Thursday, November 19, 2015

Storms, Lightening and Clear Skies

It's been while since I have been on here and a lot has happened. Things are a bit crazy, though they have settled down quite a bit. I probably can't go into everything that happened, but I will try to hit the high points. It's hard for me to remember everything. It's just how it goes with me. If I don't write it down, then the only things I'm going to remember are the big things.

The biggest thing is that Cassi and I are back together again! She went through a lot of crap when she ended up in Las Vegas stranded and when she needed me to get her birth certificate so she could get her ID, our first conversation over messenger didn't really go so well and I was really, really nervous about seeing her the next day - I mean, to the point of not being sure that I wanted to see her. My Complex PTSD had been triggered hardcore. But there I was waiting for her at the transit center, my focus completely on my phone when suddenly some woman sits down right next to me! I mean, her leg touching mine. I was like, what?? Then I realized it was my daughter!! And she was smiling brightly. She looked fantastic! She told me she had finally gotten a good night's sleep. Sometimes that alone can make for a much better attitude. From there, we talked non-stop. We got her birth certificate, we went to Jack in the Box for a couple of tacos each. She told me all about what happened to her in Vegas, which I won't get into here. But some bad things... but as I talked I told her that I had wanted her to be resourceful and independent, but I felt like I had pushed her too much in that direction, but I wanted her to be able to take care of herself. Basically that I had failed her. But how I hadn't wanted her to be like me - having to depend on other people and not know how to stand on my own two feet. I mean, I am assertive and most times can get what I need, but it took me a long time before I knew how to try to take care of myself and I still struggle with that. I didn't ever want that for her. But I almost started crying. I hate crying and  my kids have only rarely seen me cry. I actually think Cassi finally realized just how much I thought I had failed her. And she was the one telling me that it was okay. That she was okay. That she could take care of herself and that she was good with that. But, of course, it doesn't take away my guilt. I am going to try to work through that with therapy. Anyway, after that we went to the library because we needed to go there to catch the bus. I renewed her library card for her and bought her a book. After that, she came and saw my place. It had been so good to spend time with her. It made me feel like I was connected to her again - that she was once again my little girl. In fact, she told me she wanted me to come to her 18th birthday party that was going to be at the beach. I couldn't believe it! I mean, what 18 year old actually wants their mother at their party?? I couldn't believe it! Since then, she had come to see me a few times./It's awesome to have her back!

And my son. He is no longer living with my sister! He is living at her godmother's place at the moment. She loves him there! In fact, her husband loves him too. When they ask him to do something he does it. That's all my sister, Diana, would have had to do. Nope, like MOM, she expected it. That he should KNOW what to do. My kids and I don't work that way. You ask us to do something and chances are we'll do it. Be a bitch and guess what? The chances of us doing it goes down significantly. Just ask! Is that so hard to do? Even if it's the same thing every day! Just ASK! It's that simple! What's even better is that he got a job!! It's only part time, but it's his first job and I am so proud of him! I think he was afraid for the longest time. I haven't conquered my fear of that yet and I want to be able to look for work by February. I just need to be ready emotionally and right now I'm not. But he and I stay in touch, of course. He told me that even though he doesn't stock things as fast as they would like, the supervisors use his work to show others what they should be doing so he's obviously doing something they really like! I am just so happy for him! He's only seen me once since being here, but that's okay. He calls me on a regular basis. I saw him on Cassi's birthday. He came to see me because we were getting a ride to the beach from a friend of hers. He came really, really early, so we got to talk. He helped me straighten up my shed a bit. I took him to Jack in the Box where we spent a little time. I felt like an ice cube and forgot they keep those places cold because of all the cooking in the back making the place super hot otherwise. It was great spending that time with him. 

Then Cassi's friend came early with Cassi, her friend Chris, who she's staying with - I met him that first day I saw her. Sweet, sweet guy. He gave me a hug before they left. I have never had a problem with her friends liking me. In fact, most of my kids friends liked me because I never tried to put them in a box - force them to act a certain way - not to do things... I mean, certain things I would obviously try to stop them, but I was always more of a guiding figure. I never forced anything. The beach was fun until I got really cold and my incision started hurting. In fact, that's a story all it's own.

At the end of October after a therapy appointment, I went to the library as I always did. I ate a lunchable. A cheese pizza one. Anyway, my stomach started hurting about 20-30n mintues after, I think. I didn't think much of it except that it started hurting really bad to the point where I laid down on the floor, which is something they don't really allow. I honestly thought it was gas, so when they asked if I wanted them to call 911 I declined. Big mistake. I am feeling so bad I go home. When I get there the pain is a little worse. When dinner comes, I grab a plate. It was one of my favorites too - sea food linguine. So I'm thinking, maybe if I take a couple of bites I'll feel better. OMG! It made it worse. I ended up calling the nurses advice line. They told me I needed to go to an emergency room. That I needed to get there fast. I ended up having to call 911. I tried to just get the ambulance, but they sent the firetruck too... It's procedure. It's just that they have been called here enough times as it is... but they take me to the ER. The ER puts me in the waiting room. They do labs. They see I have a Urinary Tract Infection and that's ALL they see, so they put me on D Track, which I was pissed when I found out. D Track is where they send people with colds and crap. Anyway, they left me out in the waiting room for hours writhing in pain, crying... other people were going up saying I was in pain and they needed to do something. They did an ultrasound, though to be honest, I didn't remember them doing it until someone reminded me. That hurt too. Anything touching my stomach hurt.

