Sunday, May 31, 2015

Bright Sun and Clear Skies

It's been a few days and things have been good! Of course, I was up for 42 hours straight, but all in all, I have weathered that without too many repercussions. Literally I woke up May 28th at 8:00am and didn't fall asleep until 2:00am on May 30th! It's been fun! LOL! Well, not really, but it hasn't been bad! Though I had to admit to feeling a bit more emotional and I HATE to feel like I am going to cry. I'm sure I've mentioned this several times by now. It makes me feel too vulnerable and like I am about to lose my mind. So for me, it's just not acceptable. The really sad thing is that I could have stayed up later, even. It took me shutting off my lamp and putting my phone down to finally relax and go to sleep. If my mind is still active I just don't sleep. It's just how it is. I also didn't like the fact that I started to feel moody and then I even started getting depressed even though I had absolutely nothing to be depressed about! I mean, I have been talking with my daughter just about every day! She even told me she was sorry that she ever let her fiancé get between us! I mean, that was mind-blowing and made me feel so happy! It has made me feel like I have my daughter back! I never honestly thought I would get her back in any way, shape or form. So to me this is a miracle! Still, I was getting depressed. I don't know why. I can only assume it was the lack of sleep taking its toll. The funny thing is how I was functioning on so little sleep before and doing so well! Go figure. I was also glad that I didn't have to bring my movies out for Socialization group last night. I mean, not that I would have minded, but I wasn't even in the mood to watch a movie, but they put on "The 6th Day" with Arnold the Terminator! LOL! I actually like that movie and hadn't seen it in a long time, so I actually sat through the whole movie when I could have left an hour into it. It also meant I didn't have to sit through the credits before removing my DVD. It was good that I finally slept though, however, I wish I would have slept longer.

I woke up at 8:10am and didn't remember what day it was so I am throwing my clothes on thinking I'm missing Community Meeting! I rush out and see my room neighbor and another resident in front of the staff office and I was like, "Did I miss Community Meeting?" and my room neighbor was like, "Do we have those on Saturday?" I just had to laugh. "It's Saturday? Wow... well then, I'm going back to sleep!" LOL! Which I did do, however, I knew I was going to be woken up around 10:00am to take my morning meds. I should have just stayed awake. I know better than to go back to sleep for such a short period of time, but did it anyway, so I have felt like I've been dragging all day. Do you think it's made me want to sleep early? Nope. It's after 10:00pm and I don't feel sleepy at all! But I thought that was so funny this morning! I mean, I never forget what day it is! I guess being awake for almost two whole days will do that to you! LOL!

I did hear from my daughter again today. She was telling me about the phone number change and that she was watching her friend's talent show and then asked me if I could help her with her bus pass, which I just can't do this month. I told that to her and she's seriously stressed about it. I completely understand, so I was telling her we needed to get her in to see a psychiatrist. Then I was thinking about my therapist and wondered if he could fill out the paperwork to get her a disabled bus pass. If so, I can probably swing the $18 a month, but there is no way I can afford a youth pass every month. I would literally have no money for essentials. I also told her that she'd have top see this therapist. She wasn't thrilled with it, but my reasoning is two-fold. Not only will this hopefully get her the needed bus pass, but will help her too. I feel like right now, what she really needs, is just to vent about things. Eventually she's going to need to work on the issues, but I think really talking about things with someone other than friends will really help her. So hopefully my idea will work and ultimately I will be doing a really good thing for her as her mom without really telling her that I'm doing it for that reason. LOL! Fingers crossed! But I have to admit I am so happy to have her back! Have I said that yet? LOL!

