Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Storm Clouds

It's been awhile. Every time I thought to write on here, I just couldn't seem to get to it. Something always came up, or I just didn't know where to start. So I'm not really going to do  much of an update, just because it would be too much, and some of it, I just don't remember. I can honestly say that the holidays this year were actually pretty nice. Ed came to spend Thanksgiving with me. We went to lunch at Jack in the Box. I was hungry! I ended up eating all of my chicken nuggets and onion rings! That's a rarity! Then we went back to my place and the proprietors invited him to stay for a nice Thanksgiving meal! I don't think he's had one of those for a long time. I didn't even think we'd have on at first, so that was a really nice thing! Then for Christmas, we got together again. I mean, gifts don't matter. What mattered was that we got to spend time together! 

New Years was wild! LOL! I bought a huge bottle of tequila and the guys and I here all were taking shots. Of course, Juan and I took the most. We were doing shots for 5 1/2 hours! Grant you, not like one after another, but through that time. It was so much fun! Of course, the next morning, my stomach was pretty ripped, but that was it. I don't get hangovers. I never have. I can't remember how Juan was. I did go out and buy some tums. They only helped a little, but it was okay. Within a couple of days I was completely back to normal. 

Ed and I have been able to get together a couple of times since then, but finances have been tight, so it's hard for him to make the trip to see me. However, emails work for now. And I am still emailing my Aussie. I mean, he's one of my best friends and will forever own a piece of my heart too. He has always been there. He worries about me. He listens to me and knows more about what goes on in my head than anyone in the universe, I think.

Another neat thing, is Steve and I started writing on a story about two of our role-playing group characters Katianna and Paul. It was something I had always wanted to do with our characters, but since the rpg fizzled, we were never able to do it. I mean, Jovo and I never even got a chance to finish it the Katianna and Kalimar storyline. That would have been interesting! Anyway, Steve and I haven't written much on it yet, and it hasn't even gotten to the interesting parts, but we're making progress towards it, which is nice. 

I've also been working on my own stories, In fact, last month, at the beginning of the month, I was only on page 12 of this story "Angel" I was writing. But then, I got some concentration with a little help in that area and I was able to actually finish it! I wrote over one hundred pages! It was absolutely amazing! That's never happened before! Grant you, a lot of it, I had written out by hand - which I also did last month. It just all worked out beautifully. The story was a good one too. It was one that had been kicking around in my head in one form or another since I was a teenager. I was just glad it fell into place so well! I am working on another story that I have a bunch of notes for, but they aren't detailed like the ones I had written for "Angel." They're more like outlines, so it's taking a little more brain power when I'm writing it. Plus, my concentration hasn't been the best this month. I'm hoping that will change, but it's one of those touch and go things. At least I pretty much have the story written out with the notes. I just have to actually write the notes out and put them into something other than sketchy notes. But it'll be the first one I finish in my assassin series. 

Jordan has been wonderful to me. He comes and sees me on a regular basis. Even today, we met up at Grossmont center. He bought me lunch at Panda Express. I had walnut shrimp and orange chicken. I was eating it all day, because I just can't eat a lot all at once still. I did buy my drink and I couldn't resist getting some cream cheese wontons. Then after that, we went to Walmart. Jordan actually helped me pay for a few of the things I needed and wanted to get. After that, he helped me take it home, stopping at Vons to get me a creamer. I have to say I was pretty wiped out from all the walking. I just wasn't feeling so great. Since yesterday, I have been very emotional. I hate it, because I feel like I want to cry. And anyone who knows me knows I hate to cry! It's something I've hated since I was a kid. I guess it has to do with feeling vulnerable, and that's something I do not like. So it's been struggle. I hate it! I was hoping that maybe today I'd feel better and that I would be back to myself, but I wasn't. I was fighting tears all day. Even being with Jordan didn't alleviate it. While with him I wanted to cry too! Go figure.

Then Cassi also called me today. Apparently, she's sick. She's living in Tahoe, kind of. I mean, her, her boyfriend and a friend are together. Right now, they are living in their van, though they have jobs, but don't have enough to get a place yet, I guess. She says she might have strep throat. I told her to go to the ER. That they had to see her and that they would help her get her medication. She says they won't, but they would, I think. They've done it for me before. So she told me she would. Funny enough, she sounded okay when she called me later. In fact, her boyfriend butt dialed me. Then she called me back and apologized for that and that I probably heard their conversation, which wasn't much of anything. Just talking about what they wanted to eat for dinner. But then, a short time later, her boyfriend called, and the first thing he says is, “You've treated Cassi like shit all her life -” and that's as far as he got with me. I went off. I told him if that's what was going on, that I wasn't going to talk to him. That the conversation was pretty much done and I hung up, though, I heard him saying – no wait, that's not what I mean. But I didn't care. All I could feel was the shit that Ajay, Cassi's ex-finance put me through. I mean, really. So I texted them. I told them that I made my mistakes, but I thought Cassi and I were past that. That I was now having flashbacks to her ex-fiance and was crying. And that if that's how they felt, they didn't need to contact me again. Well, they tried to text me. It was like, “I just meant that despite all of that, you raised a beautiful girl.” Whatever. How is that supposed to make that any better? Anyway, they also tried to call and I didn't answer. They texted a few more times, but I haven't even looked at them. My phone shows me a portion of the text when it comes in and the last one said that Cassi loves me very much. Yeah, maybe, but I was in tears. The emotional flashbacks are the worst. I mean, you just can't escape them! In fact, the ONLY time I ever tried to take my own life was when we lived in Mexico: Cassi, her ex-fiance, and myself. He was verbally and emotionally abusing me and poisoning her, that I just felt trapped and there was no escape, plus the pain was so intense. I had 2mg ativan pills. I didn't want to swallow the whole bottle, because I was afraid I would throw them up. So instead, I was taking a lot of milligrams at a time. I can't remember how much, but I spaced them out. I spaced them out too far. They made me dopey and I eventually went to sleep, but that was it. I suppose that was a good thing. But the damage it's left in me, I'm not sure I'll ever recover from. We'll see. I just haven't gotten far enough in my therapy, I guess. Hopefully, things will eventually get less intense. But I'm not sure if I'm even going to be able to talk to her tomorrow either. This has really hurt and upset me. I'm sure Jordan was disturbed. The kids rarely ever saw me cry, because I hate to do that. I just don't like to. As I said, I don't like to feel vulnerable. It's one of the reasons I have a hard time sleeping. If you're asleep, you're vulnerable. That's why I usually have to take something to make me sleep. It sucks, but that's how it's been for a very, very long time. I just don't know how I'll feel in the morning, or even in the afternoon. I guess we'll see.

Anyway, I need to see if I can get my head on straight enough to maybe write a little more about the White Panther and her story. It would be nice to get a few more pages. Of course, I'd settle for one or two. We'll see. At least, I have some good things going on. Let's hope the stormy skies will give way to clear skies and maybe a rainbow if I'm lucky. I guess we'll see!