Thursday, April 30, 2015

Clear Skies

And life continues day by day. My days are pretty even, at least the last two. No major irritations. No problems. I've been in a good mood for the most part, even if tired. It's nice to feel this way! I don't know how long it will stay, but I am certainly going to enjoy the sun while it's out! My days Monday through Friday are pretty much the same:

7:30am - 7:50pm: Wake Up Make Bed
8:00am : Community Meeting
8:15am - 8:30am: Walk
8:45am - Breakfast
9:10am: Chore
10:00am : Medication
11:00am: Group (varies every day)
Noon: Lunch
1:00am - 6:00pm : Free Time
5:00 : Medication
6:00pm : Dinner
7:00pm : Group (varies every day)
8:00 : NOTHING!
10:00pm : Medication
Shortly there after sleep - usually and hopefully

Yesterday I saw the Ahole Pdoc, but surprise, surprise, he didn't try treating me like an idiot this time! He took time and treated me like an adult. It's about freaking time! LOL! So the session went well. He's taking me off the medication that was causing me to gain weight, which was NOT acceptable and I would have had to stop taking it with or without his consent. He's trying me on gabapentin. With luck, that'll help me sleep tonight, since I start it this evening. It's actually an anti seizure medication. But they also use it to treat peripheral neuropathy pain and even pain from shingles. But it also works for sleep, so we'll see! May I fall into a peaceful slumber tonight! But it was nice for him not to be a jerk. I did get a chance to explain what happened the one day I walked out. I thought he should know, just because. I like people to understand why I am the way I am. I explained I had been triggered over and over for a week and a half by the time I saw him and I was just about ready to lose it. It's as simple as that. I think he understood. Of course, not that I'm keeping him as my Pdoc. I just won't. One good session doesn't mean he and I are a good fit as far as doctor and patient. But I am glad it went well.

Last night I cooked dinner for the house. One of the people who were supposed to cook wasn't feeling well, so staff came and asked me. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I was so tired! Of course, today I've been tired too. But yesterday was bad. However, I thought, what the heck! SO I got out there. Turned out to be something easy. The girl that helped me, besides looking confused a lot of the time, took direction really well! It was good working for her. And it's so nice not to be afraid to cook for the house anymore. I used to be terrified. Now it's like, okay, what am I making? I mean, it's a set menu, of course, so there is no trying to guess and the items are relatively easy. Last night was Buffalo chicken wings - of course, it turned out to be southwestern chicken wings because that was the sauce they had. LOL! I had never friend chicken before so that was different, but it came out relatively well. Maybe one day I'll try frying actually chicken pieces. I didn't have to cook these ones entirely the way through because I had to bake them too. We served it with veggies that I put butter and garlic in, buttered rice (which had been left over from the dinner the night before and I figured why not use it) and then salad. We have salad every meal - or we're supposed to. Sometimes some people don't manage to get to it for some reason. I don't know how they can't though. You have two whole hours to cook! Anyway, it turned out good! I was so happy! Nothing is better than cooking a meal that people enjoy! I felt quite accomplished.

I'm not sure how I'm going to sleep tonight though. Tomorrow my son is coming to visit and I am so excited! I have missed him so much! I'm taking him out to lunch at the café a block away called The Beach Break Café. They serve the best burgers and their fries are always perfect! It's going to be good, but mostly to see him! He's going to show me his tarot deck, which I can't wait to see. The kids and I have always been into the occult and I have always been good at reading the tarot. I haven't done it in awhile, but also, I don't believe the future is fixed. Just because I read the cards and tell you what I see, it doesn't mean it's actually going to happen. As soon as I tell you, you might take actions to change it and, thus, cause a different future. The future is simply fluid. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I know it would be considered witchcraft, but I have a gift and there is no way in the world I believe it's dark magic. I just don't. Period. But the most important thing is I get to see him! And I get to introduce him to my nephew Jerry! Jordan already thinks of him as a cousin and they haven't even met! I just hope I sleep tonight with all the excitement I feel! I always get excited for the 1st anyway, because it's when I get money, but having Jordan come up is just the icing on the cake!

