Wall of Storms

Over one month since my last blog entry... well, things have not been going well, but because of the way my PTSD works I can't remember a whole lot of it. But I have been severely triggered. It has impaired my ability to function and has practically ruined me. I have wanted to take my own life at least once, and I created a plan... I also went out and bought what I needed to do it. If it weren't for the love of caring friends and people I would have tried. I even posted a status on Facebook that basically said that I was done... I was simply done. It was probably the best thing I could have done... I had friends contact me. I had a sweet woman on my friends list that contacted me and talked with me. I came back to the facility and without going into too many of my thoughts I shared kind of How I was feeling with two of the residents and one of them eventually went in and asked my friend Ed, the Peer Support Specialist here, to come out and talk to me. It helped me so much! Then I had a friend call that I have missed talking with for so long... It made me realize just how many people I know who care about me. It's hard to see when you're in the thick of it....

There were two separate things that set me off. One was being told that I wasn't participating properly in groups – that I wasn't filling out papers that were handed out. Huh? That pissed me off since no one else goes through this. No one else has been called in and accused of this to my knowledge. Again, this double standard. There were a couple of other things too, which, at the moment, I can't remember, but one of my huge triggers is being accused of not doing something I am or vice versa. So I was set off. A combo of that and whatever else they accused me off upset me. I might have gotten suicidal briefly. It's hard for me to remember after what followed. Either way, I slipped into a depression.

As if that's not bad enough, the girl that had been slamming the doors – my bedroom neighbor? I'll refer to her as KB now. Anyway, KB started having symptoms again – you have to understand that after the last incident her and I actually started getting along even better than before. But I could tell she was going back into symptoms. I knew... then she accused me of being a child molester. Not to my face, but to Ed. I could hear her. That I just let go because it was her symptoms and honestly really had nothing to do with me. It's whatever is going on in her head, and that's not something that triggers me. However, a couple of Fridays ago, after not having slept the night before – I was up all night with my friend Nick listening to music and smoking – I was out in the living room for community meeting early. I was sitting there playing with my phone when KB entered the room. Well, you know how it is. Someone walks into the room and you look to see who it is. Anyway, I look at her and then with complete malice in her voice that hinted of the possibility of violence, she yells at me, “DON”T LOOK AT ME, BITCH!” I was too stunned for words. I either turned my head then looked back at her, or stayed looking at her. I don't remember. But she yelled at me again! “I SAID DON'T LOOK AT ME, BITCH!” Of course, no one in the staff office heard it. But I was completely shook up. I just turned my attention back to my phone. I actually forced a couple of laughs, just because I didn't want her to know just how shaken I was.

Then as community meeting starts she goes off on getting background checks on the people in here – the residents – which was directed at me because of her delusion. My thought was, bring it on, baby! I've had a background check before, for when I was doing a work experience at Kaiser HR. Not that they would do it, but that was my thought. Go ahead! But anyway, after that, I still went on the walk. It was okay because I lingered toward the back, while KB was the first one out the door in a huff. But once we were back I went to the smoker's patio and I was literally shaking.... I mean, my whole body. I'm sure I was pale... I was too scared to go inside. I honestly felt that if she cornered me, and with just a little more stimuli, she would haul off and hit me. I was afraid to go to my room because she's in the room right next to mine... I literally had to call the staff office on my phone and tell them what happened. They had to escort me inside because I wouldn't go in. I was afraid to even be on the patio, but I felt at least there I could see her coming.

