have thought they'd wake me during group. But they didn't so either because I never fell asleep in group they decided to leave me undisturbed, or they didn't think I was actually sleeping, or that they knew just how little sleep I was getting and left me be. But either one, I had slept the night before. But I got up, had lunch - cheese sandwich on jalapeño cheese bread and a yogurt. I just knew thought, that I was just going to go back to sleep and that's exactly what I did. I went to my room, laid down on the bed, having absolutely no energy and fell asleep. I slept for four-five hours. By the time I woke up, it was almost time for dinner. In my opinion, just too late to make that call to the police.

The next morning I'm called by my daughter's fiancé telling me she's missing. That she's been missing for a day and night. That she had gone off with some friends and that he hadn't seen her since. Okay, I went from being asleep to being awake really fast. My first thought was to call the police. Of course, I asked him what he knew. He admitted to me that they had gotten into a physical fight. He admitted that it had been bad, but still  played it down that they had both hurt each other and blah, blah, blah... I asked if she had bruises. He said yes and said that he did too. Okay... I got the name and phone number of the guy she had originally gone off with. The first time I called and said who I was he hung up on me. He might not of believed me. The next time, I told him that if he didn't tell me where my daughter was I was going to call the cops, give them this number and let them track his ass down. He replied that would be interesting. I think he hung up again. The next time I called he didn't pick up so I started calling and calling and calling and calling and calling... think pit bull with a bone. It also kept him from being able to use his phone, which in turn, caused him to answer it again. I told him I wanted to know where she was. He told me he didn't know but she was safe. I was like, how does that make sense? And I drilled him a little more. I got a name. That was it and like where they sometimes meet up. I don't remember the whole conversation, but I was like, I was done talking. I wasn't getting anywhere. So I called her fiancé back. Apparently, he had the same information. He said he was going to call them back so I had already told her fiancé that if my daughter didn't show up within 12-24 hours I was calling the police and that since he was going to call this guy back to let him know this and that I am not joking. Even her fiancé knows that if I say I'm going to call the cops I will. I don't make empty threats.

Well, the message got delivered because within an hour I was talking with my daughter and I got filled in with what happened. Well, parts of it and it made me sick inside. She told me she was bruised up all over. That there was a little bruise on her face and she's right, it's really, really little, but it's there. However, when she told me the little bit that she told me, I felt so angry and sick. I asked her to send photos of the bruises. I wanted to see them - especially the one of her face, which as it turned out wasn't that big. The others that she set me photos of were... wow... So yeah, my anger built up quite a bit. But on the flipside of this, I felt like I could talk to my daughter again! It was like that negative energy surrounding her was finally GONE! OMG! I mean, I don't expect things to ever be great. If they get there, I'll be thrilled! If they don't, I'm just glad I can talk to her almost every day now and not worry that she's going to hold her claws out ready to strike me. It's sad, but it seems like the women in our little family seem to have to have something drastic happen to them before they see the light and realize something has to change. For me, it was January. For her, it was this. I was just glad to know that she's safe. That she's with people that just want to protect her and aren't going to let that little prick near her again!  She said there are even a couple of Hell's Angels wanting to protect her too. That made me think of someone I knew from my "previous life." But you don't mess with those guys so hey! That works for me. It was just nice to feel like I had reconnected with my daughter again; at least a little.

Yesterday she called me and told me that she was going over to her fiancé's mother's place to get her things and for me to call her and let her know. I had to make sure she had people going with her. At first  she said just one person or two and I was like... I don't know... even though I wasn't like the coward was about to do anything. But still. I didn't like the idea of her being in harm's way so to say. Then come to find out, there are like five other people going! I was like, okay, now I feel better. But I called the number I had for her and it can't take calls at this time. So I had to alternative than to call her fiancé. Thank God, he didn't answer so I got the chance to leave a voicemail. I told him to let his mother know what was about to happen and such and such, and then, just to get my Momma Bear in finally I said to him, "If you ever touch my daughter again there will be problems." And I hung up. I felt so go being able to say that! LOL! YES! It was awesome and I felt like finally I could act like a mother again - well, up to a certain point. After all, soon she's going to be 18... not that I'm going to stop being her mother. It's just, she is good at taking care of herself. It's unfortunate how it happened, but I way able to give her this gift that I didn't have. This sense of being independent. I never had that. I was taught learned helplessness. It's what my mother wanted, whether she realized it or not. I was the brat child. I was the worst child she'd ever seen. She was done having kids when I came along... emotionally she crippled me and made me think I wasn't good enough to live, let alone stand on my own two feet. And I definitely did not want that for my girl!

Anyway, today was Memorial Day, of course. We had a BBQ here for lunch, which was nice. There were two on kitchen duty for sides and then there were three of us for set-up. Everyone else was on clean-up and I really just didn't feel like doing clean-up. Plus set-up is so easy! You can't ask for an easier job! I ate too much, of course. Not a good thing, but it was so good! I grabbed a bag of chips - Fritos chili cheese flavor, a cup of coke and a cheese burger with fixings. That took me a lot to eat just by itself. Then after that, I went and got some baked beans, which is what I wanted, a piece of corn on the cob, a piece of watermelon, two cookies and a couple more bags of chips for later. LOL! Oh, and a cup of sprite. Needless to say, by the time I had gotten through the beans, corn and watermelon I felt like I was going to burst. It wasn't a good feeling. I went and laid down for about 20 minutes and then felt better. I actually noshed on some Fritos. Then I was talking with my nephew Manny and he was asking me where to find cheap sodas or if I knew of a place or he wished there was a place... I don't exactly remember, but I told him about the Circle K down at the corner where the sodas were .89 for the 44 oz. He was shocked. He was talking about 7 Eleven where he was paying $2. So shocked was he, he offered me a soda to walk down with him. He was so sweet! I had so been wanting a soda. My stomach was great at the time. I ended up getting a Wild Cherry Pepsi. I mean, I know I've said that I was going to keep with the diet drinks... however, I hadn't had a soda for awhile and I just wanted what I wanted, you know? Then went we got back I didn't want to sit in the dining room drinking the soda because Rhonda the administrator was there and opted for the Serenity garden. We talked. Then we were joined by my other nephew Jerry. Another resident had been talking on and off with us, followed by another and we all started talking about going to Mexico. Basically I was sharing some of the food places and such when I was down there, but that I didn't think I could go back to Mexico. Just too many bad memories. But he showed me this video of where some of this family lived - Manny. And it was really beautiful. I thought, yeah, maybe I could go there. Still, my stomach was rebelling. That knot of anxiety was there. It sucks. I would like to go down and not feel this way, though I doubt I can ever go back to Rosarito. I don't want to run into anyone I know. I just want to close that chapter of my history. Plus, there are people I really don't want to see again who I would ultimately cross paths with again, knowing my luck. And I would have to face leaving my cats. I mean, right in my face and I just can't deal with that. I don't even know who took them. I just hope they are safe and happy.