Anyway, tonight's group was House Beautification, which is my least liked group. Of course, I don't think anyone here likes having a group solely for doing chores! LOL! But mine was relatively easy. I got the living room bathroom. Had not just do the regular cleaning, but to really clean around the toilet, wipe down the walls, door knob, handles... I had to check the couch cushions for trash. There wasn't anyway that I could tell. I was done in less than 30 minutes. Then I wrote an email to my Aussie! He wrote me yesterday. He wrote me a short little note and then added onto a story we're writing together. I can't wait to think of what to add to it! ;-) But I always smile when I see I have an email from him.

Okay, all in all, clear skies... the sun it out... and for this moment in time, I'm happy!

Limbo Rock - Chubby Checker

I loved this song when I was listening to this old 50's/60's station - KBest95

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Storm Clouds

Well, things have been relatively okay without too much upheaval and upset. There have only been a couple of irritations. Over the weekend, my daughter was due to come up here on Saturday; not so much to see me, but to come get the rings she's ordered off of and a note stating that I was giving permission for her fiancé to get her medical help. I really didn't want to see her. It was giving me a lot of anxiety actually. I think, in my head, I knew she was bringing her fiancé with her. I mean, no one wants to make a three hour journey alone if they don't have to, right?

Anyway, by 4:30pm, I figure she wasn't coming. I mean, it being Saturday. The buses run different and not as late. It was raining on top of it. But she called me when she got here. I heard in the background how her fiancé had just lost his wallet on the bus, so I knew he was there. As it turned out, she just wanted to grab the stuff and run because of all the fore-mentioned items. So she asked me if I would come to the door and give her the stuff because she didn't want to have to come in, sign in, get the visit pass and yada, yada, yada.... Well, I'm not allowed to open the front door. Only staff and it's for our protection basically, like from people that we don't want to have contact with who can set up back in our mental health recovery. So I told her the only thing I could do was to give it to staff and they could take it to her. So that's what happened. I didn't have to see her. I certainly didn't have to see him, which I wasn't anyway. I didn't sign a release for him to come in. But after they left, I just didn't know how to feel about it. I mean, she's my daughter. She came all the way up here, shouldn't we have at least seen each other? It was just odd. But things went on. The next day around the time she showed up the day before, or just before, I suddenly got really emotional. Things that would never normally bother me was causing me to feel like crying and I HATE to feel like I'm going to cry. My automatic response to crying is to try to stop it, even if it gives me a massive headache. I can't stand feeling vulnerable or out of control, though inside I still feel out of control like a storm. Though I suppose it was a low level one. It was really uncomfortable, but in my usual form, I just dealt with it. It's what I do. I did talk to someone on staff briefly. But I think it still left me sensitive because I still feel irritable a little bit. Well, actually, it seems like it's only happening in the evening.

Yesterday it was my turn to cook for the house. I'm actually not afraid to cook for the house anymore which is really cool because it used to scare me to death! I mean, who wants to screw up dinner for 10-14 people? My partner I knew wasn't going to be a lot of help actually cooking so I asked him to make the salad and set the table. There were still a couple of things he forgot to put out, but no biggie. I made Bacon Mac and Cheese from SCRATCH! I felt so accomplished afterwards when everyone liked it! The recipe didn't call for it, but I sautéed onions and put them in there along with garlic powder. I didn't put enough garlic in though because I couldn't taste it. But it really came out good and I know what to do next time to make it better, if and when I get assigned to that particular meal again. But the thing that irritated me is that EVERYONE is supposed to sit their ass at the table to eat. That means you DO NOT go into the kitchen and fix yourself a plate before everyone else! This girl has been here long enough to know this, so when I saw her just fix a bowl I was really irritated. Knowing I might not handle it well, considering my level of irritation (which is not like me to have) I went to staff to talk with her. I don't know how much good it did, but whatever. Dinner came out good. That's the important thing. The challenging thing during that was I got two calls from my daughter. One she was telling me how she had nothing to eat and her and her fiancé have no money until Saturday when they can cash his check from work and did I think her Aunt Diana would help her? I told her I would see what I could do, but there was no way I was calling my sister. The only person I did call was my best friend, but I made it clear I was only asking because I felt obligated. She also reminded me that she's had a place to stay and have food and instead she wanted to leave to be with her love. Well, look where that got you, sweetheart! I did ask staff and was giving a couple of suggestions. When she called backed I gave her the information. That no one was willing to help her. She had burnt too many bridges. So then she tries her manipulation tact that she's used before. "Well, while other people have a bed to sleep in and food to eat -" I cut her off. I didn't want to hear it and I literally put my foot down with her. I told her that, like my best friend had said, that she had been somewhere where she'd had a roof over her head. That she'd had food to leave and she CHOSE to leave! She got angry with me and asked if that's all I could stay to her right then. I thought about it and said yes. I was going to say something else, but she hung up on me. It was probably a good thing. I was upset, but the accomplishment of dinner definitely helped me get over it. On top of that, she made her bed, she has to lie in it. No one wants to help her because of how she's acted and treated them and me. It's as simple as that. So good luck to her in that department.