Anyway, they give me a dose of an antibiotic and some tummy medication after I'm finally back in the bed. The stomach medicine actually seemed to help a little, but after the antibiotic I threw up about 15 minutes later and I am still writhing in pain. FINALLY the Doctor orders a CT scan of my abdomen. Next thing I know, they tell me I need emergency surgery. They put this thing down my nose that goes into my stomach. It hurt going in. Something crunched. Ick! But after meeting the surgeon - who is fantastic by the way - I threw up a bunch of blood and they said it was too much to be from the nose thing. Gee, guess they figured out what was wrong just in time! So I was taken to surgery and actually had two surgeries. I had some kind of hernia that had opened and a bunch of my small intestine had fallen through and the blood supply was being cut off. Anyway, they knock my ass out, of course and do the first surgery to pull out the intestines and fix up the hernia. The surgeon decided that instead of cutting out the intestines that she's going to wait and see if they pink up again. They did, so that was the second surgery. I woke up 24 hours later. Moving hurt. Coughing the first time hurt like hell! They had me on delauded, which is a synthetic morphine from what I was told. They had me doing the respiratory and occupational therapy. That took me a bit. They wanted me to cough for the longest time. I did when they weren't there, but I wouldn't do it on command. I wasn't going to deliberately hurt myself, you know? But my breathing was great! And each day, even with the pain, I was able to move more. It was a big deal with I could finally use the restroom and by myself! Before it was using the bedside commode. Ugh! It was 8 days later I was released. But unfortunately I'm still having pain even now. It's not bad, but before the staples came out, the staples were pulling at my skin. Then after the staples were removed it feels like the incision wants to pull apart. The staples were taken out Monday. 

Anyway, at Cassi's party, as I got colder and colder and sitting where I was, the incision started hurting and hurting bad. I ended up at this restaurant called Shades. They called 911. I guess it's because it was Veterans days - Yes, my Cass is a Veterans day baby - I was left on hold for quite a while. I told them what was going on. They sent an ambulance and the fire department too. They got to me FAST though, for being left on hold for so long. Instead of taking me back to Grossmont, which I really didn't want to go back to, they asked if they could take me somewhere closer. They suggested a couple of hospitals and they mentioned Sharp Memorial. That's where my kids were born! I was yes, of course. They got me in right away. They did a contrast CT scan on me to see if there were any tears with the incision and something else. It was all okay, but I was there long enough to give me two doses of delauded. After I got the okay that I could eat a drink - they had put an IV in me, of course, and ran in some fluid. I guess the labs showed I was a little dehydrated. But they got me some cranberry juice and a sandwich. That's so cool that the ER does that. And after that fact I was being released at the time. They also arranged for a cab ride because I had no idea how I was going to get  home. It cost them about $30. I was looking at that... I can't think of what it's called, but it keeps track of how much money it costs. But I was really surprised because Cassi came immediately to me when she found out I was going by ambulance to the hospital. She started crying. I told her I was going to be okay. She told me she just hated to see me in pain... Wow... I thought I had lost her. I even told her that the one day we got together and she told me I could never lose her. That meant the world to me and see how much she loved me at that moment... OMG! And Jordan stayed by my side the whole time until the ambulance came. He probably would have gone with me if he could have. I was afraid I had ruined Cassi's party and she assured me I didn't. It went on until almost dawn, which I wouldn't have been able to do anyway. I thought Jordan would have fallen asleep there, but she told me she didn't let him and he was engaged in conversation about the whole night! I was so glad! They both needed it. Cassi had told him too that him being at her party was his gift to her. I mean, things have changed so much once she dumped the asshole. It took a bit after that, but she knows how much I love her and I think she remembered that. It really meant so much to my heart because I really thought I was going to lose her... that I had lost her...