Anyway, I tell the staff what happened and what it triggered me back to – my brother trying to kill me and the attack in January... They convinced me to go to my room and lock the door. They literally had to escort me to my room too. They left me in there about an hour or so and then brought me back to the office. The first thing they did was ask me if it was okay if KB came in and apologized to me. I shrugged and said fine, but it wasn't going to change anything. So she did and she said she was sorry... which she has done before. I told her fine, but this is what it has brought up for me. I wanted her to understand that she had triggered me back to two serious events by her actions. It's not like it's going to matter. She'll go into symptoms and it'll happen again, and it seems with me it has just gotten more aggressive. It's not okay. So after she left I told the care coordinator, Jessica, that I still didn't feel safe that her apology meant nothing because she'll probably go into symptoms again. She won't get the right help, so... she's not a safe person to be around and that I still don't feel safe. She asked me what it would take for me to feel safe. First thing out of my mouth was her gone! Then I said the second was that her room get moved and her told to stay the hell away from me. Well, they told her to stay away from me... but you know what? They didn't do shit about moving her room. You know where that's left me? Sleeping out on the smoker's patio, when I do sleep... For the first week or in 170-something hours I had 18 hours of sleep. Do you think they cared? Nope. The attitude I got was, “Deal with it.” Yep! They weren't going to do shit to make me feel safe. I will NEVER recommend this place to anyone. I might even write a review. Or I might go to the higher-ups. Then as if that's not bad enough, they hit me with my extension has been denied. I was told to my face that it was because I owed money. Well, I found out that with the report they made, they accused me of not participating in the program. I went from depressed to pissed in .03 seconds! I also decided that I wasn't going to follow the program. I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted. You want to accuse me of not participating in the program when I was just to save your own asses because you can't put in the report it's about the money... Yeah, I really want to participate. On top of that, since I've been here, I have basically gotten NO help with my issues. In fact, I have been set off so much that I am in way worse condition than when I came here! And this is supposed to be a place where they help you. Bullshit! I guess I'm not their typical client, as they refer to us. I am 'high functioning' and I guess they are used to people that are low functioning. I don't know. Either way, they have always given me a double standard. They have always accused me of not doing shit I was or the reverse. They hold me up to a standard they hold no one else up to. And then they keep setting me off and it's just gotten worse... and this thing with KB and them basically not doing anything to help me... they can all just kiss off.

I am just worn out emotionally. I have no motivation. I am still afraid to go into the facility, even when I know KB isn't there. I just have this sense of being cornered. I won't go to my room except to get things or I am so tired that all I can do is pass out into sleep. I literally spend all my time out on the smoker's patio. In fact, it's where I am right now...

I did have a good talk with Ed, the Peer Support Specialist here, and a very good friend, and he made me realize that part of what I'm going to have to do is start forcing myself to go inside, at least for brief periods of time... basically exposure therapy. I don't want to do it, of course, because it's going to be anxiety inducing, but the point is to help me realize that nothing is going to happen... it will help reduce the stress and help me start going inside again. Not that I am going to be here much longer. I'm going to start looking for places to move later today. It's basically time... I am just getting worse here and no one is inclined to help me. The only people worth hanging around here is Richard and Chris. I enjoy talking with them both, especially Richard. He and I have things in common. He's a wonderful guy and I plan to keep in touch with him. His friend in Washington – I think – is sweet too.

But I feel like this place has done nothing but let me down. They have brushed me off more than once. They have told me to just deal with things. They have accused me of things that weren't true (doing or not doing something). They have abandoned me. They don't care – they could have switched one of our rooms, but I guess because Vickie, the program director thinks that I'm leaving that it doesn't matter. Of course, they should have done it a couple of weeks ago, but I guess I wasn't important enough. My fear and feeling unsafe didn't matter. So what it comes down to, is that it's better for me to suffer and stay out on the patio all night because I'm afraid to go to my room, because it would be an imposition on HER and that I am not worth to her, whether it's because of money owed, whether I'm leaving soon... whatever her reason, doesn't matter to me. What she basically showed me is that she does not give a shit about the residents and especially not me.

Emotionally, I am still very unwell. I am still wishing that I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I know so many people love and care about me, which is why I am not inclined to do anything to myself, but it would not bother me to go to sleep and just not wake up. Of course, who knows when I'm going to go to sleep now... It's 4:30am and at around noon it'll be 24 hours and as it is, I am wide awake. I will probably be up about 48 hours maybe, before I crash, either in my room or on the patio. I just hope I can somehow get a handle on this. I am actually getting tired of being relegated to the patio. I would rather be in my room and in my bed. Maybe I can bite the bullet at some point and try to go in there. I just don't know... and it's sad to say, but part of me is like, if I go inside it'll be giving in to them with their, “just deal with it” attitude. Still, I do have to think about what's in my best interests. I don't know. I'll have to think about it a bit more. But I am a bit cold out here. It's 62 degrees. Now don't anyway say that it's not cold. I am from Southern California! To me this is chilly! LOL! It's just how it is. Plus, I'm drinking a cold soda... and my fingers are definitely cold!

I just don't know what I am going to do. I think the talk with Ed helped me quite a bit, which is the good thing... I just don't really want to do what I need to do.

Anyway, I guess that's it... still in the wall of storms... lightening, thunder, rain, wind... and no real end in sight. These storms, one on top of another, is just a lot of handle. I wish they would blow themselves out... I wish... I wish...