Then today... My day was actually going very well. I got up, went to community meeting, went for the walk around the block, came back, checked Facebook, did my chore, went to the first group of the day, had lunch.... Then 3:00pm I had my first full session with my trauma therapist. I thought it went well. I didn't think I was getting too emotional or anything. I mean, I felt something, but nothing I felt I couldn't handle. I did get a headache about halfway through. Should have realized that was a red flag. After the session as soon as we parted ways - it hit me. I suddenly felt drained. I felt emotional. I felt like I wanted to cry and I HATE to cry! When I went to take my 5:00pm pill I talked with the staff - which happened to be my care coordinator - about how I was feeling. Having gone through trauma therapy as well, she told me that in the beginning this is very normal and to do a lot of self care - drink water, have a healthy snack, rest, using coping skills, of course... At least I know it's normal. I did also tell her, so there are no miscommunications like I believe I had with my previous care coordinator, that I do not reach out easily for emotional support. I just don't. I have been there only one there for me my whole life. When I have needed to get help I had to do it for myself. If I was suicidal, I had to go get myself help. Of course, as far as my friends go, I only have one friend that can read my voice and knows if something off. Because everyone else doesn't notice a thing. Not that they're unobservant. I'm just that controlled. People don't get to see the emotions under the surface. The only one they might see is depression because I have never been able to really hide that. But anger, fear, irritation.... I had a bipolar episode that lasted for 6 months and no one noticed. I dealt with it that well or rather, I controlled the outside of myself that well. Of course, I had no idea I was in a bipolar episode at the time, or that what I was going through was psychiatric, but still, the point is, no one was able to tell.  So I told her that if I ever say I need to talk, it's because I REALLY need to talk. It takes a lot to get me to come to someone. I have to be practically in crisis.

Anyway, the irritation of the evening... My "nephew" Jerry was cooking dinner. My neighbor was supposed to help him. Her job was simple really. Set the table... You have two hours to get things done and get the table set. It's from 4:00pm to 6:00pm when dinner is supposed to start. It was literally a couple of minutes to 6:00pm and the table was barely set. Needless to say, I got irritated. It's not a big job. It doesn't take long and it's not rocket science. And she was on the phone almost constantly. You know, I cooked dinner one night and set the table all by myself. I was on the phone texting the whole time and I still got everything done and before the deadline. There is no reason she couldn't have done it. So it really irritated me. I decided I was just going to set the table since she obviously wasn't going to, so I went into the kitchen and started grabbing glasses and mugs. Suddenly she's there going, "I'll do that." And I wasn't trying to be rude or hurt her feelings, but I did say to her that it was 6:00pm and that it really should have already been done. I do think she took offense. I know she's sensitive and who likes to be corrected, right? But this is something you have to know! And I wasn't trying to be rude about it. Anyway, she hasn't said anything to me. She's not likely too, but I'm pretty sure I upset her. I hate that I did though. But I was definitely irritated. I think I would have been less irritated had I not felt so drained and emotional after having that session.

On the nice side, I went to group tonight. It's called Recovery International and we learn ways to cope with angry or fearful temper. No one wanted to use and example and I usually don't have anything to use and I certainly wasn't going to use anything that happened in the house. I just won't. So I used the call with my daughter. I wasn't sure I should, but it worked out and it felt good to talk about it. I got told how well I had handled it, because Ed, the group leader, had come in on the tail end of the call, so he got to see it for himself. But it was nice to get validated.

