The day after my niece's death was just as bad as the day of. There was this horrible, lingering depression and though my logical mind told me it wasn't going to last forever, the emotions were telling me the exact opposite, which is exactly what depression wants you to believe. That darkness wants to make you think it's going to last forever when it won't. I did make it past that day too and the next. But then yesterday the sun came out! Though I only slept about two hours, I woke up and I felt wonderful! I suddenly had energy and I smiled. The darkness had left! I can't say why or how it was able to happen, but it happened. It's not to say I still don't want to cry when I think of my beautiful niece because even now I feel tears wanting to mist my eyes. But that overwhelming darkness has abated and in its place, the dawn has come.
I woke up yesterday morning after two hours of sleep and felt so good. I got up right before it was time for Community meeting so I had enough time to throw on clothes, though I forgot it was Friday and threw on a blue shirt. I wanted to make my bed and was just about to do it when Community Meeting was called. I sat through that, went on the walk, came back, saw what my new chore was - which is kitchen follow-up. Basically I keep the kitchen counters clean and replace cereal. I'm also supposed to sweep and mop, but I can't do that because of my back, so I always need to find someone to do that for me. Friday another of the residents here was kind enough to do it. That way I got credit. Otherwise I would get an after dinner chore. Though I am starting to think that if I can't find other people willing to help me I'll just say screw it and take the after dinner chore because I can always request an easy one - like clear, clean and wipe the table. It's the easiest job, in my opinion. Other people might say trash or cleaning the over, but for me it's that one.
I did struggle a little making it to morning group, which I really, really, really didn't want to go to. It was smoking cessation. I'm not a smoker... It's aggravating to have to sit though a group that does not pertain to you. But I did and it was remotely interesting, but mostly because of different off topic conversations that started going on and the group leader kept having to bring us back to topic. LOL! After that, I had time. I finally did some writing with my friend over aim. We are working on a story dealing with humans, elves, blood elves, a Dark Knight, royalty... and drama! Lots of drama! It's distracting! I was also playing on Facebook. I can never do just one thing at a time like that. I was doing something else as well, but for the most part it was those two things. I was getting tired, but I kept going. Dinner was okay. I had to cook dinner Friday night - cheese enchiladas. I was supposed to make Spanish rice too. Since my cooking partner wasn't there, another resident offered to help. To be honest, I figured the resident that was supposed to have helped me wasn't going to be much help anyway. But I couldn't do the rice right. It came out like crap. Literally, I ended up opening a couple of cans of corn to compensate and after dinner, I threw the rice out. There was a lot of it too, but it wasn't worth keeping. I did make a good salad though, and the corn, set the majority of the table and helped assemble the enchiladas. I have to say that part was fun! He and I were doing dances around each other trying to take turns filling up the tortillas after we dipped them in sauce and then getting them to the baking dishes. Those came out awesome! I ate so much. And I wanted to eat more enchiladas! That's the sad thing!
After dinner I worked more on Facebook and had thought about writing on my James Bond fantasy story, but I just felt too drained. Last night was also socialization night. I don't think you can count watching a movie as socializing, but I guess the idea is that all the residents are together. I, of course, was the one to bring out movies. I make sure all of them were PG-13. We ended up picking "Alex Cross" based very loosely on the James Patterson book "Cross." I mean, it was a good movie, but you could never say it was like the book. LOL! But that's okay. Very few people stayed through the whole thing, but that's how it usually goes.
Jerry had missed dinner because he'd been out and about, but eventually came back and I asked him if he would come to 7 Eleven with me. I just wanted to get a drink. I ended up with Gatorade. I just didn't want a carbonated soda, nor did I want tea. Plus, I figured it wouldn't be that bad to have. I wasn't drinking enough water and I was sure my electrolytes were off. And I know that Gatorade is basically water, salt and sugar. That's it... well, and flavoring. LOL! But it's what I wanted. When we got back, we hung out together a bit and then it got to be time for medication. I figured I'd be up just a little bit later than that, but the next thing I know it's 6:00am! I decided some sleep was better than no sleep, but I did sleep. I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow I think. I woke up around 10:00am. I had to get up for medication or I might have slept until passed noon! I have to say I was exhausted though. But I got up, got dressed, did the majority of my chore and when I told Jessica - the care coordinator there - we made a switch. She had to take care of the bathroom in Cove 1 and so I did that for her, while she swept and mopped for me! It worked out great! I did also have lunch, which I had neglected to do the day before. I ended up getting a bagel, slicing it in half, putting on salami and then cheese, nuking it and eating! I also I was going to have yogurt, but that was definitely a case of my eyes being bigger than my stomach. I did, however, have coffee! Then I was on Facebook and on aol writing. Dinner was good. I probably could have done a better job cooking this - breakfast casserole. LOL! But that's okay. Then after that, I was off in my room again, but I actually decided to write on my James Bond fantasy. Jerry, however, had asked me if he could use my laptop to play a game with Manny, so I told me I would after I got a little written. I did end up stopping because I am at this one part where a tarot card reading is being done. I picked the cards myself - I know what they mean, though I have to reference my book. The first card was easy - The Tower. Essentially the worst card in the deck as far as I'm concerned. But since I wanted to refresh my mind on the other two I picked, plus I wanted to write an email to my Aussie and get to this, I let Jerry have the laptop. Unfortunately, he found out relatively quickly that all the data on his hotspot had pretty much been used up. He was so bummed out and I was for him too. Apparently some friends of his got the password and that's all it took. He can't replenish it until next month. Which sucks.
Anyway, after this, I will probably do a little more writing, then take meds and stay up until whenever talking with Ed, the Peer Support Specialist here. I just love talking with him! I live for it and he helped me through some of the darkness this week. All I can say is that the last two days have been wonderful. The sun rose and shined brightly! I have hopes it will continue into tomorrow. It's just nice to have the darkness at bay.
Here's to the warmth of the sun!
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