Sunday, June 7, 2015

Coming Out of the Storm

This week had been one of severe downs, with some up moments. In fact, life was okay for the most part until Wednesday. Wednesday was a day from hell! I was hit by three different incidents. The first was something that upset me, but nothing I couldn't have gotten over easily and to be honest, that incident I did get over easily enough. But it was the next two that hit me hard. In fact, they basically overlapped and one was such a bad trigger that very bad things went through my head.

Already I wasn't sleeping. In fact, in six days I had had 20 hours of sleep. I was, at this point, falling apart. I was on edge and basically needed sleep badly. But I got up that morning like I was supposed to do. I got dressed, went to community meeting, did my chore - the whole nine yards. But just as I was finishing up my chore, I get a text from my idiot friend asking me why I never get a day pass and come down to see him. Finally, I was blunt with him. I told him that I didn't want to go down there unless I knew his wife was there. This is a guy I have known for 20 years and he had been trying to get back into my pants for the last several months. I tried to be nice and make him think I just wasn't interested in sex. I didn't want to be rude and tell him I just wasn't interested in sex with him. Yes, we did have a relationship for awhile and believe it or not his wife knew. When it comes down to it, she doesn't want him either, but neither is willing to leave the other. For her, it's more about finances and for him it's not just finances, but also because he doesn't know how to be alone. He is also abusive. While living with him, I looked up warning signs for Domestic Violence and he hit every single one. Yeah. But toward the end of the time living with them I ended things with him. I didn't want to have anything to do with him, let alone be intimate with him!!
Anyway, of course, he flips out on me, which proved to me that I had been right. He told me fine, that if I couldn't trust him that our friendship was over. I replied, fine, bye. He kept texting me. I told him that if we weren't friends anymore why was he still texting me? Well, he kept at it and got more and more abusive to the point of calling me a victim, which he said to hurt me. Instead, I told him that's exactly what I was. I then downloaded this app called phone warrior and blocked his abusive ass. I did catch the tail end of one of his texts before it got deleted that was his usual apology that most abusers give. But like most abusers, the "I'm sorry," doesn't mean shit because they'll do it again. In my idiot friend's case, he knows what he's doing is wrong and needs to change, but he won't do it. He won't get the help and he certainly won't put in the work that it would require. Well, his wife is eventually going to leave his ass. She's telling me how close she is. And with the way he is, he's going to end up alone in the end, because no one is going to put up with his ass, unless they really have crappy self-esteem. One thing for sure, I need to cut all abusive people out of my life - except for my kids - my daughter. In fact, my daughter and I are getting along so much better.

Okay, so onto the second thing. Cassi calls me and tells me that she's going to the ER because she's sick. Okay, no problem. They call me, confirm that I want her seen. Anyway, it turns out that she has a bad Urinary Tract Infection. I am also told her Medi-Cal has been cut for some reason! Which means she can't get the medication filled. I am freaking out because she needs this medication. She's freaking out too and all I can think is that if I can't get this for her, then her infection is going to get worse and it could go into her good kidney! I even tried to pay for it over the phone. The pharmacy wouldn't do it. I offered to go into another store in the chain to give them my card and to pay for it that way. That wasn't policy and they couldn't do that either! So I'm calling the hospital back and trying to figure out what I can do to get these meds covered! Well, I am either getting voice mails or people that can't help me. It's around this time my care coordinator asks me if I still wanted to meet with her at 1:00pm. Yeah, I thought it was a good idea. Okay, so she comes and gets me about 20 minutes after and I am still freaking out trying to figure out what to do. All I can think of right now is having my daughter find out how much her medication is going to be and for me to send the money Western Union. I really didn't know what else to do.

So I am venting all of this to my care coordinator and then she hits me with "Let's talk about what you spend your money on every month." Okay, I don't have a problem with that, except that my mind isn't on it. But I'm trying to go through it. Then the Administrator, Rhonda, sits down. I do not like Rhonda. She reminds me of all of my abusers. She has since practically the first day I was here. Well, I was already at my breaking point. I said, "I'm not doing this," I got up and started heading out. My Care Coordinator was like, "Just because you walk away doesn't mean this is going to go away. We need to talk about it." I looked at her and said, "I'll talk to YOU about it." Then I was gone. I went to my room and was just flipping out. I was just about crying, which is definitely when I'm in crisis mode. Terrible things were going through my mind about hurting myself and even taking my own life. I just was done. I was toast. I wanted everything to just stop. I had reached the very limit of what I could take. In fact, that last bit had been a HUGE trigger for me. I felt ambushed! And I do not deal with being ambushed well. It's something my family used to do to me. So it was a bad flashback. That's probably a big part of why I wanted to hurt myself and kill myself. The thought that crossed my mind that if I had a gun I would shoot myself. And here it was, I used to think that after the five years of my restriction was up, I might actually see about getting a gun... now I realize just how bad of an idea what would be. So yeah, I think that's off my list now. If I want to fire one, I'll just have to rent one or something. Owning one is just not a good idea for someone like me. I mean, I have almost always been able to stop myself before acting out, but... there's always that chance when I will act before allowing myself to think it all the way through. I'm not sure I want to place something like that in my hands to be readily available when I feel like that.