Anyway, the majority of the winds and rains have stopped inside. The sky isn't clear. The clouds are still there making up their mind to stay or leave, but at least the storm has calmed. Now I'm waiting for my Aussie to write, if he can and if he does that will make my night - or my morning! So right now, I just wait and see if the sun comes out tomorrow.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Hazy Skies

Life hasn't been bad these last few days. I was able to accomplish a few things and without any major upheavals in my life. The most that happened were mild irritations, but don't we all have them every day? It's just life.

I had a 24 hour heart monitor put on me the day before yesterday to monitor my heart during a normal day. I am just worried because my heart rate will drop into the 40's when I'm resting. That's pretty low, especially if you consider the fact that my resting rate used to be in the 60's. The thing is, almost every test I have ever taken for just about anything comes back normal. I mean, like 97% or higher of normal. Don't get me wrong! That's a good thing, but it's frustrating when things can't be explained, like the heart rate. I also get light headed and dizzy, my balance gets way off and I sometimes have heart palpitations that are not related to anxiety. I just like answers. It's how I am. I want to know why!
Anyway, I thought the thing was going to be big and bulky, but it wasn't. In fact, most of the time I forgot it was there, except for when I went to bed. It didn't bother me too much, but the tossing and turning made me feel it. I toss and turn a lot at night. I sleep like crap. I'm also prone to nightmares and troubling dreams. I like when I don't remember them. And according to research, so I was told by a very intelligent counselor, that if you don't remember your dreams it's because you completed your sleep cycle and should be well rested. If you wake up, know you dreamed, but can't remember your dreams then you woke up at the tail end of your dream cycle and still should be rather rested. But if you wake up and remember your dream it means that you woke up during your sleep cycle in REM and you'll probably be fatigued all day. I usually remember snippets of dreams and even if I don't I still seem tired. But I don't remember the last time I woke up and didn't remember anything. Even last night I had an anxiety dream. At least it's not what I consider a nightmare.
Yesterday I went to get the heart monitor taken off. I was supposed to be there by 3:00 pm, but I got so distracted doing about three things at once - writing with my friend in the Netherlands, chatting with another friend and going through some things on Facebook that I lost track of the time! I ended up leaving 30 minutes to and I had to take public transit. It's about a 45 minute trip. Needless to say I had to call and let them know I was going to be late. They told me it was fine, thank goodness, as long as I got there by 4:30 pm. I got there at 3:30 pm. I was glad to get that off. I will find out in a week and a half what the results are. I would have found out on Monday, but I couldn't make the appointment at the time they had. No way. So I it has to be the following Monday.
The only real frustrations I had were last night I wanted into the computer lab and the counselor was like "It's 15 minutes before I have to leave." Okay, that's still 15 minutes, but she was also trying to push me to take my night meds early. I'm sorry, but unless I am so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open I like to be the last one to take it, because after I take it, I go to sleep - at least briefly. But I could have started this and finished it up on my phone. Though I don't like to write emails on blogs on my phone if I can help it. It's just slower since I type pretty fast. And she had been trying to get me to take my meds for an hour before then. She asked me twice and I told her that I don't take my meds until late. Anyway, I waited until I didn't have choice but to go take it and I told her once again that I do not like to take my medication early. I never do. She told me that it was good to know, but I thought I had made that clear earlier? But she's a nice girl. I just hope she remembers for next time. We'll see. But the best part of yesterday was getting an email from my Aussie!
I wish I had something interesting to write or something creative to share, but I don't. I have written some dark poems over my time here, but haven't shared any of them. Perhaps I will. It's a dark glimpse into my soul and it's definitely not a pleasant place to be sometimes. It'll be the worst part of the storm that you can see without being in my head.
But today was just a day like any other. But I do have goals that I am going to try to pursue starting on May 1, 2015. I am going to look into Tai Chi classes. There is a particular place that I want to check out. Not only do they teach it for the peace and meditation of it, but they also teach the self defense moves of it too. That definitely intrigues me. It will also help  me with my balance and help me to meditate and calm my mind. In other words, quiet the storm. I also am going to see if the nearby firing range allows you to rent weapons for the range and gives safety classes. I want the experience of firing a weapon. If nothing else, it will make it easier for my writing. Experience can be everything. It's always better to write from experience. And who knows! Maybe in five years I'll invest in a weapon - depending on where I'm living and with whom, if anyone. I might even look into archery, but that's lower on my list. Also on the 1st I plan to fill out the volunteer form for the local Humane Society. I want to work with the cats, of course, and from what I heard they need cat people. Me me!! Chose me!! The last things on my list are to find a support group for PTSD, though because mine is Complex PTSD I wonder how much I'll fit in, but I won't know until I try. Then I want to find some creative art classes that I can take. I have an idea where to look, it's just a matter of scheduling. I also have to be careful not to burn myself out. But I really want to do these things and I have put off things I have wanted to do for far too long. In fact, I am considering also getting a tattoo FINALLY! I have put it off forever for one reason or another - usually money. But this coming month I can probably swing it. Just another thing for the list. LOL! I could put it off until the following month, but I don't know if I want to. I don't want to keep putting it off anymore.
Well, tomorrow will be another day. However, it might just be like all the others. On Saturday we'll have to see if the storm clouds come out. My daughter is coming to visit. Last time was all right, but this time she mentioned her fiancé. I do not want to see him. I didn't say no directly like I probably should have done, but I told her that what I needed to write out for him to use she could give to him. I do not want to see him. I do not want the phony apologies or the manipulation. Dealing with my daughter is enough. I love her, but I have come to the end. But that is the future and this is the now. I can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. Well, at least not until tomorrow! All I can do tonight is sit back, relax, write an email to my Aussie and see how he is before the weekend - since it's his Friday today. Maybe I'll do some writing. There's something special I want to write to share with my Aussie, so I'll think about it and maybe I'll act on it.
That's it and life goes on...