Anyway, after finishing the soda, I decide I am going to check in on my daughter! Especially since I feel like I can now! I just wanted to make sure that she was able to get her things. Not that I would have known what to do if she hadn't been able to. But I was relieved. Of course, she said her fiancé had dumped everything out all over the place out of the bag they had been in, just to be a spiteful little prick. Surprise, surprise there. But I finally got to tell her how good it was to be able to not be afraid to call her. That I felt like I could talk to her again. She told me how she felt so much better away from him. That she was much better off. That she had people that cared and wanted to protect her. He had her totally isolated, just like abusers do. And I told her that it was as if this cloak of negativity was just gone now. And we talked about other things too, like I mentioned school and she didn't jump down my throat! We talked about having the information ready. That should something happen I'll write another medical note for a friend of hers who's at least 18 to be able to get her seen when she's sick. But it was just good to talk with her and we hung up again saying "I love you" and have there be meaning there again, I think. It is on my end, anyway, and I think it is on hers too. She is seeing just what he did to her and her life. Thank God!

Her brother also called me last night. He got himself his own phone and plan that he's going to pay for every month on his own! I think that's great! He was also telling me about this program he's going to look into that will help him with housing, job, education or something... I encouraged him to check more into it for sure. I also told him what happened to his sister. Yeah... as much as he was ready to disown her, that's still his sister and what's been broken can be fixed now that she's away from him. He told me flat out he wanted to beat her fiancé's butt, to put it mildly. I told him it's not worth him going to jail. However, I had my own fantasies about hiring someone to do harm to him. Not like I have the money or could live with myself. But it's nice to plot revenge in the head, even if it's never put into action. I had even posted a status on my Facebook, asking if anyone knew of a hitman that took payment plans! LOL! No one knew why I had posted it, but I got a bunch of likes on it! LOL! You have to have some laughs in the crap, right? But the silver lining here is that my daughter is away from that monster. That her and I are getting a relationship back and that she feels like she can move forward in her life. Those are important things to me. Not that I would have ever wished what happened to her on her. But it did have a positive effect.
Anyway, I worried my Aussie last night, I think. I wrote him an email talking about all the assholes that people had offered to take out for me and had never allowed it and how sometimes I regret it. And I did kind of go on about it. So I guess that worried him and when he wrote me back he made sure that I should just try to let the revenge thing go and that they'd get theirs. He was also happy that my daughter and I had reconnected and there was another personal part that I'm not gonna share! ;-)
Last night I didn't get any sleep. Not that it was a bad thing. I have functioned all day without a problem, only taking a 20 minutes nap, unintentionally. Just laying on the bed on the phone, writing with my friend from the Netherlands... waiting for a reply... and the bed is comfy and... zzzzzz... LOL! But I woke up and just in time to help with the set up for the BBQ. It was great writing my with friend from the Netherlands. We're actually working on an interesting story. We've actually been writing stories that hint at assassins, but we haven't really written anything about them directly. It's like my character who is definitely an assassin though she says she's a Security Consultant, we haven't seen anything she's done yet. She's on vacation. She then runs into these famous ice skating pair and they strike up a conversation. The woman is getting married and the man is her best friend, who's going to give her away. Anyway, my character is attracted to his character, but she's not going to pursue anything. But she does talk about how she did used to ice skate awhile back. He's looking for a new partner because she's getting married and she's pregnant. Even though my character doesn't think for a moment they could even think she could do something like this they actually evaluate her skills the next day. She's a little beyond the age, but she does have the raw talent. Still, that's all it is and she does have a job and such. But they develop this friendship and she and he eventually end up together. Though just in the beginning stages right now. But it's been really fun to write! I mean, real kind of life, though maybe a bit exaggerated, has been fun! And it gives me more ways to develop my characters for my actual stories. So I'm more than happy. I can't wait for tomorrow to get writing with her again!

Anyway, my stomach is upset. I'm not sure if it's gas or a beginning ulcer, which would really suck, but my stomach keeps hurting at least once everyday. It was okay for awhile earlier, but it's hurting again. And I would like to actually have some dinner before it's too late. I want baked beans on bread. Really simple, but really delicious! We'll see though. Kitchen closes at 10:00pm and it's just after 9:00pm. But I am just so happy. I have a part of my daughter back! I have my son! My life, for this moment, is good! The storm for the moment has broken up and is passing away.

Friday, May 22, 2015

The Storm Within the Storm Throughout

There have been lulls, of course, but the storm seems to always be brewing and threatening and then brewing. I can feel the pressure dropping along with my mood. Too much has been happening, though some parts have giving me some clear sailing, but then the clouds come and the wind picks up and the storm comes.

Last week I had three nights of headaches that on a scale of 1-10 were 8s and 9s. On the third night I knew I had to go to the ER. I just couldn't take the pain any longer. I even missed evening group because I just couldn't go. They called a non-emergency ambulance to take me. I was in agony. It took them a good 15 minutes, but they got me into a room. They drew blood, took an EKG and all that fun stuff. I thought they'd put an IV in my arm, but they didn't. I also didn't have to wait to see the doctor, which in my opinion, is a miracle! Instead he decided to give me delauded pills. For those that don't know what that is, from what I understand, it's synthetic morphine. They started me off on 2mgs. When they would put an IV in me, they usually gave me 1mg. Anyway, 2mgs didn't do it. He gave me another milligram. That didn't do it. He gave me a steroid. That didn't help. Then he gives me two more milligrams of the delauded and FINALLY I got relief. But it took 5mgs! That's a huge dose, I'm guessing. I came back home and they couldn't believe I was standing, let alone, acting normal. It did suck getting there thought. For southern California, it was raining. I had to stand out in the rain waiting for the bus because there was no cover. I guess I was lucky that there was a bench! Not that I could use it, considering it was completely wet! But I had to stand in the rain for about 15 minutes or so because the bus was late. I am guessing it was because of the rain. When I got to my stop, it wasn't raining, which was good. As a treat for what I had gone through, I stopped at the Circle K and got myself a drink. I splurged and got myself an orange bang. It evokes happy memories/feelings from childhood. Anyway, I think I still took my night medication and went to bed. Surprisingly I didn't go right to sleep and ended up only sleeping a handful of hours... Still, I woke up easy enough. I was just thankful the headache was gone!

I seemed to be okay until the weekend. I had a full night of not sleeping I believe the following night after that hospital.I didn't sleep much the night after either. But Friday night I figured I would get a few extra hours than usual because we didn't have to wake up early. That's the deal. The weekends we get to wake up later. On Sundays we don't even have to do chores, unless you have a kitchen chore or an after dinner chore.

