Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Sun Comes Through the Storm

I actually hesitated to write this, but I have come to the point where I just want to get this out; the pain and the joy. And this is, after all, a chronicle of my life, so to say... My online diary.

I honestly thought things were going to be over. I thought I was going to have to shut the door on my daughter. On Friday, I was prepared to call the police and make a runaway report on her. I felt that one trespassing ticket would lead to another and another and I just didn't want to be financially responsible for her and her fiancé as they camped out. It wasn't like they wanted to do anything other than use me anyway. But funny enough, though I had seven hours of sleep, I was still exhausted and ended up falling asleep during the last fifteen minutes of group, which is one of the painful groups for me to sit through. But I had participated practically the whole time. But I don't remember falling asleep, of course. My eyes were closed anyway. That's usually how I am in groups if it's one of these groups where I know almost everything or it doesn't pertain to me. But the next thing I know, my eyes open and I am alone in the living room on the couch. I would have thought they'd wake me during group. But they didn't so either because I never fell asleep in group they decided to leave me undisturbed, or they didn't think I was actually sleeping, or that they knew just how little sleep I was getting and left me be. But either one, I had slept the night before. But I got up, had lunch - cheese sandwich on jalapeño cheese bread and a yogurt. I just knew thought, that I was just going to go back to sleep and that's exactly what I did. I went to my room, laid down on the bed, having absolutely no energy and fell asleep. I slept for four-five hours. By the time I woke up, it was almost time for dinner. In my opinion, just too late to make that call to the police.

The next morning I'm called by my daughter's fiancé telling me she's missing. That she's been missing for a day and night. That she had gone off with some friends and that he hadn't seen her since. Okay, I went from being asleep to being awake really fast. My first thought was to call the police. Of course, I asked him what he knew. He admitted to me that they had gotten into a physical fight. He admitted that it had been bad, but still  played it down that they had both hurt each other and blah, blah, blah... I asked if she had bruises. He said yes and said that he did too. Okay... I got the name and phone number of the guy she had originally gone off with. The first time I called and said who I was he hung up on me. He might not of believed me. The next time, I told him that if he didn't tell me where my daughter was I was going to call the cops, give them this number and let them track his ass down. He replied that would be interesting. I think he hung up again. The next time I called he didn't pick up so I started calling and calling and calling and calling and calling... think pit bull with a bone. It also kept him from being able to use his phone, which in turn, caused him to answer it again. I told him I wanted to know where she was. He told me he didn't know but she was safe. I was like, how does that make sense? And I drilled him a little more. I got a name. That was it and like where they sometimes meet up. I don't remember the whole conversation, but I was like, I was done talking. I wasn't getting anywhere. So I called her fiancé back. Apparently, he had the same information. He said he was going to call them back so I had already told her fiancé that if my daughter didn't show up within 12-24 hours I was calling the police and that since he was going to call this guy back to let him know this and that I am not joking. Even her fiancé knows that if I say I'm going to call the cops I will. I don't make empty threats.

Well, the message got delivered because within an hour I was talking with my daughter and I got filled in with what happened. Well, parts of it and it made me sick inside. She told me she was bruised up all over. That there was a little bruise on her face and she's right, it's really, really little, but it's there. However, when she told me the little bit that she told me, I felt so angry and sick. I asked her to send photos of the bruises. I wanted to see them - especially the one of her face, which as it turned out wasn't that big. The others that she set me photos of were... wow... So yeah, my anger built up quite a bit. But on the flipside of this, I felt like I could talk to my daughter again! It was like that negative energy surrounding her was finally GONE! OMG! I mean, I don't expect things to ever be great. If they get there, I'll be thrilled! If they don't, I'm just glad I can talk to her almost every day now and not worry that she's going to hold her claws out ready to strike me. It's sad, but it seems like the women in our little family seem to have to have something drastic happen to them before they see the light and realize something has to change. For me, it was January. For her, it was this. I was just glad to know that she's safe. That she's with people that just want to protect her and aren't going to let that little prick near her again!  She said there are even a couple of Hell's Angels wanting to protect her too. That made me think of someone I knew from my "previous life." But you don't mess with those guys so hey! That works for me. It was just nice to feel like I had reconnected with my daughter again; at least a little.

