Thursday, April 23, 2015

Hazy Skies

Life hasn't been bad these last few days. I was able to accomplish a few things and without any major upheavals in my life. The most that happened were mild irritations, but don't we all have them every day? It's just life.

I had a 24 hour heart monitor put on me the day before yesterday to monitor my heart during a normal day. I am just worried because my heart rate will drop into the 40's when I'm resting. That's pretty low, especially if you consider the fact that my resting rate used to be in the 60's. The thing is, almost every test I have ever taken for just about anything comes back normal. I mean, like 97% or higher of normal. Don't get me wrong! That's a good thing, but it's frustrating when things can't be explained, like the heart rate. I also get light headed and dizzy, my balance gets way off and I sometimes have heart palpitations that are not related to anxiety. I just like answers. It's how I am. I want to know why!
Anyway, I thought the thing was going to be big and bulky, but it wasn't. In fact, most of the time I forgot it was there, except for when I went to bed. It didn't bother me too much, but the tossing and turning made me feel it. I toss and turn a lot at night. I sleep like crap. I'm also prone to nightmares and troubling dreams. I like when I don't remember them. And according to research, so I was told by a very intelligent counselor, that if you don't remember your dreams it's because you completed your sleep cycle and should be well rested. If you wake up, know you dreamed, but can't remember your dreams then you woke up at the tail end of your dream cycle and still should be rather rested. But if you wake up and remember your dream it means that you woke up during your sleep cycle in REM and you'll probably be fatigued all day. I usually remember snippets of dreams and even if I don't I still seem tired. But I don't remember the last time I woke up and didn't remember anything. Even last night I had an anxiety dream. At least it's not what I consider a nightmare.
Yesterday I went to get the heart monitor taken off. I was supposed to be there by 3:00 pm, but I got so distracted doing about three things at once - writing with my friend in the Netherlands, chatting with another friend and going through some things on Facebook that I lost track of the time! I ended up leaving 30 minutes to and I had to take public transit. It's about a 45 minute trip. Needless to say I had to call and let them know I was going to be late. They told me it was fine, thank goodness, as long as I got there by 4:30 pm. I got there at 3:30 pm. I was glad to get that off. I will find out in a week and a half what the results are. I would have found out on Monday, but I couldn't make the appointment at the time they had. No way. So I it has to be the following Monday.
The only real frustrations I had were last night I wanted into the computer lab and the counselor was like "It's 15 minutes before I have to leave." Okay, that's still 15 minutes, but she was also trying to push me to take my night meds early. I'm sorry, but unless I am so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open I like to be the last one to take it, because after I take it, I go to sleep - at least briefly. But I could have started this and finished it up on my phone. Though I don't like to write emails on blogs on my phone if I can help it. It's just slower since I type pretty fast. And she had been trying to get me to take my meds for an hour before then. She asked me twice and I told her that I don't take my meds until late. Anyway, I waited until I didn't have choice but to go take it and I told her once again that I do not like to take my medication early. I never do. She told me that it was good to know, but I thought I had made that clear earlier? But she's a nice girl. I just hope she remembers for next time. We'll see. But the best part of yesterday was getting an email from my Aussie!
I wish I had something interesting to write or something creative to share, but I don't. I have written some dark poems over my time here, but haven't shared any of them. Perhaps I will. It's a dark glimpse into my soul and it's definitely not a pleasant place to be sometimes. It'll be the worst part of the storm that you can see without being in my head.
But today was just a day like any other. But I do have goals that I am going to try to pursue starting on May 1, 2015. I am going to look into Tai Chi classes. There is a particular place that I want to check out. Not only do they teach it for the peace and meditation of it, but they also teach the self defense moves of it too. That definitely intrigues me. It will also help  me with my balance and help me to meditate and calm my mind. In other words, quiet the storm. I also am going to see if the nearby firing range allows you to rent weapons for the range and gives safety classes. I want the experience of firing a weapon. If nothing else, it will make it easier for my writing. Experience can be everything. It's always better to write from experience. And who knows! Maybe in five years I'll invest in a weapon - depending on where I'm living and with whom, if anyone. I might even look into archery, but that's lower on my list. Also on the 1st I plan to fill out the volunteer form for the local Humane Society. I want to work with the cats, of course, and from what I heard they need cat people. Me me!! Chose me!! The last things on my list are to find a support group for PTSD, though because mine is Complex PTSD I wonder how much I'll fit in, but I won't know until I try. Then I want to find some creative art classes that I can take. I have an idea where to look, it's just a matter of scheduling. I also have to be careful not to burn myself out. But I really want to do these things and I have put off things I have wanted to do for far too long. In fact, I am considering also getting a tattoo FINALLY! I have put it off forever for one reason or another - usually money. But this coming month I can probably swing it. Just another thing for the list. LOL! I could put it off until the following month, but I don't know if I want to. I don't want to keep putting it off anymore.
Well, tomorrow will be another day. However, it might just be like all the others. On Saturday we'll have to see if the storm clouds come out. My daughter is coming to visit. Last time was all right, but this time she mentioned her fiancé. I do not want to see him. I didn't say no directly like I probably should have done, but I told her that what I needed to write out for him to use she could give to him. I do not want to see him. I do not want the phony apologies or the manipulation. Dealing with my daughter is enough. I love her, but I have come to the end. But that is the future and this is the now. I can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. Well, at least not until tomorrow! All I can do tonight is sit back, relax, write an email to my Aussie and see how he is before the weekend - since it's his Friday today. Maybe I'll do some writing. There's something special I want to write to share with my Aussie, so I'll think about it and maybe I'll act on it.
That's it and life goes on...

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