Anyway, at 8:30am a girl I do not recognize is waking us up at 8:30am... I had been asleep maybe three hours tops. Yeah... so I got dressed and went to her. I wasn't rude, but I was not a happy camper. I am pretty good at hiding it though. I just don't see the point in angry conflict. It doesn't get your anywhere. So I went to her and asked her why she was waking us up at 8:30am. She was like, "Isn't that what you usually do?" I had to explain to her that no, that wasn't how things worked. I had been here since February and no one had ever woken us up on a Saturday. At least not until you had to get your medication, which has to be taken by a certain time. I also had to explain to her that I hadn't been sleeping and that it wasn't a good thing she woke me up, She offered to give me my meds and let me go back to sleep, but once I'm awake, I'm awake and told her that. Anyway, it set the tone for the day. The mild irritations I had been feeling, which were no big deal at all, so I always let them go, was tenfold now. Not that I acted on any of it, but it was rough. And there was just too much time on my hands. I mean, I did keep busy on Facebook, but it was a long, long day. Then you'd think I'd sleep that night... HA! Nope, and then we get woken up early AGAIN on Sunday. I wasn't happy after only a couple of hours of sleep. But then I heard someone remind us about the bowling excursion. Well... No one bothered to make a direct statement about going. Yeah... so I missed it by minutes! I was FURIOUS! I couldn't really hide it at that point. Not that I went around ranting and raving like a lunatic, but I was angry. This was the first outing we have had since I've been here. Yeah... and to miss it by a couple of minutes... So at least I became a bit productive, I did two loads of laundry. One was a very small load of clothes I decided to do after I took a shower so literally everything of mine was clean. I should have washed the sheets on my bed too while I was at it, but I didn't. I think someone else asked to use the washer at that point, because everyone had come back. I wouldn't look Catherine, the Peer Support Specialist that had taken everyone and hadn't bothered to say anything in the eyes. I was that angry and I didn't want her to see that, I guess. But it was another God-Awful feeling day. I wasn't sure what to expect on Monday.

Monday morning came. I had only slept a few hours again, but I woke up in a good mood! The anger from the weekend had melted away, which was a good thing. Except that my Asshole Psychiatrist (who is now FIRED) stopped my pain medication, even though I wasn't an addict. I only use it when I need it. I wanted to kill him! I still want to harm him. At the very least, smack the shit out of him! Okay, actually I wouldn't do anything like that, but not to say the urge isn't there. I'm just not a violent person. Never have been. I only write assassins! I'm not one myself! LOL! And I don't hate people, but to be honest, I HATE him. I can't say that I don't wish evil stuff on him. Maybe I am over reacting, but I am just tired of his shit! He's given me NOTHING but problems. I knew he wasn't a good fit for me anyway so I started a process to get another psychiatrist, which I did and FINALLY yesterday I got to see her. She is wonderful! Immediately we hit it off. She was thrilled that I knew all the jargon and she could talk to me like I was a professional, not some idiot. That goes a very long way with me. So that was great! Something to be happy about. However, she could not reverse the crap Dr. Asshole had done with my medication. It was against the law and wasn't sure how he was able to. So now I'm in a catch-22. I can't access my medication and even if I were to get another prescription for it, I might not be able to have it! Yeah, which means if I get another killer headache, it's back to the ER for more delauded... Yeah.... Thrillsville! I HATE that man! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! Did I say I HATE him??

But the night before I did end up at the ER again, though not for a headache. I was dizzy. It kept getting worse. I started also getting nauseous. My legs almost gave out of me, My heart pounded really hard for awhile. I just kept feeling worse and worse. Again, the non-emergency ambulance. Only this time, there isn't room for me so I have to be parked in the waiting room, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid, They still ran tests as I was waiting. They took blood, did X-rays, urine, EKG and all of that. My last EKG when I'd had the headache came out abnormal, but apparently it wasn't anything to be concerned about or they would have kept me. Still, it worried me. Plus there was the odd comment my cardiologist made as well. That I could see another cardiologist who would put a pacemaker in, but he wasn't going to? I didn't think about it at the time, but really? If there was nothing to worry about why would you say that? But whatever..., At the hospital it all checked out. And everything came back normal! Can you believe that? Ugh! Not that I wanted something to be wrong, but it's kind of like, really?? I feel like shit and there's nothing wrong? They did diagnose me with Sinusitis. Yeah, so I got a prescription for Zithromax or the equivalent that Medi-Cal will cover. Also he gave me a short term prescription for steroids. I was concerned it might cause weight gain. That's the last thing I need! But as it turns out, I would have to be on them for awhile and he only prescribed them for 5 days. So that's okay.

Yesterday was all right and I was glad to see my new psychiatrist. I mean, that made my day. On the way home though, I missed the bus. I was literally across the street waiting for the light! LOL! So I decide to go to the McDonald's and grab something off the value menu. It was my last dollar, which sucked, but I hadn't eaten. So I settled on a McChicken. It was good. But get this. I'm at the corner AGAIN and the bus comes... I miss it again! LOL! Wow! So I give up and decide that I'm going to just go to the bus stop and sit down. The other one was only going to be 20 minutes or so. As it is, it came in about 15 minutes, which was great! But I also decided to stop on my way home at the MetroPCS store because for most of the day my phone was shutting off by itself and turning itself back on. I couldn't do anything without it acting up! Thank God I knew the buses I needed to take and didn't have to look. But get this. As soon as I decide to go my phone starts working perfectly again... yeah. I still go and like an auto mechanic, they can't do anything unless the problem is happening or can be duplicated. Yeah... Well, it hasn't given me trouble since, so I hope whatever was going on has resolved itself. God knows my entire life is on my phone. I was go literally insane without it because my mind has to be constantly occupied. Outside of having bipolar, complex - PTSD and anxiety issues like panic attacks, I know I had ADD. It's why I can multitask, though it's really just limited to visual stuff. Well, sometimes, I can't do phones and visual stuff. That's too hard, but I can do several things at once. It's just that's not one of them. Though I don't have a hearing problem I had trouble processing auditory information. It's better that if I have to listen that I have something to read with it. Then I learn it. Yesterday ended on a really good note too. I was worried about my Aussie and I finally heard from him. I was so glad I did! He was, of course, worried about me having been back in the hospital. That was the last he'd heard so he was hoping I was all right. I guess we worried each other quite a bit. So hearing from him made my day all the better. I can't express how much I love him!

Well... I have been trying to write this blog entry for a good week now. Of course, I get put off for one reason or another. Yesterday, I was at the library and using their Wifi on my own laptop because I had forgotten my wallet with my ID and card, but luckily I had my laptop. Well, it was lucky for awhile. Then a virus came up, which must have been hiding in the laptop (I didn't own it from the beginning) and it shut down my browsers... Yeah... So that was the end of my blog entry writing. I packed up, came back here and then last night, the computer here was being occupied, though for a really good reason. My nephew Jerry is doing online classes so those come first anyway. Anyway, finally, this evening, I can write. Let's see if I can get this finished before some other catastrophe comes up to prevent it!

