Friday, May 22, 2015

The Storm Within the Storm Throughout

There have been lulls, of course, but the storm seems to always be brewing and threatening and then brewing. I can feel the pressure dropping along with my mood. Too much has been happening, though some parts have giving me some clear sailing, but then the clouds come and the wind picks up and the storm comes.

Last week I had three nights of headaches that on a scale of 1-10 were 8s and 9s. On the third night I knew I had to go to the ER. I just couldn't take the pain any longer. I even missed evening group because I just couldn't go. They called a non-emergency ambulance to take me. I was in agony. It took them a good 15 minutes, but they got me into a room. They drew blood, took an EKG and all that fun stuff. I thought they'd put an IV in my arm, but they didn't. I also didn't have to wait to see the doctor, which in my opinion, is a miracle! Instead he decided to give me delauded pills. For those that don't know what that is, from what I understand, it's synthetic morphine. They started me off on 2mgs. When they would put an IV in me, they usually gave me 1mg. Anyway, 2mgs didn't do it. He gave me another milligram. That didn't do it. He gave me a steroid. That didn't help. Then he gives me two more milligrams of the delauded and FINALLY I got relief. But it took 5mgs! That's a huge dose, I'm guessing. I came back home and they couldn't believe I was standing, let alone, acting normal. It did suck getting there thought. For southern California, it was raining. I had to stand out in the rain waiting for the bus because there was no cover. I guess I was lucky that there was a bench! Not that I could use it, considering it was completely wet! But I had to stand in the rain for about 15 minutes or so because the bus was late. I am guessing it was because of the rain. When I got to my stop, it wasn't raining, which was good. As a treat for what I had gone through, I stopped at the Circle K and got myself a drink. I splurged and got myself an orange bang. It evokes happy memories/feelings from childhood. Anyway, I think I still took my night medication and went to bed. Surprisingly I didn't go right to sleep and ended up only sleeping a handful of hours... Still, I woke up easy enough. I was just thankful the headache was gone!

I seemed to be okay until the weekend. I had a full night of not sleeping I believe the following night after that hospital.I didn't sleep much the night after either. But Friday night I figured I would get a few extra hours than usual because we didn't have to wake up early. That's the deal. The weekends we get to wake up later. On Sundays we don't even have to do chores, unless you have a kitchen chore or an after dinner chore.

Anyway, at 8:30am a girl I do not recognize is waking us up at 8:30am... I had been asleep maybe three hours tops. Yeah... so I got dressed and went to her. I wasn't rude, but I was not a happy camper. I am pretty good at hiding it though. I just don't see the point in angry conflict. It doesn't get your anywhere. So I went to her and asked her why she was waking us up at 8:30am. She was like, "Isn't that what you usually do?" I had to explain to her that no, that wasn't how things worked. I had been here since February and no one had ever woken us up on a Saturday. At least not until you had to get your medication, which has to be taken by a certain time. I also had to explain to her that I hadn't been sleeping and that it wasn't a good thing she woke me up, She offered to give me my meds and let me go back to sleep, but once I'm awake, I'm awake and told her that. Anyway, it set the tone for the day. The mild irritations I had been feeling, which were no big deal at all, so I always let them go, was tenfold now. Not that I acted on any of it, but it was rough. And there was just too much time on my hands. I mean, I did keep busy on Facebook, but it was a long, long day. Then you'd think I'd sleep that night... HA! Nope, and then we get woken up early AGAIN on Sunday. I wasn't happy after only a couple of hours of sleep. But then I heard someone remind us about the bowling excursion. Well... No one bothered to make a direct statement about going. Yeah... so I missed it by minutes! I was FURIOUS! I couldn't really hide it at that point. Not that I went around ranting and raving like a lunatic, but I was angry. This was the first outing we have had since I've been here. Yeah... and to miss it by a couple of minutes... So at least I became a bit productive, I did two loads of laundry. One was a very small load of clothes I decided to do after I took a shower so literally everything of mine was clean. I should have washed the sheets on my bed too while I was at it, but I didn't. I think someone else asked to use the washer at that point, because everyone had come back. I wouldn't look Catherine, the Peer Support Specialist that had taken everyone and hadn't bothered to say anything in the eyes. I was that angry and I didn't want her to see that, I guess. But it was another God-Awful feeling day. I wasn't sure what to expect on Monday.