Yesterday she called me and told me that she was going over to her fiancé's mother's place to get her things and for me to call her and let her know. I had to make sure she had people going with her. At first  she said just one person or two and I was like... I don't know... even though I wasn't like the coward was about to do anything. But still. I didn't like the idea of her being in harm's way so to say. Then come to find out, there are like five other people going! I was like, okay, now I feel better. But I called the number I had for her and it can't take calls at this time. So I had to alternative than to call her fiancé. Thank God, he didn't answer so I got the chance to leave a voicemail. I told him to let his mother know what was about to happen and such and such, and then, just to get my Momma Bear in finally I said to him, "If you ever touch my daughter again there will be problems." And I hung up. I felt so go being able to say that! LOL! YES! It was awesome and I felt like finally I could act like a mother again - well, up to a certain point. After all, soon she's going to be 18... not that I'm going to stop being her mother. It's just, she is good at taking care of herself. It's unfortunate how it happened, but I way able to give her this gift that I didn't have. This sense of being independent. I never had that. I was taught learned helplessness. It's what my mother wanted, whether she realized it or not. I was the brat child. I was the worst child she'd ever seen. She was done having kids when I came along... emotionally she crippled me and made me think I wasn't good enough to live, let alone stand on my own two feet. And I definitely did not want that for my girl!

Anyway, today was Memorial Day, of course. We had a BBQ here for lunch, which was nice. There were two on kitchen duty for sides and then there were three of us for set-up. Everyone else was on clean-up and I really just didn't feel like doing clean-up. Plus set-up is so easy! You can't ask for an easier job! I ate too much, of course. Not a good thing, but it was so good! I grabbed a bag of chips - Fritos chili cheese flavor, a cup of coke and a cheese burger with fixings. That took me a lot to eat just by itself. Then after that, I went and got some baked beans, which is what I wanted, a piece of corn on the cob, a piece of watermelon, two cookies and a couple more bags of chips for later. LOL! Oh, and a cup of sprite. Needless to say, by the time I had gotten through the beans, corn and watermelon I felt like I was going to burst. It wasn't a good feeling. I went and laid down for about 20 minutes and then felt better. I actually noshed on some Fritos. Then I was talking with my nephew Manny and he was asking me where to find cheap sodas or if I knew of a place or he wished there was a place... I don't exactly remember, but I told him about the Circle K down at the corner where the sodas were .89 for the 44 oz. He was shocked. He was talking about 7 Eleven where he was paying $2. So shocked was he, he offered me a soda to walk down with him. He was so sweet! I had so been wanting a soda. My stomach was great at the time. I ended up getting a Wild Cherry Pepsi. I mean, I know I've said that I was going to keep with the diet drinks... however, I hadn't had a soda for awhile and I just wanted what I wanted, you know? Then went we got back I didn't want to sit in the dining room drinking the soda because Rhonda the administrator was there and opted for the Serenity garden. We talked. Then we were joined by my other nephew Jerry. Another resident had been talking on and off with us, followed by another and we all started talking about going to Mexico. Basically I was sharing some of the food places and such when I was down there, but that I didn't think I could go back to Mexico. Just too many bad memories. But he showed me this video of where some of this family lived - Manny. And it was really beautiful. I thought, yeah, maybe I could go there. Still, my stomach was rebelling. That knot of anxiety was there. It sucks. I would like to go down and not feel this way, though I doubt I can ever go back to Rosarito. I don't want to run into anyone I know. I just want to close that chapter of my history. Plus, there are people I really don't want to see again who I would ultimately cross paths with again, knowing my luck. And I would have to face leaving my cats. I mean, right in my face and I just can't deal with that. I don't even know who took them. I just hope they are safe and happy.