Then I had to deal with my idiot friend. I love him. I really do, with all my heart. We will be friends until the end of time, I am sure, but he just does NOT think about what he says before he says it, OR he does know what he's saying but honestly believes you're not going to get upset about it! Okay then... Anyway, he calls me today and is asking me what my plans are after I get out of this program, like am I still planning to move in with my son? I said yes, providing he can get a job. Then he tells me that he would hope he would move in with his fiancé eventually. I told him how Jordan had told me that they would still want me there. Do you know what he says to me? That it wouldn't be a good thing because I'm dirty. Yeah... I was like WHAT?! Excuse me? I was so pissed off! Yeah, I was a mess, but he doesn't even know what I'm like now in that area! My room is always clean! I don't have a ton of stuff like I used to and I really wasn't that dirty of a person except when I was seriously depressed, which I was a lot of the time. He was telling me how it would drive my son's fiancé crazy. I was just too pissed off for words. I told him that was enough and I promptly hung up on his ass. Then of course, he was trying to make excuses and justify it. I mean, that was hugely triggering! Like he doesn't know what my mother put me through? How that kind of crap effected me when I lived with his ass? Come on! And you just don't say that to someone you supposed care about. I mean, if he gave a rat's ass about my feelings he would have kept his big mouth shut instead of hurting me, which I honestly believe he knew it would, at least on some level. He did eventually apologize, which is his normal after he's says something or done something to hurt someone. Though I accepted it, it's like, it doesn't excuse it and it's one of the top reasons that I don't tell him what really goes on in my life and especially what goes on in my head. There is no freaking way! And he would love to start up a relationship with me if he could and what he doesn't get is that there is a snowball's chance in hell of that ever happening! I don't trust him not to hurt me. Plus, I know how he treats the people he supposedly cares about and loves. Yeah, NEVER happening. Period. I love him as a friend and that's it. It will never go further, no matter how much he might want it. In the future I might have a relationship, but it would never be with him. There is just no way ever it would be him.
Anyway, after that, I was depressed and upset. I had been so triggered off, and of course, he's totally clueless because he doesn't get stuff like that and I wouldn't tell him how bad it effected me anyway. I happened to mention that I was upset because of something my idiot friend did and immediately my best friend is calling me asking me what he did, because she knew exactly who I was referring to. I have to say that I am so glad she called me. I really needed to talk about it and I am so bad about reaching out to people now. But apparently we both needed to talk and by the end of our conversation I felt so much better! I was actually back to being happy! So that was a great thing! It's nice that I could rebound so quickly because of my best friend. She really is a sister - twin sister - more than anything else. There is no one I'm closer to - female-wise. My Aussie is the other person I am closest too, but I don't look to him like a brother! ;-) LOL!

I did get things done today though. I got my clothes and towels washed - after I downloaded a timer app to make sure I didn't forget about my clothes, and I also washed my bedding. I really needed to do that. Not that they stunk or anything, but it was time. I also wrote with Patty B.. A friend from a Facebook support group I'm in and she's in mine made a few suggestions on a way to make my group better, such as changing the name a bit to make it easier for people to find and to post rules for the group, which I should have done, but had just been putting it off. So finally, tonight, I spent time writing out a list of rules. I like them. Now I just have to type them up and post them. What's going to suck is that I have to do it on my phone since the computer in the computer lab here can't access social media. Guess they don't want people hogging the computer or some other reason. Thank God I have my phone. That's all I can say because I would lose it without Facebook. I need it. That's where most of my emotional support comes from! Plus, it keeps my mind occupied. I would not want to see me without that outlet. It would really, really, really be bad.

I also spent time tonight trying to help this young autistic girl who suffers with self harm. She's a sweet little thing, but being nice and trying to gently nudge her wasn't doing any good so I got a little harsh with her. I'm sorry, but it's fine to whine how your life sucks, IF you want to do something about it. I mean, it takes a lot of work to get up that courage, but if your life sucks and you do nothing, guess what? Your life is going to continue to suck!! Plus, I was trying to give her ideas on how to cope with some really tough, emotional situations, but I felt like it just wasn't getting through. Then, and this drives me nuts, is people tell me that she can't help it because she's autistic. Really?? It's like her babysitter has contacted me twice via messenger and asked me the same question twice. She's having a tantrum what do I do? I told her what to do the first time and this time. You walk away until she calms down. It's how you deal with a toddler tantrum, it's how you'd deal with this one. If no one is there to hear the tantrum then the tantrum fades because there is no reason to have one. It's that simple. But here's what really gets me and really just pisses me off actually. She tells me she can't help it because she's autistic. This are the same words that have come out of the girl's mouth. Okay, well Helen Keller was blind and deaf and was allowed to run around like an animal basically, because "she couldn't help it." Okay, then how is it she learned how to behave and "talk" for lack of a better word? Basically all these people have done is make excuses for this girl to the point she uses it as an excuse for her behavior as well. And by saying this, what incentive does she have to work on changing her behavior? NONE! Why? Because everyone accepts it. They tell her what she's doing is okay because she's autistic and can't help it. Oh man that pisses me off so much, you have no idea. It makes me want to take these people saying this stuff and smack them! I mean, seriously?? That's how you want this girl to act for the rest of her life because she's autistic and can't control herself? I mean, they still put her to bed with a bottle for crying out loud! I don't know. She's going to have a very sad life if something does change for her or for the people around her that keep telling her it's okay to act like a two year old because she's autistic and can't help it. Ugh!! SMACK!

Yeah, I guess I'm still a bit emotional! LOL! But now I'm going to close this up. I have had a good day, pretty much. I may or may not sleep tonight. I think I'll sleep eventually and tomorrow is Sunday so I can sleep until 10:00am if I want. We'll see what happens. And right now, I am going to go talk with the Peer Support Specialist since he's here and I love talking with him! It's probably my favorite person to talk with! It's just nice to have a day that is ending on a good note and that I've been in a pretty good mood for the most part despite some aggravations. I also have things I want to do tomorrow so all is good! So that's it for today - calm seas, bright sun and clear skies... life is good!

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