Monday morning came. I had only slept a few hours again, but I woke up in a good mood! The anger from the weekend had melted away, which was a good thing. Except that my Asshole Psychiatrist (who is now FIRED) stopped my pain medication, even though I wasn't an addict. I only use it when I need it. I wanted to kill him! I still want to harm him. At the very least, smack the shit out of him! Okay, actually I wouldn't do anything like that, but not to say the urge isn't there. I'm just not a violent person. Never have been. I only write assassins! I'm not one myself! LOL! And I don't hate people, but to be honest, I HATE him. I can't say that I don't wish evil stuff on him. Maybe I am over reacting, but I am just tired of his shit! He's given me NOTHING but problems. I knew he wasn't a good fit for me anyway so I started a process to get another psychiatrist, which I did and FINALLY yesterday I got to see her. She is wonderful! Immediately we hit it off. She was thrilled that I knew all the jargon and she could talk to me like I was a professional, not some idiot. That goes a very long way with me. So that was great! Something to be happy about. However, she could not reverse the crap Dr. Asshole had done with my medication. It was against the law and wasn't sure how he was able to. So now I'm in a catch-22. I can't access my medication and even if I were to get another prescription for it, I might not be able to have it! Yeah, which means if I get another killer headache, it's back to the ER for more delauded... Yeah.... Thrillsville! I HATE that man! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! Did I say I HATE him??

But the night before I did end up at the ER again, though not for a headache. I was dizzy. It kept getting worse. I started also getting nauseous. My legs almost gave out of me, My heart pounded really hard for awhile. I just kept feeling worse and worse. Again, the non-emergency ambulance. Only this time, there isn't room for me so I have to be parked in the waiting room, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid, They still ran tests as I was waiting. They took blood, did X-rays, urine, EKG and all of that. My last EKG when I'd had the headache came out abnormal, but apparently it wasn't anything to be concerned about or they would have kept me. Still, it worried me. Plus there was the odd comment my cardiologist made as well. That I could see another cardiologist who would put a pacemaker in, but he wasn't going to? I didn't think about it at the time, but really? If there was nothing to worry about why would you say that? But whatever..., At the hospital it all checked out. And everything came back normal! Can you believe that? Ugh! Not that I wanted something to be wrong, but it's kind of like, really?? I feel like shit and there's nothing wrong? They did diagnose me with Sinusitis. Yeah, so I got a prescription for Zithromax or the equivalent that Medi-Cal will cover. Also he gave me a short term prescription for steroids. I was concerned it might cause weight gain. That's the last thing I need! But as it turns out, I would have to be on them for awhile and he only prescribed them for 5 days. So that's okay.

Yesterday was all right and I was glad to see my new psychiatrist. I mean, that made my day. On the way home though, I missed the bus. I was literally across the street waiting for the light! LOL! So I decide to go to the McDonald's and grab something off the value menu. It was my last dollar, which sucked, but I hadn't eaten. So I settled on a McChicken. It was good. But get this. I'm at the corner AGAIN and the bus comes... I miss it again! LOL! Wow! So I give up and decide that I'm going to just go to the bus stop and sit down. The other one was only going to be 20 minutes or so. As it is, it came in about 15 minutes, which was great! But I also decided to stop on my way home at the MetroPCS store because for most of the day my phone was shutting off by itself and turning itself back on. I couldn't do anything without it acting up! Thank God I knew the buses I needed to take and didn't have to look. But get this. As soon as I decide to go my phone starts working perfectly again... yeah. I still go and like an auto mechanic, they can't do anything unless the problem is happening or can be duplicated. Yeah... Well, it hasn't given me trouble since, so I hope whatever was going on has resolved itself. God knows my entire life is on my phone. I was go literally insane without it because my mind has to be constantly occupied. Outside of having bipolar, complex - PTSD and anxiety issues like panic attacks, I know I had ADD. It's why I can multitask, though it's really just limited to visual stuff. Well, sometimes, I can't do phones and visual stuff. That's too hard, but I can do several things at once. It's just that's not one of them. Though I don't have a hearing problem I had trouble processing auditory information. It's better that if I have to listen that I have something to read with it. Then I learn it. Yesterday ended on a really good note too. I was worried about my Aussie and I finally heard from him. I was so glad I did! He was, of course, worried about me having been back in the hospital. That was the last he'd heard so he was hoping I was all right. I guess we worried each other quite a bit. So hearing from him made my day all the better. I can't express how much I love him!

Well... I have been trying to write this blog entry for a good week now. Of course, I get put off for one reason or another. Yesterday, I was at the library and using their Wifi on my own laptop because I had forgotten my wallet with my ID and card, but luckily I had my laptop. Well, it was lucky for awhile. Then a virus came up, which must have been hiding in the laptop (I didn't own it from the beginning) and it shut down my browsers... Yeah... So that was the end of my blog entry writing. I packed up, came back here and then last night, the computer here was being occupied, though for a really good reason. My nephew Jerry is doing online classes so those come first anyway. Anyway, finally, this evening, I can write. Let's see if I can get this finished before some other catastrophe comes up to prevent it!