Another bad thing about yesterday is that I finally decided to go through my voicemail. Big mistake. Not such a problem for some of the numbers since I recognized a few of them and I could easily delete them, but then there was one from my daughter. Of course... I felt it was from here and I guess that's why I put it off for four days. But I finally listened to it. What was it? Her telling me how she got a ticket for Trespassing and that I need to come to court with her and that I'm probably going to have to pay her fine. Anyway, I started thinking about the fact that I already have a huge fine to pay - a ticket I got for an illegal U-Turn. The cop knew it was an honest mistake and literally turned around to track me down to give me the freaking ticket. Can we say BITCH! Gotta make that quota! Anyway, back to the main point. I started wondering if they could put me in jail for a huge fine. I am guess not. I mean, they have a lot of other people that need to be in jail and there aren't debtors prisons anymore. Then I started thinking, she doesn't come to me for anything except when she needs something that only I can do for her. I can't even suggest anything to her without her giving me attitude and her fiancé has her so poisoned against me, why should I be here to do anything? She's nto living where she was supposed to be living. She's not going to school. So what exactly is she doing except living on the streets with her jerk fiancé who is on the way to losing his job. Really, they are both burning every bridge they have an every bridge they manage to make. And I am thinking it's time to literally close the door on her. I am going to report her as a runaway. I don't want to. The whole idea of it makes me sick inside. It's like I know when I do this, things are just going to be over. That will be the end. My daughter will not be my daughter anymore. That door will be shut. It's just how it will be. But I can't keep going through this. I need to not be responsible for her actions anymore. It needs to be over. And it's making me sick. My depression started yesterday...

I actually went to sleep relatively early for me and I must have slept about 7 hours or so, which is more than I have gotten at one time lately. I didn't want to get up, but I did. I got dressed, made my bed, went to community meeting... did the walk, did my new chore. I still felt kind of okay, but not really. There was nothing interesting for breakfast so I ended up eating a chocolate croissant I had pilfered yesterday when they had brought out goodies. That was breakfast. Then I went to morning group. Oh, that was so fun! Not! Dual Diagnosis is one of the most boringly painful groups here for me. Why? I don't have a Dual Diagnosis. I am neither an alcoholic with mental illness, nor am I an addict with one, and today was all about relapse because of the holiday weekend. Don't get me wrong! It's a very important group to have. But NOT FOR ME!!! And I am literally required to go. But for the first time ever, I actually fell asleep in group! Grant you, it was only the last 10-15, but still... I woke up 5 minutes after group was over. I noticed because the room was empty except for me. I then looked at the clock. Five minutes after group. That was enough. I am guessing they just didn't notice, or if they did they know I have never slept in group before, or they all knew I haven't been sleeping normally and let me sleep. Either way, I woke up alone in the living room on the comfy couch. Then I grabbed something to eat for lunch, only because I had to. It was cheese on cheese jalapeno bread and a key lime Chibanni yogurt. Then I went back to my room and crashed out until almost 5:30pm. And when I woke up I was still depressed. And the dreams were not good. I had one nightmare where I didn't know I was pregnant. I was not all the way along either and I apparently went into labor, which I didn't know. Had a doctor or paramedic telling me not to push and this baby comes out stillborn. It was awful. Why do I only remember the bad dreams now? Why?? So I woke up still majorly depression.

Dinner was good. My other nephew Manny cooked dinner with another girl here and they made chicken stirfry and it was delicious. That sad thing is I got sick eating dinner. I didn't even take that much and it tasted so good, but I started getting nauseous and my stomach started hurting badly. I thought I was going to go back to my room and throw up. I didn't, thank goodness, but I felt like it. After about 15-20 minutes I felt better. Then it was time to wish another person here and happy birthday. Couldn't eat the cake. That one fridge is disgusting and it went into the frosting. It made me gag so I can't even enjoy the cakes here because that's where they store them. Then I brought out my movies because tonight was Socialization group, which translates into Movie Night. And I supply the movies because their selection here SUCKS! However, I'm running out of movies because I'd say 97% of my collection is R rated movies. What can I say? Those are the ones I seem to like the best! But tonight everyone picked "Now You See Me" which I have wanted them to pick several times already so that was a nice diversion for awhile. Not everyone stayed for the whole movie, but that's normal. However, my nephews did and that's what mattered to me.

I wish it weren't the weekend in Australia. I won't hear from my Aussie until Sunday at the earliest and I could so use a smile from him. He can always make my bad days better just by a simple email letting me know he's thinking about me. But I'll have to content myself to reread the ones he's already sent. Maybe it'll help me through this depression. I really hope that I don't wake up depressed tomorrow and I know I'm going to sleep tonight because I can already feel it. I just don't want to feel it anymore. I just want to feel good like I have been. I was doing great! Then my daughter...

And so brews the storm... the darkness... the wind... the rain... the lightening... the thunder... in the end, we'll see what's left...

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Eye of the Storm

Yesterday I woke up and it seemed like the gloom from Mother's Day had, indeed, worn off. I felt relatively good! That was, until I got a phone call from my daughter's school. I knew she hadn't been going to school, but I was informed it was over a month. I had been getting recorded called every day, but a month? And she had told me over and over how she was going to go back to school... yeah... and everyone told me. I guess what it really came down to is I just didn't want to fight with her anymore. Every time I dealt with her it set my emotionally recovery back that much farther. But here it was, I now had to call the school and explain to them that she did not live with me, therefore I had no control over whether or not she actually showed up. But it just sent me into a tailspin. I was so depressed after that. I can't tell you if it was because I was expected to do something I couldn't do (which was not implied, by the way), or that it was because I couldn't even talk to her about it. The one time I had mentioned school to her, which I believe I have already mentioned was when she jumped down my throat or rather got very nasty with me via text. I felt like not being able to do anything that a mother would do. I wasn't sure how I was going to get out of that frame of mind.

Then, Jason actually told me he was coming up to visit and he was serious! He got on the train and everything! I still didn't quite believe it at first, and I can't say I was excited, because my depression had me tight. But he showed up, took me to lunch at the Beach Break Café! My favorite place! I actually ordered something off the breakfast menu! I had a Denver omelet, home fries and biscuits with gravy and topped off with a root beer. That was before I knew what I was ordering, but it worked! Needless to say, I didn't even get halfway through it, but it was delicious! After that, we walked to the beach. Was we walked through the water I found some really nice shells, and really just enjoyed myself! I started feeing good! So by the time we went back and I talked with my Care Coordinator I was back to feeling happy. Of course, Jason left before I got out of the meeting. I figured that would happen since he has ADD and can't stay in one place long without some reason. But he plans to come up again on a weekend.  I think the beach was a good incentive for that. So for the rest of the evening I had a good time. In fact, my Tarot cards arrived! I did two readings and, as always, I was dead on for the past and the present. I still have it! So I went to bed feeling good. I even slept good, though it was HARD for me to get up this morning!