Anyway, my writing is at a stand still. Ed is going to come see me on Friday, which I am glad about. Though we email, I miss talking to him in person. So that's going to be great. And if I have nowhere to go on Thanksgiving, we're going to get together and go to Jack in the Box! LOL! Not much of a thanksgiving feast, but it works. We won't be alone. The only thing is that I won't be with my kids. That's going to be the hardest thing... Just thinking about it makes me want to cry... The holidays are going to be tough. I mean, there are things I'm going to love, like the Christmas lights, hot chocolate... Christmas music... I can use Pandora for that. I have Pandora, but I never use it because you can't make your own playlists like you can do on Spotify. However, with Pandora I can just play whatever they have going. I don't care about making a playlist for Christmas music. In fact, it's kind of cool to not know what's playing next - something you have forgotten about. Some Christmas music always makes me want to cry, but that' okay. I'm also going to try to get some cheap candy and Christmas bags and put together a little thing for everyone here for Christmas. I mean, I don't know who doesn't have a place to go and I just like to do stuff like that, but it depends if I have enough money. We'll see! And I want to get a special card for Annie and Scott for how awesome they are. They got my shed so nice and insulated! With the heater, most of the heat stays inside now. I'm still going to get gorilla tape and seal up the rest of the little holes and cracks, it will definitely be perfect! Annie and Scott cook the best food too! OMG! Eggs, bacon, toast with peanut butter, melon slices... soup, sandwiches... pizza, stir fry, that seafood linguine... We eat good here! And we don't have a curfew. Annie doesn't have a lot of rules. But one is that anyone that comes to visit goes through the front door and not through the gate. It's totally reasonable. She wants to know who's on her property. Another is to let her know if you're not going to be home. Also if you're going to miss dinner try to let her know. In fact, she was one of the two phone calls I made before I went into surgery. She couldn't believe it! And I had called Jordan, of course. He's my emergency contact - damn! I still haven't filled out that directive thing yet! Ugh! Jordan was asked all kinds of scary questions about if I ended up on life support what he wanted to do about it. Should they try to get my heart started again if it stopped or something... whatever stuff like that. I don't want to place him in that situation before. But when I got back Annie still couldn't believe I had needed emergency surgery. She was like, "You walked in like you were just talking about a toothache." I control my emotions really good and I have a relatively good tolerance to pain, I guess. 

So those are the big things. Cassi came to see me again last night! She had her friend Chris' little sister with her. She's sweet. Her name's Charlotte. Originally they were going to help me hang Christmas lights up around my room, but we never got to that. Instead we were showing each other funny memes and talking with each other. It was awesome and it really made my day after something that happened on Facebook. People really are on there waiting for someone to bash. I was added to a group. I stated my opinion on something and by the end of it I was getting bashed. It set off my C-PTSD. I mea, I was shaking and I wanted to cry. I literally had to take something to calm down. But after Cassi and Charlotte came, it totally turned my day around. I was so happy and in fact, I woke up in a fantastic mood! I still feel fantastic! I am a bit tired though. I made the mistake of after waking up around 6:30am and going back asleep only to be woken up by my friend Louie who now wants to be called Jerry - his middle name. But since my adopted nephew is named Jerry, I'm just going to keep referring to him with my writing to people as Louie. It's just easier and no one can get confused. Jerry, my nephew always stays in touch too! He was just so awesome! Also yesterday with the Facebook crap - had woken up after only about 4 hours of sleep and from nightmares no less! I couldn't remember them, but you know when you get the feeling? I did have a really creepy nightmare with my mother a couple if weeks ago... I guess it showed my hostility towards her and that she's not dead in my mind yet. She needs to be. I need to move on from what she did to me... It's a work in progress.

Speaking of my therapy - I don't think I have seen my therapist since my surgery. I made two appointments and I had to cancel both because I couldn't get a ride and I knew I couldn't do the walking. I had to do walking to get to the surgeon's. It was the most walking I had done since before the surgery and it wiped me out for the day. She was so great though. And I also want to say that after the surgery and I was admitted into the hospital everyone was FANTASTIC! I loved everyone. My problem was and is the ER staff. When I kept asking when I was going to be taken back because of the pain, the intake nurse literally told me that pain wasn't going to kill me... yeah, right! I think it almost did! But all is good now except I'm still having pain from the incision. The doctor was supposed to see me today, but apparently an emergency came up. Annie told me not to worry. The doctor had called in some medication. Funny because I was told she wasn't going to prescribe something unless she saw me. I guess that changed. She probably looked at my chart. Anyway, I should be getting medication for pain today. Yay! I am going to need them unfortunately. Two nights ago my pain was bad and I called the nurses advice line just to see if I could take ibuprofen or naproxyn and if it would work for this kind of pain (which it didn't I found out because my doctor told me to do that. Nope...) but instead she told me that with the pain I needed to go the emergency room. Yeah, right - back to Grossmont? Hell no! Not unless I'm dying and they KNOW I'm dying I really do not want to go back to that ER ever again. They would have left me out in the waiting room for hours and hours again on D Track, because this really wouldn't have been an emergency. Yeah, that's how I want to spend my whole night and into the next day. So I didn't go... I didn't die. My incision isn't bleeding or anything. I really wanted the doctor to take a look at it though. I need to ask what to do about the bandaging. I don't have any gauze and tape and I would really like to take a shower... Guess it means a phone call and wonder if they'll answer.

I guess that's it! Breakfast was delicious! We had potatoes fried with ham, onions and I think they were sweet peppers. An egg on top of that. Peanut butter toast and melon! They served milk too, but I never grab any. I just don't care for milk and it fills me up too much and then I can't eat the food I need to eat. Anyway, things are going very well today. Think I'm going to go take my beta fish Gus outside. He liked the natural light. I try to do it every day. He's my buddy. I think everyone thinks it's funny that I love him so much. I was thinking about getting another one, but it's another tank to clean out and I think Gus is enough. I might actually get some writing done today. You never know!

For now the storms are over and they had been pierced with some awesome sunshine! Today, I think the skies are going to be clear and bright! The kind of day where the sun warms you and makes you smile!

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