Eventually, the assistant program director came and talked with me. She asked if I could meet with her tomorrow and talk with her. I said, yeah, no problem. I didn't have a problem talking with her. I just couldn't and wouldn't talk with Rhonda and I told her why. But she said that she didn't want me to think about it anyone that day and to take it easy. I was glad about that, but I was just so upset. Eventually, I left. I had to get out. I knew things would be even worse if I stayed. I had no idea where I was going to go, but I knew I just had to leave. I hoped the bus going toward the transit center, trying to decide if I was going to get off on any of the stops along the way, because I was hungry. I mean, I knew I shouldn't spend the money, but I was hungry and I had to eat something. Nothing at the house had sounded good and being outside of my room there was the last thing I wanted to do.

I ended up staying all the way to the transit center. From there, I decided I was going to walk around. I had no idea where I was going to go, but I wanted to see what places there were to eat around there. I saw a lot of places, but either, they would give me too much food, or looked like they would be a little too expensive. I ended up at a Dairy Queen. I got chicken strips and they were okay. I also got onion rings and a drink. I didn't mind paying extra for that, but when they wanted to charge me for an extra sweet and sour sauce, I did get kinda pissed off. Okay, it was a whole 35 cents, but I didn't feel like I should have to pay it. Basically, I'm not going back there again, or to any of them anymore. I know, maybe it's an over reaction, but it upset me on an already upsetting day. After that, I walked around more. I went the T-Shirt Mart because I wanted to see if they had a patriotic shirt that I could wear on Monday's for one of my support groups. On Mondays we wear our country's colors to support our country's troops and veterans. Anyway, I had bought a shirt there before, but I didn't realize you can pick decals to be put on the shirts... LOL! You think I would have noticed! Anyway, I found one I liked - a heart with the stars and stripes! So I had him put that on a light gray shirt. It came out really nice and plan to wear it for the first time on Monday. After that, my phone was dying and I was writing with Patty B, so I went to this Hawaiian themes coffee house that I had been to before. Instead of getting coffee I got this herbal tea and it was delicious! I charged my phone for a bit, but not for long. Their wifi sucked, so I couldn't stay. I couldn't risk losing my connection with Patty B. Of course, as I was heading back to the transit, she has to go. But it worked out. I hopped the bus back, I missed dinner, but didn't care and just tried to relax for the rest of the night.

The next day I got a call from the woman I had left two voicemails for about getting my daughter's medication covered! Basically, if I could get my son to get there to sign this paperwork she could get the medication. That her Medi-Cal would be reinstated until the end of July, but I had to see what happened between then and now. I have to get that taken care of next week. My son wasn't thrilled with having to go all the way to the hospital, but he did. I was hoping he could pick up the prescriptions, but the problem was Cassi had them! And without them they couldn't get filled. So I was stressed out that. I called the woman back again and she explained that because Jordan had signed the paperwork anyone 18 years and older could pick up the medication and it didn't have to be that day. I was under the impression it had to be that day and her brother had to do it! So what a relief! That made me feel better! Then I did end up speaking with the assistant director. I knew it was about rent and it wasn't a pleasant conversation, but it wasn't terrible either. We set up an agreement and that was that. However, I was so tired, but seeing as I had to go to the bank, I left. I chose the one Chase bank I knew of that I could get to easily. It was near the Walmart too and I decided I wanted to get a couple of last minute things before I couldn't get anything anymore. Almost all the rest of my money had to go towards rent. I also decided to go to Denny's for dinner too. That was a nice treat. I got Eggs in a Basket and also got ice cream. I'm not sure where I put it all! LOL! But it was a nice treat. Then at Walmart I bought four energy drinks, which is really what I wanted anyway. I also grabbed a new pack of undies, a new bra and a three ring hole punch. I grabbed the cheap one, though I would have preferred to get the better one, but that one was almost $8. I also grabbed one $5 movie - a PG-13 on called "Alex Cross." Of course, I wanted that one! ;-) But I got out of there really cheap! Then I grabbed the bus and headed back. I should mention it's an hour there and an hour back and that's if the buses line up right. Needless to say, I missed dinner again. I didn't give a crap. One of the staff members was already talking with one of my cove3 neighbors - my nephew Manny - about how he's supposed to be there for dinner. That it's an expectation of the program... Whatever. So he comes over to my door and I repeat everything she just said with an "I know." She was like, oh you heard me. I basically told her that I had heard the spiel before and that I had things to do. That it was what it was. However, I was still not doing great. My moods were up and down.