I woke up good this morning. I felt decent except being very tired. I have a feeling it was all those nights of not sleeping well. Anyway, I got up, got dressed, made my bed and do all the things I normally do - Go to Community Meeting, go for the walk, do my chore, take my medication, eat something... But before Group I was starting to fall asleep. That sleepiness hadn't gone away, so I actually went out and bought a Red Bull. It didn't help much. At least I was alert through group. It was good because it was a PAG group where we discuss things about the facility that we like and what we would like to see. I got to participate a lot. I was first with an idea - Art or Expressive Arts group. I really want that. I also made suggestions that I had put in the suggestion box, but told her there - about the fridge and the rubber strip for the mop closet to keep water from spilling into the hallway. Things were really going well, but I also knew my therapy appointment was coming up. I also knew that it wasn't going to be easy and that I was probably going to come away not feeling so good - such is trauma therapy. What didn't help was that I had a headache. I took something before the session, but it didn't work. Then during the session we talked about why Mother's Day had been so rough and I told him about how I just couldn't stop thinking about everything I did wrong. I also talked about how I had tried not to be like my mother... and he pointed out that I did the best I could with what I could. Again, I couldn't go back, which I kept saying myself, and he pointed out to me that my son came out great, so I had to have done something right.

We also talked about my mother, my Ex Husband and how my daughter had been molested up at his house when she was 7 by his 22 year old step son, he didn't believe her and even testified for the little prick. I also talked about how he used to be able to control me by saying he would take me to court, but during that time I went to three different court houses or a total of eleven times in seven month... yeah, I was cured. I also had his parental rights taken away. I was visibly still pissed. I even admitted that I guess I still hated him for that. He asked me if I fixated on this stuff. I told him no, that it usually didn't cross my mind, but when it did the feelings would come up like it was yesterday. That it was like that for a lot of memories - he called it reliving it. That's exactly what it is. I told him the only traumatic memory I have with no emotions attached to it is when I was molested. It's weird. I went through it with him and he seemed surprised. He asked me how I could have processed it. I have no clue and I don't know if I really did. I mean, it still effected my life. Then I told him next month is going to be difficult. I have my father's birthday, father's day and the date my niece died. I told him the hardest day is going to be the day my niece died. It was like losing a daughter or as close to it as I EVER want to get. I told him that it was like being hit by a freight train when I found out. And the funny thing, I haven't been emotional about her death in a long time. I mean, it took me YEARS before I could talk about her without crying, but now it seems like all of that's back and I think it might be because of what's going on with Cassi. It's one daughter versus the second daughter, I guess. I have lost them both in a way. And I don't know if I'll ever get Cassi back in any way, shape or form. I have a feeling like I won't, but the future is undetermined. I'm not going to pretend I know because I don't. But ever since that session I've had a very hard time. I feel like I want to cry. I feel very emotional. Maybe even emotionally overwhelmed. All I can say is thank God Patty B stayed on and wrote with me all the way up until evening group. She didn't know what was going on, but she just wrote with me and I needed that. It also helped that she had something really sad happen in the story and I was able to use that to express some of those feelings. Not to say I feel better because I don't. Plus my headache is still here and it's up to about a 7-8 which is usually the time I think about the ER to get some Delauded. But I have a worry that if I go, not only will I be stuck there waiting for hours, but by the time they release me, I will have no way to get back here. Public transportation doesn't run all night. But if it gets worse, I won't have a choice.

I am thinking about talking with the Peer Support Specialist here about all of this. I trust him and that says a lot. But I haven't decided yet. Anyway, I have moved from the eye of the storm (yesterday) back into the storm today. I can only see what the skies will bring tomorrow.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

The Storm Within

Okay, maybe it's not exactly a storm inside me, but it sure doesn't feel good. After not sleeping for over 24 hours I finally crashed hard. Yesterday and I went out to lunch with my nephews to Domino's for some yummy pizza I was exhausted and not feeling very well by the time we got back so I went to lay down. I got up long enough to take my 5:00pm medication because I knew they would wake me up long enough to take them so I cut them off at the pass so to say. After that, I slept. I woke up long enough to take my 10:00pm night meds and get right back to sleep. I can't really remember all my dreams, but something about one of them seemed like it took place on Halloween. Go figure.

Anyway, I woke up around 8:00am. I forced myself to stay awake. Maybe that was a bad idea. I don't know. But I thought I had slept enough. But even now I feel like I could just sleep. Maybe I will shortly. I guess it just depends on how I feel. Of course, right now I'm not feeling so good. Of course, I'm not. It's Mother's Day.

I should like Mother's Day, right? I'm a mother... However, I have screwed up so much as a mother to the point where my daughter hauled off and hit me in the face in January. I mean, it was her and her fiancé against me, but she's the one that hit me. It's just I know how badly I screwed up. There are so many other things I should have done and shouldn't have done, but I can't go back and fix them as much as I might want to. There were so many things I know now that I didn't know then that could have changed so much. I am just so depressed. I just completely failed with her and I keep asking myself why I didn't just let the state take her. It hurts. I didn't feel it before because I have been so angry, but I do hurt. And I know her wonderful fiancé had just continued to poison her. So that's fine. She can have him and hate me. It's what she wants. It hurts that she hates me because of my mistakes, but even more because her fiancé has just poisoned her and poisoned her and he continues to do so. I bet I hear from her when she's ready to come get the money I'm giving her. I don't think I'll even see her. I'll give staff the money to give to her because he'll be with her and I definitely don't want to see him. Period. He hates me, though he says he doesn't. He definitely wants her to hate me. So he can stay the hell away from me.

I'm just emotional. It doesn't help that I started. That I am still tired after all the lack of sleep. But this does hurt. At least Jordan called me. My son. The one child I succeeded with. He loves me so much and I love him so much. I don't know what I would do without him to be honest. He has been there for me and through a lot with me. And he even wants me to move in with him when he's ready to get a place. I just wish I didn't feel so depressed and like crying. I hate to cry. I feel vulnerable and out of control. Either is not okay for me. Not for anyone else. I have no problem telling others it's okay to cry, but it's never been okay for me. So what do I get for that? A sick and stormy feeling inside my chest... People will tell me to cry. Part of me wants to, but my automatic reaction is to stop it. It's not a response I chose consciously. It started in childhood. To cry was to be open to abuse because you were vulnerable and being vulnerable was an invitation to be emotionally abused further. SO even though I thinking crying is a good thing, I just can't. The only time I do is when I am in emotional crisis. If I'm crying, I am on the edge and ready to fall over the cliff or get swallowed up by the hurricane.

