Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Storm Clouds

Well, things have been relatively okay without too much upheaval and upset. There have only been a couple of irritations. Over the weekend, my daughter was due to come up here on Saturday; not so much to see me, but to come get the rings she's ordered off of Amazon.com and a note stating that I was giving permission for her fiancé to get her medical help. I really didn't want to see her. It was giving me a lot of anxiety actually. I think, in my head, I knew she was bringing her fiancé with her. I mean, no one wants to make a three hour journey alone if they don't have to, right?

Anyway, by 4:30pm, I figure she wasn't coming. I mean, it being Saturday. The buses run different and not as late. It was raining on top of it. But she called me when she got here. I heard in the background how her fiancé had just lost his wallet on the bus, so I knew he was there. As it turned out, she just wanted to grab the stuff and run because of all the fore-mentioned items. So she asked me if I would come to the door and give her the stuff because she didn't want to have to come in, sign in, get the visit pass and yada, yada, yada.... Well, I'm not allowed to open the front door. Only staff and it's for our protection basically, like from people that we don't want to have contact with who can set up back in our mental health recovery. So I told her the only thing I could do was to give it to staff and they could take it to her. So that's what happened. I didn't have to see her. I certainly didn't have to see him, which I wasn't anyway. I didn't sign a release for him to come in. But after they left, I just didn't know how to feel about it. I mean, she's my daughter. She came all the way up here, shouldn't we have at least seen each other? It was just odd. But things went on. The next day around the time she showed up the day before, or just before, I suddenly got really emotional. Things that would never normally bother me was causing me to feel like crying and I HATE to feel like I'm going to cry. My automatic response to crying is to try to stop it, even if it gives me a massive headache. I can't stand feeling vulnerable or out of control, though inside I still feel out of control like a storm. Though I suppose it was a low level one. It was really uncomfortable, but in my usual form, I just dealt with it. It's what I do. I did talk to someone on staff briefly. But I think it still left me sensitive because I still feel irritable a little bit. Well, actually, it seems like it's only happening in the evening.

Yesterday it was my turn to cook for the house. I'm actually not afraid to cook for the house anymore which is really cool because it used to scare me to death! I mean, who wants to screw up dinner for 10-14 people? My partner I knew wasn't going to be a lot of help actually cooking so I asked him to make the salad and set the table. There were still a couple of things he forgot to put out, but no biggie. I made Bacon Mac and Cheese from SCRATCH! I felt so accomplished afterwards when everyone liked it! The recipe didn't call for it, but I sautéed onions and put them in there along with garlic powder. I didn't put enough garlic in though because I couldn't taste it. But it really came out good and I know what to do next time to make it better, if and when I get assigned to that particular meal again. But the thing that irritated me is that EVERYONE is supposed to sit their ass at the table to eat. That means you DO NOT go into the kitchen and fix yourself a plate before everyone else! This girl has been here long enough to know this, so when I saw her just fix a bowl I was really irritated. Knowing I might not handle it well, considering my level of irritation (which is not like me to have) I went to staff to talk with her. I don't know how much good it did, but whatever. Dinner came out good. That's the important thing. The challenging thing during that was I got two calls from my daughter. One she was telling me how she had nothing to eat and her and her fiancé have no money until Saturday when they can cash his check from work and did I think her Aunt Diana would help her? I told her I would see what I could do, but there was no way I was calling my sister. The only person I did call was my best friend, but I made it clear I was only asking because I felt obligated. She also reminded me that she's had a place to stay and have food and instead she wanted to leave to be with her love. Well, look where that got you, sweetheart! I did ask staff and was giving a couple of suggestions. When she called backed I gave her the information. That no one was willing to help her. She had burnt too many bridges. So then she tries her manipulation tact that she's used before. "Well, while other people have a bed to sleep in and food to eat -" I cut her off. I didn't want to hear it and I literally put my foot down with her. I told her that, like my best friend had said, that she had been somewhere where she'd had a roof over her head. That she'd had food to leave and she CHOSE to leave! She got angry with me and asked if that's all I could stay to her right then. I thought about it and said yes. I was going to say something else, but she hung up on me. It was probably a good thing. I was upset, but the accomplishment of dinner definitely helped me get over it. On top of that, she made her bed, she has to lie in it. No one wants to help her because of how she's acted and treated them and me. It's as simple as that. So good luck to her in that department.