Monday, April 20, 2015

The Calm

Today was mostly clear skies. No dark clouds on the horizon which is a good thing. It wasn't too exciting though, but that's all right. It's like this Chinese saying I heard years ago and have heard it's actually a curse goes - May You Live In Interesting Times. Interesting isn't always a good thing, but maybe for the most part it is. However, today was not either way.

I even had less to do today than on a normal Monday through Friday week. We have group here at 11:00am. Well, today is WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) group. Once you do all the lessons you don't have to attend them. I'm not completely finished, but today was lesson 4 and I am clear up until lesson 7. That's the last one I need and then I have completed the course. It's too bad I couldn't have finished this a couple of weeks ago. I could have signed up for the Peer Support Training classes. They are only held once a year in this area, so I'm pretty sad about that. It means that my goal of becoming a Peer Support Specialist is on hold for awhile. But it is what it is, so it's not worth getting upset over. Anyway, it left me with an extra hour to myself. Of course, there isn't much to do here so I spent the time in my room on my phone and on the internet. I was listening to Depeche Mode - a given - and checking on different things. I was waiting for my friend from the Netherlands to come online so we could write together. However, her mother's birthday was today so she was a bit late. But it's great fun writing with her and right now our current story is pretty interesting. I based parts of it from a nightmare I had the night before Easter. It's nice when I can pull negative things and use them positively or creatively. I usually take them and find a way to put them in my writing somewhere. Maybe not the exact event, but elements of it. After all, once you experience something it's easier to write about. You can describe it because you know how it felt with all senses. Just like being attacked by two people. I didn't know what that was like until January. But now I have and instead of letting it destroy me, I use that in my writing because now I know what it's like to get hit in the face, or rather, on the side of the face and eye.

Outside of that, I got on Facebook messenger for the first time in what feels like months. I think it has been at least two months. However, I felt it was time and slowly I hope to work back into running my group on there again. I like to help people and not doing that has taken something away from my life, I think.

I did get an email from my Aussie. He's such a great friend and every time I hear from him, he makes me smile. There's something about having a friend you can tell anything to that means so much. I can share with him things in my head that I can't seem to share with anyone else. I feel comfortable so comfortable and trust him so much that I share the thoughts in the dark recesses of my mind that I let no one into. When the storms are raging inside I can turn to him and tell him everything and he doesn't turn me away. He doesn't judge me. He just loves and supports me the best he can from where he is. I can't even begin to explain how much that means to me. It's a rare and precious gift. And every time I get an email from him, I smile and it brightens my whole day, even if it's an email about life and nothing else. So that was a special treat this evening and has made my night.

