Monday, April 6, 2015

Not So Happy Easter

My Easter started by waking up from a nightmare. Usually the feelings brought on by a nightmare dissipates after I'm awake for awhile. Not this time. I woke up feeling depressed and feeling hopeless. 

Basically I was being held by the Cartel in Mexico. I was raped three times and they were trying to force me to marry this one man. I believe he was the son of the head honcho. I guess because I wouldn't they were going to take me out and kill me. This guy was driving me to the place in a convertible. He pulled over. I think I had talked him into it. Somehow I got his revolver and took off. I wound up at this hotel, but I knew they were trying to find me. Then I ran into this woman and her daughter and knew they were going to kill her if they found her. So I tried to help her. I can't remember if they caught her, but they caught me. I remember being held by my arms and being brought before the head honcho and they were going to kill me. It was like no matter what I did it didn't matter. I was still going to die. 

And so I felt depressed and hopeless. I know some of it was triggered by my daughter and her fiance. After what happened in January not only has she been trying to push/bully me into saying yes to something not in her best interests. She also gave her fiance my phone number to do the same. They have been pushing since last week. On Saturday I told them both I wasn't going to make a decision until Monday after I was able to make some calls, so what do they do on Easter? They call me to try to push again. Ugh! That just made everything worse. They expect me to be okay with the possibility I could get into trouble by telling me how smart they are and how it won't happen. Famous last words. I have talked to a few friends and counselors about it and they all say the same thing - Don't do it. I'm still calling legal aid to find out how much trouble I could get into, just to have that knowledge. But I'm worried that once I give them my answer the real pushing and bullying will start. They claim they have changed so much, but they haven't. Not one bit. I hate to say it. She's my daughter, I love her, but I can't wait until she's 18.

But basically my whole Easter was shot. At least we had a nice ham dinner. I guess that's something. 

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