Anyway, after finishing the soda, I decide I am going to check in on my daughter! Especially since I feel like I can now! I just wanted to make sure that she was able to get her things. Not that I would have known what to do if she hadn't been able to. But I was relieved. Of course, she said her fiancé had dumped everything out all over the place out of the bag they had been in, just to be a spiteful little prick. Surprise, surprise there. But I finally got to tell her how good it was to be able to not be afraid to call her. That I felt like I could talk to her again. She told me how she felt so much better away from him. That she was much better off. That she had people that cared and wanted to protect her. He had her totally isolated, just like abusers do. And I told her that it was as if this cloak of negativity was just gone now. And we talked about other things too, like I mentioned school and she didn't jump down my throat! We talked about having the information ready. That should something happen I'll write another medical note for a friend of hers who's at least 18 to be able to get her seen when she's sick. But it was just good to talk with her and we hung up again saying "I love you" and have there be meaning there again, I think. It is on my end, anyway, and I think it is on hers too. She is seeing just what he did to her and her life. Thank God!

Her brother also called me last night. He got himself his own phone and plan that he's going to pay for every month on his own! I think that's great! He was also telling me about this program he's going to look into that will help him with housing, job, education or something... I encouraged him to check more into it for sure. I also told him what happened to his sister. Yeah... as much as he was ready to disown her, that's still his sister and what's been broken can be fixed now that she's away from him. He told me flat out he wanted to beat her fiancé's butt, to put it mildly. I told him it's not worth him going to jail. However, I had my own fantasies about hiring someone to do harm to him. Not like I have the money or could live with myself. But it's nice to plot revenge in the head, even if it's never put into action. I had even posted a status on my Facebook, asking if anyone knew of a hitman that took payment plans! LOL! No one knew why I had posted it, but I got a bunch of likes on it! LOL! You have to have some laughs in the crap, right? But the silver lining here is that my daughter is away from that monster. That her and I are getting a relationship back and that she feels like she can move forward in her life. Those are important things to me. Not that I would have ever wished what happened to her on her. But it did have a positive effect.
Anyway, I worried my Aussie last night, I think. I wrote him an email talking about all the assholes that people had offered to take out for me and had never allowed it and how sometimes I regret it. And I did kind of go on about it. So I guess that worried him and when he wrote me back he made sure that I should just try to let the revenge thing go and that they'd get theirs. He was also happy that my daughter and I had reconnected and there was another personal part that I'm not gonna share! ;-)
Last night I didn't get any sleep. Not that it was a bad thing. I have functioned all day without a problem, only taking a 20 minutes nap, unintentionally. Just laying on the bed on the phone, writing with my friend from the Netherlands... waiting for a reply... and the bed is comfy and... zzzzzz... LOL! But I woke up and just in time to help with the set up for the BBQ. It was great writing my with friend from the Netherlands. We're actually working on an interesting story. We've actually been writing stories that hint at assassins, but we haven't really written anything about them directly. It's like my character who is definitely an assassin though she says she's a Security Consultant, we haven't seen anything she's done yet. She's on vacation. She then runs into these famous ice skating pair and they strike up a conversation. The woman is getting married and the man is her best friend, who's going to give her away. Anyway, my character is attracted to his character, but she's not going to pursue anything. But she does talk about how she did used to ice skate awhile back. He's looking for a new partner because she's getting married and she's pregnant. Even though my character doesn't think for a moment they could even think she could do something like this they actually evaluate her skills the next day. She's a little beyond the age, but she does have the raw talent. Still, that's all it is and she does have a job and such. But they develop this friendship and she and he eventually end up together. Though just in the beginning stages right now. But it's been really fun to write! I mean, real kind of life, though maybe a bit exaggerated, has been fun! And it gives me more ways to develop my characters for my actual stories. So I'm more than happy. I can't wait for tomorrow to get writing with her again!

Anyway, my stomach is upset. I'm not sure if it's gas or a beginning ulcer, which would really suck, but my stomach keeps hurting at least once everyday. It was okay for awhile earlier, but it's hurting again. And I would like to actually have some dinner before it's too late. I want baked beans on bread. Really simple, but really delicious! We'll see though. Kitchen closes at 10:00pm and it's just after 9:00pm. But I am just so happy. I have a part of my daughter back! I have my son! My life, for this moment, is good! The storm for the moment has broken up and is passing away.

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