Friday, March 13, 2015

Fist Full of Anger

Well, the last several days have been rough. I kept getting triggered and triggered and triggered... I was filled with anger and it seemed as if no one here cared. I'd tried to talk to my Care Coordinator and got brushed off a couple of times in the last week or so. I met with the psychiatrist and we got into it. I didn't like him when we first met and I seriously do not like him. My feelings are pretty strong about him and if you don't like or trust your psychiatrist it's time to move onto the next one. So rather than just sit here and fume or start crying I called the Access and Crisis Line where I asked for numbers to psychiatrists and trauma therapists as well since my Care Coordinator didn't apparently have time to help me, which is her job. Anyway, I got several numbers. For a psychiatrist I have an orientation on Monday at 9:00 a.m. and after that I'm going to a women's center where they get you in with a therapist that specializes in trauma. It's just that this last week has made me feel like I'm only in this program for a place to eat and sleep and do my chores. Other than that I feel like I'm on my own. I think it's sad. This program is supposed to help find resources or whatever your goals and I feel like just because I don't have as many issues as a lot of the people here that they just leave me bed. But as soon as I do something or don't do something they want they are ready to jump on me and talk to me then. It's just frustrating and it angers me. If it wouldn't have been for my handsome Ron, who I email, I might have really lost it. He is so sweet and encourages me to vent to him if it helps and it does.

But this morning I woke up and made a decision. I'm going to be a good girl and do whatever they want me to within reason. Then do what I need to do for myself. I could change my mind, but as it stands now, I don't want any kind of help from them since they couldn't see fit to help me all this time and have done nothing but single me out for their reprimands. Oh, that's not what they call it, of course, and they will tell you it's nothing bad, when it is bad and a reprimand. They don't want you to feel it's negative. Sorry, it is negative. Plan and simple.

Anyway, I'm a lot more calm, though a bit depressed, but that's expected after several days of being angry. It's like swimming against the current. It just wears you out. I did manage to take a nap, which I needed. In fact, I was going to go to the Library to use the computer to write an email because they closed the computer lab because some people were bad in there. Nice for the rest of us, right? But I was just too tired to go.

We'll see how the evening goes. I'm cooking dinner. Fun! Lol! It's one thing to cook for your family, but cooking for 13 people is a bit daunting. But at least I'm pretty calm now.

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