At least I have had several people here and on Facebook wish me a happy Mother's Day, but I can't seem to get passed the depression. Maybe tomorrow, after I have slept more and this day is over the depression will be gone. It's possible. I have experienced depressions that last only a day with things like this. Only I can see it lasting longer because the situation with my daughter is going to be going on for quiet awhile. We'll see, I guess. And I can't remember when my next appointment is with my Trauma Therapist. I don't know if it's going to make a difference where this is concerned, but maybe. I can hope.

Anyway, I might go out and get a soda at the Circle K, though I really shouldn't spend the money, but I feel like I just want to do something and maybe getting out for a bit, even if it is only for 10 minutes might pull me out of this depression, if only for a few minutes. Until then, the storm rages within.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Storm Brewing

Okay, first off, I didn't sleep last night. I mean, not at all. So that makes one night 2-3 hours of sleep, next night 6 hours of sleep followed by no sleep. Yeah, that's like 4 days and 3 nights? I am definitely feeling it tonight. I was fine this morning! I mean, I went ahead, took a shower, got dressed, made my bed. Got a few other things done before community meeting. It was raining so we didn't have to go on the walk. I wouldn't have cared, but it was kind of nice to get out of it. Also found out we got a new vacuum for the facility YAY! I have wanted to vacuum my bedroom for about a week. I mean, not that it's dirty really, but I'm sure crumbs have fallen down and I wanted to get those up. Then new chores come out today. I got cove 3 bathroom and common area. I just don't know why they didn't give me my own cove! I mean, it's weird to be in other people's coves. I feel like I am invading privacy or something. I mean, they even tell us we're not supposed to step into a cove that's not ours without permission. Not that anyone really listens except Rhonda, who I can't stand, makes a fuss over it. Anyway, when I went to take my morning meds I did let staff know that I felt uncomfortable, but I was just kinda told to suck it up for lack of a better term.

Well, it wasn't that big of a deal. I got it done and think I did a pretty darn, good job! I also make sure there is always extra toilet paper. Sometimes people don't do that in the coves. I like to make sure there's more than enough. Even in my cove I took several rolls and put them under just in case whoever had the chore didn't do it.

After that, I had a frozen breakfast meal. Jerry found then in the freezer so I just had to try one. It was pretty good. It was eggs, bacon and potatoes. It worked. But then it was time for Dual Diagnosis group... Ugh.... I do NOT have a dual diagnosis. Here, in the facility, it means than not only do you have a mental illness, but also an addiction. That doesn't fit me. Doesn't fit Jerry or my newest nephew. So it makes it the most boring group! I mean, I know all of it anyway. I actually almost nodded off a few times. I think I did for a few seconds here and there, but my restless legs started acting up really bad to where my legs were actually jerking. I think I can blame that on the lack of sleep too. But after group the guys and I were talking and I agreed to go to Starbucks because I knew staying here and doing nothing was going to be a really bad thing. I would want to sleep and my legs would be jerking and tingling and I would get frustrated, maybe even cry. So it was better to be out doing something.

Because Jerry had to be back to cook dinner we chose a Starbucks closer to here. Well, Jerry had to wait to talk to someone on staff. I was waiting to find out if I had mail. I did! I got two more of my DVDs and my Tarot Made Easy book. That book helped me so much in my readings. I did get rather good remembering the cards using this book. I mean, I couldn't remember everything and had to use it as a reference, but I have a talent for reading the cards. It's going to suck to break in the new cards when they get here, but it'll happen. I was kind of unhappy with the case for The Blacklist Season One. There was part of the inside literally broken so that the DVDs, though they can't get scratched, pretty much fall out of the case. Ugh! But at least I have it and that's the most important thing to me. So I got over it. LOL! I also got "The Day After Tomorrow" one of my favorite disaster flicks ever! But once Jerry was done we stayed long enough until the bus was coming and we took off. We went to McDonald's, with the intention of going to Starbucks, but we saw that first. We did end up at Starbucks too, but I don't think I'm going back to that one. I mean, there were hardly any outlets. Several of them didn't even work! Reception with the wifi sucked so bad where I had to sit that I couldn't even log online! But Manny got us Frapps. I do have to say that at least it was happy hour and all Frapps were half off! And that's only going to last until Sunday anyway, so as far as I'm concerned I would rather travel an hour on the bus to go to the one I like. The outlets work and they actually have comfy places to sit. Not crap places. That one ranked really, really low on my list.

When I checked the time the bus would be going back, which I should have checked earlier, we ran into a problem. Jerry needed to get back because he had to help cook dinner. He was up. Well, the bus wasn't going to be there until after Jerry needed to be back so he ended up going to catch the Sprinter and then the bus. He didn't get back right on time, but he got there earlier than he would have been with us. But before we left we stopped at The Dollar Tree we found. I only spent just over $8, but I got three big bottles of Arizona tea - two green and one sweet. I also got Pixie Stix. I can't resist those! I mean, who can resist flavored sugar?? LOL! Well, I can't anyway! I also got some Butter Toffee Fiddle Faddle and two big word search books. From there my newest nephew and I headed back. I was also writing with Patty B the whole time. We were writing something based off magic, but neither of us had the same idea and we couldn't get into it so we just dropped it and I started something new for us. I have no idea where it's going to go from here, but anything is possible. I just need to develop my character a little more and see where that takes me. Perhaps at that point I'll gain a direction.

I wasn't sure I would be able to eat dinner, but I did. It was tacos and the meat was actually seasoned! I am not a huge fan of corn tortillas, but it worked. Meat, lettuce, cheese and a hint of salsa. I didn't get any juice. That's usually what puts me over what I can hold in my stomach so I just decided I wouldn't do it. It worked out well. Then it was a matter of hanging on until group at 7:00pm. Usually it would have been socialization group, which means we usually watched movies. Wellness group we usually listen/watch music videos. Well, Wednesday when we were supposed to have music group, there was no laptop, so that became movie night. Okay, tonight was supposed to be music night. Well, the laptop was again, not available! LOL! So we ended up playing a game, kind of,. It was about getting to know each other. We were supposed to write a couple of things about ourselves that other people might not know. fold up the paper and put them in a basket. I wrote about three things. The first would have been hard to figure out if my smile hadn't given me away. It was that my first pet was a toy poodle named Jobo. Then the second one was that I was interested in ancient history and had even considered being an archaeologist. It took a little, but it was obvious it was me. Then the last one was a giveaway really. It was that my favorite miniseries was "Pride and Prejudice" starring Colin Firth. There is no one else here that would feel that way or that would have even seen it. THEN after that Jerry got his speaker and I said I would use my phone and we were able to play music. Only five of us were able to pick songs, but that was cool. I picked "A Pain I'm Used To" by Depeche Mode. I started thinking about why the song just clicked with me and I started thinking about the lyrics and suddenly I realized it fit things with my daughter, Cassi, after what happened yesterday. But it represents it, even from before. 