Then today... My day was actually going very well. I got up, went to community meeting, went for the walk around the block, came back, checked Facebook, did my chore, went to the first group of the day, had lunch.... Then 3:00pm I had my first full session with my trauma therapist. I thought it went well. I didn't think I was getting too emotional or anything. I mean, I felt something, but nothing I felt I couldn't handle. I did get a headache about halfway through. Should have realized that was a red flag. After the session as soon as we parted ways - it hit me. I suddenly felt drained. I felt emotional. I felt like I wanted to cry and I HATE to cry! When I went to take my 5:00pm pill I talked with the staff - which happened to be my care coordinator - about how I was feeling. Having gone through trauma therapy as well, she told me that in the beginning this is very normal and to do a lot of self care - drink water, have a healthy snack, rest, using coping skills, of course... At least I know it's normal. I did also tell her, so there are no miscommunications like I believe I had with my previous care coordinator, that I do not reach out easily for emotional support. I just don't. I have been there only one there for me my whole life. When I have needed to get help I had to do it for myself. If I was suicidal, I had to go get myself help. Of course, as far as my friends go, I only have one friend that can read my voice and knows if something off. Because everyone else doesn't notice a thing. Not that they're unobservant. I'm just that controlled. People don't get to see the emotions under the surface. The only one they might see is depression because I have never been able to really hide that. But anger, fear, irritation.... I had a bipolar episode that lasted for 6 months and no one noticed. I dealt with it that well or rather, I controlled the outside of myself that well. Of course, I had no idea I was in a bipolar episode at the time, or that what I was going through was psychiatric, but still, the point is, no one was able to tell.  So I told her that if I ever say I need to talk, it's because I REALLY need to talk. It takes a lot to get me to come to someone. I have to be practically in crisis.

Anyway, the irritation of the evening... My "nephew" Jerry was cooking dinner. My neighbor was supposed to help him. Her job was simple really. Set the table... You have two hours to get things done and get the table set. It's from 4:00pm to 6:00pm when dinner is supposed to start. It was literally a couple of minutes to 6:00pm and the table was barely set. Needless to say, I got irritated. It's not a big job. It doesn't take long and it's not rocket science. And she was on the phone almost constantly. You know, I cooked dinner one night and set the table all by myself. I was on the phone texting the whole time and I still got everything done and before the deadline. There is no reason she couldn't have done it. So it really irritated me. I decided I was just going to set the table since she obviously wasn't going to, so I went into the kitchen and started grabbing glasses and mugs. Suddenly she's there going, "I'll do that." And I wasn't trying to be rude or hurt her feelings, but I did say to her that it was 6:00pm and that it really should have already been done. I do think she took offense. I know she's sensitive and who likes to be corrected, right? But this is something you have to know! And I wasn't trying to be rude about it. Anyway, she hasn't said anything to me. She's not likely too, but I'm pretty sure I upset her. I hate that I did though. But I was definitely irritated. I think I would have been less irritated had I not felt so drained and emotional after having that session.

On the nice side, I went to group tonight. It's called Recovery International and we learn ways to cope with angry or fearful temper. No one wanted to use and example and I usually don't have anything to use and I certainly wasn't going to use anything that happened in the house. I just won't. So I used the call with my daughter. I wasn't sure I should, but it worked out and it felt good to talk about it. I got told how well I had handled it, because Ed, the group leader, had come in on the tail end of the call, so he got to see it for himself. But it was nice to get validated.

Anyway, the majority of the winds and rains have stopped inside. The sky isn't clear. The clouds are still there making up their mind to stay or leave, but at least the storm has calmed. Now I'm waiting for my Aussie to write, if he can and if he does that will make my night - or my morning! So right now, I just wait and see if the sun comes out tomorrow.

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