Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Eye of the Storm

Yesterday I woke up and it seemed like the gloom from Mother's Day had, indeed, worn off. I felt relatively good! That was, until I got a phone call from my daughter's school. I knew she hadn't been going to school, but I was informed it was over a month. I had been getting recorded called every day, but a month? And she had told me over and over how she was going to go back to school... yeah... and everyone told me. I guess what it really came down to is I just didn't want to fight with her anymore. Every time I dealt with her it set my emotionally recovery back that much farther. But here it was, I now had to call the school and explain to them that she did not live with me, therefore I had no control over whether or not she actually showed up. But it just sent me into a tailspin. I was so depressed after that. I can't tell you if it was because I was expected to do something I couldn't do (which was not implied, by the way), or that it was because I couldn't even talk to her about it. The one time I had mentioned school to her, which I believe I have already mentioned was when she jumped down my throat or rather got very nasty with me via text. I felt like not being able to do anything that a mother would do. I wasn't sure how I was going to get out of that frame of mind.

Then, Jason actually told me he was coming up to visit and he was serious! He got on the train and everything! I still didn't quite believe it at first, and I can't say I was excited, because my depression had me tight. But he showed up, took me to lunch at the Beach Break CafĂ©! My favorite place! I actually ordered something off the breakfast menu! I had a Denver omelet, home fries and biscuits with gravy and topped off with a root beer. That was before I knew what I was ordering, but it worked! Needless to say, I didn't even get halfway through it, but it was delicious! After that, we walked to the beach. Was we walked through the water I found some really nice shells, and really just enjoyed myself! I started feeing good! So by the time we went back and I talked with my Care Coordinator I was back to feeling happy. Of course, Jason left before I got out of the meeting. I figured that would happen since he has ADD and can't stay in one place long without some reason. But he plans to come up again on a weekend.  I think the beach was a good incentive for that. So for the rest of the evening I had a good time. In fact, my Tarot cards arrived! I did two readings and, as always, I was dead on for the past and the present. I still have it! So I went to bed feeling good. I even slept good, though it was HARD for me to get up this morning!

I woke up good this morning. I felt decent except being very tired. I have a feeling it was all those nights of not sleeping well. Anyway, I got up, got dressed, made my bed and do all the things I normally do - Go to Community Meeting, go for the walk, do my chore, take my medication, eat something... But before Group I was starting to fall asleep. That sleepiness hadn't gone away, so I actually went out and bought a Red Bull. It didn't help much. At least I was alert through group. It was good because it was a PAG group where we discuss things about the facility that we like and what we would like to see. I got to participate a lot. I was first with an idea - Art or Expressive Arts group. I really want that. I also made suggestions that I had put in the suggestion box, but told her there - about the fridge and the rubber strip for the mop closet to keep water from spilling into the hallway. Things were really going well, but I also knew my therapy appointment was coming up. I also knew that it wasn't going to be easy and that I was probably going to come away not feeling so good - such is trauma therapy. What didn't help was that I had a headache. I took something before the session, but it didn't work. Then during the session we talked about why Mother's Day had been so rough and I told him about how I just couldn't stop thinking about everything I did wrong. I also talked about how I had tried not to be like my mother... and he pointed out that I did the best I could with what I could. Again, I couldn't go back, which I kept saying myself, and he pointed out to me that my son came out great, so I had to have done something right.

We also talked about my mother, my Ex Husband and how my daughter had been molested up at his house when she was 7 by his 22 year old step son, he didn't believe her and even testified for the little prick. I also talked about how he used to be able to control me by saying he would take me to court, but during that time I went to three different court houses or a total of eleven times in seven month... yeah, I was cured. I also had his parental rights taken away. I was visibly still pissed. I even admitted that I guess I still hated him for that. He asked me if I fixated on this stuff. I told him no, that it usually didn't cross my mind, but when it did the feelings would come up like it was yesterday. That it was like that for a lot of memories - he called it reliving it. That's exactly what it is. I told him the only traumatic memory I have with no emotions attached to it is when I was molested. It's weird. I went through it with him and he seemed surprised. He asked me how I could have processed it. I have no clue and I don't know if I really did. I mean, it still effected my life. Then I told him next month is going to be difficult. I have my father's birthday, father's day and the date my niece died. I told him the hardest day is going to be the day my niece died. It was like losing a daughter or as close to it as I EVER want to get. I told him that it was like being hit by a freight train when I found out. And the funny thing, I haven't been emotional about her death in a long time. I mean, it took me YEARS before I could talk about her without crying, but now it seems like all of that's back and I think it might be because of what's going on with Cassi. It's one daughter versus the second daughter, I guess. I have lost them both in a way. And I don't know if I'll ever get Cassi back in any way, shape or form. I have a feeling like I won't, but the future is undetermined. I'm not going to pretend I know because I don't. But ever since that session I've had a very hard time. I feel like I want to cry. I feel very emotional. Maybe even emotionally overwhelmed. All I can say is thank God Patty B stayed on and wrote with me all the way up until evening group. She didn't know what was going on, but she just wrote with me and I needed that. It also helped that she had something really sad happen in the story and I was able to use that to express some of those feelings. Not to say I feel better because I don't. Plus my headache is still here and it's up to about a 7-8 which is usually the time I think about the ER to get some Delauded. But I have a worry that if I go, not only will I be stuck there waiting for hours, but by the time they release me, I will have no way to get back here. Public transportation doesn't run all night. But if it gets worse, I won't have a choice.

I am thinking about talking with the Peer Support Specialist here about all of this. I trust him and that says a lot. But I haven't decided yet. Anyway, I have moved from the eye of the storm (yesterday) back into the storm today. I can only see what the skies will bring tomorrow.

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