  "A Pain That I'm Used To"

I'm not sure
What I'm looking for anymore
I just know
That I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be
Instead of me
But the key
Is a question of control

Can you say
What you're trying to play anyway
I just pay
While you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find
Have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive
That is fuelled

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

There's a hole in your soul
Like an animal
With no conscience
Repentance unknown
Close your eyes
Pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds
That are sown

Can't conceal what I feel
What I know is real
No mistaking the faking
I care
With a prayer in the air
I will leave it there
On a note full of hope
Not despair

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

I mean, that just says it all. I am just so tired of dealing with her. I mean, she acts like a little bitch to me because I say that I hope she's going to go back to school... I have literally had it with her. Especially her being that way and then asking me to do something for her? I mean, it's something only I can do, but honestly, all I can think is why oh why didn't I give up my rights to the state when I had a chance? I just don't want anymore of her bullshit. Let her run off and sleep in a tent with her fiance. I don't care. Leave me out of it. They only want me around so they can ask me for things, but what it really comes down to is that once I give her the $28 I told her I'd give her, that's the end of it. I'll get her the Medi-Cal card because I'm the only one who can, but there is no way I am getting anything else for her or giving her anything else. Why should I? I'm not a bank and it's clear that I can't even suggest or ask or say anything to her, so that's it. I am done. Period. I honestly think I would be much better emotionally if she were just out of my life. She has no purpose in it except to use me because she sure as hell doesn't love me. I know the sheer intensity of the anger has a lot to do with being over tired, but I am still really angry and would be without being this exhausted. She doesn't care about me and really, I'm not sure I care about her either. Her fiance did a steller job of completely poisoning her. Yeah, I made mistakes,but he turned that into a hate.He wants her all to himself, he can have her. As I said, let them go live in a tent and have babies and all that and keep me the hell out of it. At least my son gives a crap and loves me. He doesn't use me and isn't an ass to me, and I made mistakes with him too. But whatever. She called me twice tonight I think. I rejected the calls each time. They didn't leave a voicemail and no text. If it's important they can leave a message or text me. Period. They don't need to hear my voice. She really has no idea just how much I don't want to deal with her anymore.

Anyway, Jerry figured out with my newest nephew how to make his hotspot unlimited! It's great because I am able to type this up on my own computer! It's so nice! Oh and I heard from my Aussie last night. It was such a sweet email. He told me I was adorable. He's never called me that before, which was very special and told me how when I share as much as I do with him it makes him feel closer to me and then he wrote Yours Always... What can I say? I will probably never meet him, but I do love him. Not that it would stop me from getting involved with someone. He doesn't expect me to not have anyone in my life. He wants me to so that I can have someone physically here with me. But he loves me and I love him. And it's so much more than romantic, passionate love. There is another dimension to it. Maybe it's because we were friends first and foremost. I can't wait for another email. However, I probably won't get one until Sunday at the earliest. I can't wait. His emails mean so much to me. They can bring a little sunshine into a whole sky of clouds, rain and lightning.

Anyway, I did go to Circle K for a treat. I got myself an X-Large drink - Orange Bang! I loved it as a kid and it still tastes great to me. Then I grabbed two baby bells. What can I say? I also talked with my care coordinator for a few minutes as I took my meds and ranted a little about my daughter. She thinks it's a good thing if I do set that boundary of not giving her anything else. I am sticking to it also. But my medication is working and with luck I will actually sleep tonight! I actually think I will because I can just feel my mind kind of slipping.... slipping into the storm....

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Cloudy, Windy and Lucky!

These last two days have been fantastic! I hardly know what to say! Yesterday I woke up and I was still a bit tired. I got more sleep than just 2-3 hours, but I still got under 6. So I was rather tired/sleepy when I wasn't doing something. I was glad to do my chore actually. After it though, Jerry and I hung out. We started talking about magic. Yes, magic. I had a lot of questions for him and wanted confirmation on a few things with him which I got. I can feel things rather than see things for the time being. But that's good. I am very young in the process. I don't expect anyone to understand this, but I had some very interesting visions and I needed to know what they meant. I got the answers. It was exhilarating! Afterwards he told me I was going to have a very lucky day. He wasn't kidding! I am drawn to the water and I have more than one reason to be drawn to the water now, so I went to the beach and walked in the surf. The skies were gray, the wind was blowing a bit, the waves were strong and I still took off my socks and sandals and walked in the water. I let it splash over my feet and sometimes when the waves surged it would go up to mid calf. I was wearing jeans so... but I knew I was going to get wet so it didn't really bother me that much. I was looking for shells, but with as strong as the waves were I couldn't find any and what I did find were broken pieces. I asked just to find one whole, intact shell. Guess what? I found one! It was literally the only one! I also took 42 pictures of the beach and mostly of the waves. I even got to feel the spray on my face a few times. I loved it! Then when I got back to my place I decided to go fill my bus pass for the month finally. On the way, I stopped at 7 Eleven because I had to break my $5 bill. I expected 3 $1 bills back. I got one and then a $2 bill!! Wow! I was so excited! There was no way I was trading that in for two bucks! Then went I went to leave, the other person working there handed me a triangular box and said, "Here have a free piece of pizza." Another WOW! So I decided to push my luck a little bit and since I didn't have the change to ride the bus to the transit center I thought I would explain to the bus driver and see what happened. Worst case scenario I broke my other $5 and waited for the next bus. Well, the bus driver told me not to worry about it! So I got a free drive to the transit center, then when I got to Customer Service there was no line! OMG! I was told later by my other nephew I should have bought a lottery ticket! LOL! I couldn't! I just don't gamble. It's like a waste of money to me. But I could not have asked for a more lucky or better day! The only irritating part of yesterday was that last night I couldn't get onto the computer because the new woman working here didn't have the password to get me on to it. Ugh! But that's okay. I got over it! I did sleep relatively early last night, but I woke up so groggy! Ah well. The last two nights caught up. Hopefully tonight I'll sleep well and wake up refreshed! That would be so nice!