Then yesterday. I got up and went to community meeting, did the walk, did my new chore, took my morning meds and made my bed... I even went and got the money orders for the majority of rent,  but I was exhausted and bad things were going through my mind again. I knew I was going to have to talk to someone on staff. But I felt like I couldn't even get out of bed! So when one of the staff members came in to do my room check I decided I would take the opportunity to talk. It was something I needed to do more of anyway, since I am so bad about reaching out. But I'm trying to do better.  So I am talking with her about the fact that I wasn't doing well, about being triggered earlier in the week, but thought I was doing better and yet these thoughts were running through my head. She talked with me for half an hour and because she talked with me, I started seeing positive things - like the fact that I do help people. Like I helped my nephew Manny. I wouldn't have known it had my other nephew Jerry not said something. But hearing the impact I made had floored me! I told that to Jessica and she pointed out that if I wasn't here what would have happened to him? Who would have helped him? I hadn't thought about it. It really made an impact for me and made me think about who else I might have actually helped without realizing it and how many others I'll be able to help as a Peer Support Specialist and even she told me I'm going to make a great one. That's always so good to hear because I still doubt myself way too much. I also managed to drag myself to group, which I didn't think I would be able to do and it ended up being interesting! Usually, the Dual Diagnosis group is SO BORING! Not only do I not have a Dual Diagnosis, but I know a lot of what they talk about. But this one was about personality traits! Something I have been interested in for a long time! So that had my attention from beginning to end. Then later that afternoon I started feeling cramps. I thought these were practice ones. I sometimes get them about a week before my period. Well... turns out that they weren't practice! LOL! I guess it decided to be early this month! Yay! NOT! But it explained the exhaustion (outside the 20 hours of sleep in six days though that was working itself out), and the moodiness for the day. Surprisingly, shortly after realizing what was going on my moodiness left and I felt more level! God, was that good! I took something for the cramps all was good!    


I slept pretty good last night, which was awesome, though I woke up tired still. Of course, I'm not surprised by that. I got up, got dressed, made my bed and did my chore. I grabbed something to eat and went to my room to play on Facebook and type up my James Bond fantasy story that I started typing up the night before. I also started laundry - which I forgot about! LOL! I also had training at the Humane Society, but I forgot about that too! When I did remember though, I checked the website and found out there was training tomorrow too, so I signed up for that and will NOT forget that. It turned out to be a good thing that I did forget today because Jerry and I were supposed to cook dinner together. It ended up really just being me. I really didn't mind because dinner was so freaking easy! It was pasta bake, veggies and salad. Oh my god! You couldn't get easier! The longest part of it was waiting for the water to boil. It took forever even with a lid on it! But for the green beans, I drained them, put butter on top with some garlic powder. Salad is just too easy. Lettuce, tomato, cheese. Done! The pasta bake was noodles, sauce, cheese, bake. So hard! LOL! So I got that done and set the table. I even had half an hour to spare! And I started about 10 minutes late! I love nights where cooking is that easy! I hate to say it, but unless Jerry is actually helping me, I would rather cook alone. At least if it's something not too complicated.
One of the resident's birthday was today, so he got to pick a cake from the fridge. Apparently there were three to choose from. He chose the chocolate cake. I decided I would try some and hoped that the fridge hadn't gotten to it, or that the chocolate would overpower it. The chocolate overpowered it because I could taste just a hint of fridge in the frosting, but not enough to make me sick. However, I took too big of a piece and ended up sick in another way. Oh, I so wanted to throw up and even tried to make myself, but that didn't work. God knows I am not having chocolate for awhile and even longer for chocolate cake, I think!
So tonight I have written to my Aussie. It's Sunday where he is, so I won't hear from me until tomorrow at the earliest. But work has been crazy for him. Last week was insane apparently. I also have to get back to writing the next part of our fantasy. Hopefully this next coming week. He completely understands why I haven't gotten to it and he would never presume to push the issue. He isn't like that and never has been. God, I love him so much! He is so much more to me that even he probably realizes. And even when I get a brief note from him it's enough to make me smile because I know he thought about me. Yes, I love him. I have loved him since 2008-2009 and that love will never change.

Oh and a bit of amusement. There's this meme that was posted by a friend on Facebook. It is about how much jail time would you get for different things related to sex that you've done. Well, on this friend's post, the highest I saw anyone post was 86. Well, I totaled mine up and well... I had 106! It would have been higher had I still had a certain object! LOL! I laughed and posted that I was either going to die in jail and/or I was going to hell! I shared this with my nephew Jerry and we laughed so hard together! That was so much fun and so funny! That was definitely a highlight of the last few days!

So the storm has official ended. The stars are coming out tonight and the sun will shine tomorrow... the clouds have rolled away leaving fresh air and hope for a clearer day.

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