Now, it's after dinner. We have two people leaving here where I live. They have "graduated" the program, so to say, so we had a goodbye group. It's called a marble ceremony. Essentially, the person picks out a marble (or shell, or rock) and it gets passed from person to person and they say something special to the person leaving and their hopes and wishes for their future. These ceremonies are really a wonderful thing. I went through one at the Crisis House I was in back in January and I won't forget a couple of the comments because they really meant a great deal to me. I still have that marble too. I keep it somewhere it can't get lost. Usually it's only one person leaving, but tonight there were actually two. It's not something that happens here very often either, so it was interesting and nice. I didn't know either of them very well though, but they are both talented and I hope the best for them in the future.

So now, here I am posting on my blog and listening to Depeche Mode. Perhaps it's not exactly quiet because of the music drifting in my ears, but my mind is calm which is a great thing. I may not know what tomorrow will bring, but I know for now, things are good. This moment is all there is and I'm all right.

The Two Videos I Have Been Listening To - Pain I'm used to - John the Relavator

If I could go see them in concert again I would jump at the chance. They are definitely my favorite band.

Wow! I finally Figured Out How To Do This - Sea of sin

Sunday, April 19, 2015

A Storm in a Bottle

Well, I started thinking about my life over the last month and realized that my life and been like a storm. Sometimes there are clear skies like any span of time, but I have weathered so many storms that I feel that so much of me has been battered against so many shores because of it. However, I can say I am still standing so that says something, right?
Though I wasn't going to turn this into a diary, it might very well end up that way. Sometimes a person just needs a record of their life to see where they have been and what they have accomplished - as in how far they have come from where they were. Not to say that I don't have more growing and learning to do, but I am a far cry from that highly emotional, reactive teenager. Hopefully most of us have grown out of it, though I know of at least one or two people that never went past Junior High level, but in general we all grow and mature.
The worst things I deal with these days are my triggers that set of the PTSD. When one is tripped life seems to be whipped up into a storm filled with lightning and high winds threatening to toss me into a deep sea and smash me against a rocky shore. Somehow I always seem to make it to the other side. I don't know how sometimes, but I make it to the clearing skies. This last Wednesday was a perfect example. I was triggered by staff here where I live; something that hit me deep and tossed me back to a part of my life that had almost destroyed me. All of those emotions came up and threatened to swallow me up. I tried every coping skill I knew and nothing helped. Imagine being in a big black ocean with storming seas tossing you around like a rag doll and there's no way to escape. You're helpless and there is no hope of it ever stopping. Pain gets overwhelming like that and literally, emotional pain is a killer. It makes you want to die just to make it stop. That's where I was all because of a trigger that brought me back to the past. All I could think was how everything was useless. That everything was going to stay the same. That I couldn't even help myself so how was I ever going to help other people? I was useless and had no worth. I wanted to take my life. Had I had access to Ativan I might have taken them. I can't say I wouldn't have. However, I was smart enough to know I was in trouble. I even considered going to the ER. The only thing that stopped me what that I was afraid of them taking my phone if I got admitted.
In the end the emotions calmed, like the petering out of a storm. I rode it out because it was all I could do. It took me hours to finally decide to talk to staff (since they had been the ones to trigger me), but when I went to do just that, I got brushed off. Now, I don't reach out easily. I did when I was younger, but as I've gotten older I find myself more reclusive and solitary. I don't let people in very often, mostly because when I have they hurt me, or that has been the experience. It's not something I have done consciously either. It just happened. So when I finally went to staff is was a very big thing for me. I have told staff a few times before also that I don't reach out easily and when I do there is always a reason, so getting brushed off was not a good thing. In the end, when she was finally ready to talk to me I didn't want to talk anymore. I wasn't doing it because she had not talked with me earlier. I just didn't feel like talking about it anymore. It was over. That was it. Normally I would have reached out to someone, whether my friend and writing partner in the Netherlands or one of my dearest friends in Australia who encourages me to share, vent and whatever else I need with him. But I didn't do either until the following day. In fact, I didn't until well into the afternoon. My friend from the Netherlands was first. Then one of my friends here at the place I live. In fact, he calls me Aunty and so he's my nephew. :-) Then, that evening I finally wrote my Aussie. The best thing about him is that I literally can tell him anything and he won't judge me and just gives me unconditional love and support the best he can.
The next day was much better. Clear skies came. I woke up and had a return email from my Aussie, which made my day right there. I had also woken up feeling good! I had needed that badly. I was able to focus and not only did I write with my friend from the Netherlands on our story, I was able to work on my own, which I had been stuck on for a few days. My writing, as much as I love it, seems to come in spurts, but at least it's coming once again. I went through a terrible dry spell for awhile that added to my darkened skies. I was feeling so good that I was able to handle dinner for the whole house by myself! Usually it's a two person job, but from who they had me teamed up with, I knew I wasn't going to get any real help. On top of that, they didn't want to help and I didn't care. It was chicken fajitas anyway - simple dinner. Just a lot of prep work. But I got it all done and even had the table set and everything set up in time. They allot 2 hours to complete dinner and I got it all done on my own over 15 minutes before time was up. I was so proud of myself. Cooking for 14 people is very daunting! It was very gratifying to see almost everyone go back for seconds. So my day ended well also.