Today has been pretty good for the most part. There was the hint of thunder and lightening however. As I said, I woke up still sleepy. That sucked, but I managed to start my day relatively easy. I did my chore, ate breakfast, went to my room and tried my best not to fall asleep! LOL! I started writing with my friend Patty B, checked in on Facebook and the like. Then I went to morning group where I pretty much wanted to fall asleep. If I hadn't been able to participate I might have! But I woke up a bit when I could add my input and share what I'd learned over time. Basically the lessons we're on in DBT was interpersonal relationships... Yeah... Maybe I'll learn something. Maybe not. I know how to manage relationships except with family. That's an issue. But right now I am learning. Other than that, I already know everything they're talking about. So I shared my own personal experiences. Of course, after that, and when I went back to my room I started getting tired again, so I decided to go to the Farmers Market. Thought I could anyway. I hopped the bus and it turns out that it moves from one location to another. Yeah... when it moves it doesn't open until 5:00pm. Yeah, it was barely 2:00pm I think. So yeah, that wasn't happening. Of course, on my way there my daughter contacts me about her having a job. Great, I said. But I told I hoped she was still going to go to school. She freakin gives me attitude! Excuse me?? That got me worked up. Eventually I told her that she needed to focus on herself other than everyone else because she was asking me when I was going to get a job, which I knew she meant it in a "Bitch" fashion. I almost told her none of her business, but I told her I was waiting on my training class because I could get a job. Then she starts talking about Jordan her brother and is he working yet or still being a loser or however she put it. That's when I told her to focus on herself. Then she comes at me about staying out of her business. I was ready to say something else to her, but I chose not to reply. I still want to. I won't tell her I'm her mother because that will set all kinds of other things off. But she hasn't been going to school and I keep getting calls twice a day from her school notifying me she's absent and each time it's during a group. But then she asks me when I'm getting her her Medi-Cal card. I swear, I want to smack her or at the very least disown her and let her figure this crap out on her own. I am tired of her attitude and then turning around and expecting me to do for her. I suppose I am the one that has to get the card for her, but I honestly don't want to do a thing for that child. After what she did to me in January - her and her fiancé - I don't owe her squat. What I should have done was give her up to the state. I really just don't need the crap she gives me. It ends up derailing my recovery from my mental health issues like the PTSD, which I had added to because of January. When she's 18 that's it. She better not ask me for a thing and if she doesn't like it, I hope she has a nice life. If she wants to change and wants me in her life at some point then maybe things will change, but as I see them right now, I don't see us having much of a future as family. I know that's so sad, but... it is how it is. So that's the threat of thunder and lightening. I am still rather upset when I think about it. She pushes my buttons like no one else can.

I did, however, put it out of my mind and on my way back to the transit center I stopped at the t-shirt mart to see if they had any light blue t-shirts in my size. Jerry told me I would need one once I started working as a volunteer at the Humane Society. They had one so I grabbed it. It wasn't exactly the color I wanted, but it was close enough! Plus it was under $6! Then I decided I was going to walk down this one street and look to see what shops or places were there. I found a coffee house called Maui Wow. They, of course, specialize in Hawaiian coffee. I couldn't resist. I went inside and ordered an iced coffee. They had macadamia nut flavored syrup!! I got three shots of it in a large, purple, plastic Tiki cup with a pink lid! My two favorite colors! It was really good! The bad thing was that my reception sucked for my cell phone and I didn't think to turn my wifi on. Duh! So I got kicked off aim. Not good when I was writing with Patty B. But as soon as I left, after drinking most of my coffee, it came right back. Then I continued walking to the transit. Once I got to my stop, I got a soda at the Circle K and headed back to the house. After I got settled, my other nephew was there. He finished two chapters of my book and asked if it was romantic, I told him yes. Then I realized from our previous conversation that he was rather innocent and I told him it was probably better that he didn't read any more of it anyway! LOL! The scenes in there are rather explicit. LOL! Yeah... He asked me a lot of questions and I answered them the best I could without being two graphic, but he wasn't interested in reading more of it anyway because of the romance. But then we started talking about stories and how he didn't think they needed romance. I mean, I suppose they don't, but I think it adds so much more to a character or story. It can turn a one dimensional character into a real full-blow character. When I wrote for Star Trek PBeM role play groups I was the one the guys went to to  complicate their character's lives to make them multi-dimensional for the most part. I was kind of the Complication Queen! LOL! It was fun! I miss the role play groups. We had such a great group of writers.

After that we started talking about the tarot. He didn't know what Tarot cards were so I explained that to him and that I had a deck that got left in Mexico with just about everything else of mine. I have ordered another deck from Amazon. Same deck. But it won't have  my energy in it. It will take time for it to soak it in. Not that I won't be accurate with my readings, but they work better the longer you have them. Plus, no one else should handle your deck except you, because it can muddle the energies. I was explaining how you chose a deck by which one you're drawn to. A lot of it is about the artwork/design. It will represent you as a person. I was really good at the tarot. I have no doubt I still am. I have that ability within me. You have to have the ability too. I used a three card spread mostly. Past, Present, Future. Now the thing is, I fully believe the future is fluid. Just because I read you what I see for the future doesn't mean it's going to happen that way. That's just the outcome of the path the person is on at that given time. But because I have told them, they can change it. However, I know how accurate I am, not because of future divination, but the fact I always nailed the past and the present of the situation. If you can't do that, how are you going to read the future? And my accuracy was up there. But it was fun to talk with my newest nephew. We talked about the different cards in the deck and what they represent. Like the death card rarely represents death. It's often portrayed in the moves and TV that it does, but what it really represents is a change. Something in your life is going to end and you're going to get a new beginning. That's it. The worst card in the deck is the tower. It represent destruction. Basically things turning to crap. I do not like that card, but if it comes up, it's good to pay attention to it. It came up when I was reading the course my marriage was taking. I got that card as the final outcome card. Now before you think that's why I divorced him, it's not. I hung on for another 7 years. I just finally got tired of his crap, his abuse... I was done. And by the time I was done I hated his guts. I would definitely say the tower was rather accurate.

Anyway, after that I had to go take my 5:00pm medication and I was kinda late on it. they actually had to come and remind me. What floored me was that I got mail! I was expecting maybe a couple of the packages I ordered through Amazon. OMG! I got a box and about seven envelopes! I got almost everything all at once! LOL! That was a shock and I was actually a bit embarrassed, believe it or not. But I was happy to have them. I immediately went to my room and opened them all. Oh man, my 007 movies came in - James Bond (Daniel Craig) Collection! Yes! Pride and Prejudice Miniseries with Colin Firth - YES! Gotch! Yes! So happy, happy!

Then it was dinner, then evening group - House Beautification! Ick! But I actually got a chore I got really into. Most chores you can finish in an hour, but I was so into it that I was at it an hour! But I felt good having done it. I think I might even request it next week if I can. I have to say though, that as soon as I was done I was asking to get onto the computer! LOL! I couldn't wait to write my Aussie and write here. What can I say? I just had to share how the last two days have been. Especially the very lucky day I had!

So we'll see how the weather fairs tomorrow!