Another bad thing about yesterday is that I finally decided to go through my voicemail. Big mistake. Not such a problem for some of the numbers since I recognized a few of them and I could easily delete them, but then there was one from my daughter. Of course... I felt it was from here and I guess that's why I put it off for four days. But I finally listened to it. What was it? Her telling me how she got a ticket for Trespassing and that I need to come to court with her and that I'm probably going to have to pay her fine. Anyway, I started thinking about the fact that I already have a huge fine to pay - a ticket I got for an illegal U-Turn. The cop knew it was an honest mistake and literally turned around to track me down to give me the freaking ticket. Can we say BITCH! Gotta make that quota! Anyway, back to the main point. I started wondering if they could put me in jail for a huge fine. I am guess not. I mean, they have a lot of other people that need to be in jail and there aren't debtors prisons anymore. Then I started thinking, she doesn't come to me for anything except when she needs something that only I can do for her. I can't even suggest anything to her without her giving me attitude and her fiancĂ© has her so poisoned against me, why should I be here to do anything? She's nto living where she was supposed to be living. She's not going to school. So what exactly is she doing except living on the streets with her jerk fiancĂ© who is on the way to losing his job. Really, they are both burning every bridge they have an every bridge they manage to make. And I am thinking it's time to literally close the door on her. I am going to report her as a runaway. I don't want to. The whole idea of it makes me sick inside. It's like I know when I do this, things are just going to be over. That will be the end. My daughter will not be my daughter anymore. That door will be shut. It's just how it will be. But I can't keep going through this. I need to not be responsible for her actions anymore. It needs to be over. And it's making me sick. My depression started yesterday...

I actually went to sleep relatively early for me and I must have slept about 7 hours or so, which is more than I have gotten at one time lately. I didn't want to get up, but I did. I got dressed, made my bed, went to community meeting... did the walk, did my new chore. I still felt kind of okay, but not really. There was nothing interesting for breakfast so I ended up eating a chocolate croissant I had pilfered yesterday when they had brought out goodies. That was breakfast. Then I went to morning group. Oh, that was so fun! Not! Dual Diagnosis is one of the most boringly painful groups here for me. Why? I don't have a Dual Diagnosis. I am neither an alcoholic with mental illness, nor am I an addict with one, and today was all about relapse because of the holiday weekend. Don't get me wrong! It's a very important group to have. But NOT FOR ME!!! And I am literally required to go. But for the first time ever, I actually fell asleep in group! Grant you, it was only the last 10-15, but still... I woke up 5 minutes after group was over. I noticed because the room was empty except for me. I then looked at the clock. Five minutes after group. That was enough. I am guessing they just didn't notice, or if they did they know I have never slept in group before, or they all knew I haven't been sleeping normally and let me sleep. Either way, I woke up alone in the living room on the comfy couch. Then I grabbed something to eat for lunch, only because I had to. It was cheese on cheese jalapeno bread and a key lime Chibanni yogurt. Then I went back to my room and crashed out until almost 5:30pm. And when I woke up I was still depressed. And the dreams were not good. I had one nightmare where I didn't know I was pregnant. I was not all the way along either and I apparently went into labor, which I didn't know. Had a doctor or paramedic telling me not to push and this baby comes out stillborn. It was awful. Why do I only remember the bad dreams now? Why?? So I woke up still majorly depression.

Dinner was good. My other nephew Manny cooked dinner with another girl here and they made chicken stirfry and it was delicious. That sad thing is I got sick eating dinner. I didn't even take that much and it tasted so good, but I started getting nauseous and my stomach started hurting badly. I thought I was going to go back to my room and throw up. I didn't, thank goodness, but I felt like it. After about 15-20 minutes I felt better. Then it was time to wish another person here and happy birthday. Couldn't eat the cake. That one fridge is disgusting and it went into the frosting. It made me gag so I can't even enjoy the cakes here because that's where they store them. Then I brought out my movies because tonight was Socialization group, which translates into Movie Night. And I supply the movies because their selection here SUCKS! However, I'm running out of movies because I'd say 97% of my collection is R rated movies. What can I say? Those are the ones I seem to like the best! But tonight everyone picked "Now You See Me" which I have wanted them to pick several times already so that was a nice diversion for awhile. Not everyone stayed for the whole movie, but that's normal. However, my nephews did and that's what mattered to me.

I wish it weren't the weekend in Australia. I won't hear from my Aussie until Sunday at the earliest and I could so use a smile from him. He can always make my bad days better just by a simple email letting me know he's thinking about me. But I'll have to content myself to reread the ones he's already sent. Maybe it'll help me through this depression. I really hope that I don't wake up depressed tomorrow and I know I'm going to sleep tonight because I can already feel it. I just don't want to feel it anymore. I just want to feel good like I have been. I was doing great! Then my daughter...

And so brews the storm... the darkness... the wind... the rain... the lightening... the thunder... in the end, we'll see what's left...

No comments:

Post a Comment