These last two days haven't been as good, but haven't been bad either. I did finally talk to someone on staff about what happened. She in turn told my care coordinator who had caused the trigger. We'll see what that means in the future. The woman I told is probably the only one of staff I trust and she has experience with trauma and she is able to really help.

But for now, the storm is quiet. The seas are calm. The sky, maybe, isn't complete blue, but it's a far cry from lightning strikes! Now we'll see what tomorrow brings!

Saturday, April 11, 2015

The Morning's a Beach

I went to the beach this morning after being here for two months. The sad thing is it's just a block away! But I have to be in the right mood or have a reason to leave my place. I'm strange. I know, but it's how I've been for a very long time.Otherwise, I'm perfectly content to stay in my own little world. Even if it's not pleasant sometimes. Though for the last few days my mind hasn't been too bad of a place. 

I did, however, give myself a purpose to go to the beach. I wanted to take photos. I've really enjoyed taking photos and especially of nature. The beach has always been a favorite place to take them. I haven't been to the beach much over the years, though I hope to spend a lot more time there now that I live so close. It was definitely a good morning. 

Monday, April 6, 2015

Not So Happy Easter

My Easter started by waking up from a nightmare. Usually the feelings brought on by a nightmare dissipates after I'm awake for awhile. Not this time. I woke up feeling depressed and feeling hopeless. 

Basically I was being held by the Cartel in Mexico. I was raped three times and they were trying to force me to marry this one man. I believe he was the son of the head honcho. I guess because I wouldn't they were going to take me out and kill me. This guy was driving me to the place in a convertible. He pulled over. I think I had talked him into it. Somehow I got his revolver and took off. I wound up at this hotel, but I knew they were trying to find me. Then I ran into this woman and her daughter and knew they were going to kill her if they found her. So I tried to help her. I can't remember if they caught her, but they caught me. I remember being held by my arms and being brought before the head honcho and they were going to kill me. It was like no matter what I did it didn't matter. I was still going to die. 

And so I felt depressed and hopeless. I know some of it was triggered by my daughter and her fiance. After what happened in January not only has she been trying to push/bully me into saying yes to something not in her best interests. She also gave her fiance my phone number to do the same. They have been pushing since last week. On Saturday I told them both I wasn't going to make a decision until Monday after I was able to make some calls, so what do they do on Easter? They call me to try to push again. Ugh! That just made everything worse. They expect me to be okay with the possibility I could get into trouble by telling me how smart they are and how it won't happen. Famous last words. I have talked to a few friends and counselors about it and they all say the same thing - Don't do it. I'm still calling legal aid to find out how much trouble I could get into, just to have that knowledge. But I'm worried that once I give them my answer the real pushing and bullying will start. They claim they have changed so much, but they haven't. Not one bit. I hate to say it. She's my daughter, I love her, but I can't wait until she's 18.

But basically my whole Easter was shot. At least we had a nice ham dinner. I guess that's something.