Friday, May 8, 2015

Storm Brewing

Okay, first off, I didn't sleep last night. I mean, not at all. So that makes one night 2-3 hours of sleep, next night 6 hours of sleep followed by no sleep. Yeah, that's like 4 days and 3 nights? I am definitely feeling it tonight. I was fine this morning! I mean, I went ahead, took a shower, got dressed, made my bed. Got a few other things done before community meeting. It was raining so we didn't have to go on the walk. I wouldn't have cared, but it was kind of nice to get out of it. Also found out we got a new vacuum for the facility YAY! I have wanted to vacuum my bedroom for about a week. I mean, not that it's dirty really, but I'm sure crumbs have fallen down and I wanted to get those up. Then new chores come out today. I got cove 3 bathroom and common area. I just don't know why they didn't give me my own cove! I mean, it's weird to be in other people's coves. I feel like I am invading privacy or something. I mean, they even tell us we're not supposed to step into a cove that's not ours without permission. Not that anyone really listens except Rhonda, who I can't stand, makes a fuss over it. Anyway, when I went to take my morning meds I did let staff know that I felt uncomfortable, but I was just kinda told to suck it up for lack of a better term.

Well, it wasn't that big of a deal. I got it done and think I did a pretty darn, good job! I also make sure there is always extra toilet paper. Sometimes people don't do that in the coves. I like to make sure there's more than enough. Even in my cove I took several rolls and put them under just in case whoever had the chore didn't do it.

After that, I had a frozen breakfast meal. Jerry found then in the freezer so I just had to try one. It was pretty good. It was eggs, bacon and potatoes. It worked. But then it was time for Dual Diagnosis group... Ugh.... I do NOT have a dual diagnosis. Here, in the facility, it means than not only do you have a mental illness, but also an addiction. That doesn't fit me. Doesn't fit Jerry or my newest nephew. So it makes it the most boring group! I mean, I know all of it anyway. I actually almost nodded off a few times. I think I did for a few seconds here and there, but my restless legs started acting up really bad to where my legs were actually jerking. I think I can blame that on the lack of sleep too. But after group the guys and I were talking and I agreed to go to Starbucks because I knew staying here and doing nothing was going to be a really bad thing. I would want to sleep and my legs would be jerking and tingling and I would get frustrated, maybe even cry. So it was better to be out doing something.

Because Jerry had to be back to cook dinner we chose a Starbucks closer to here. Well, Jerry had to wait to talk to someone on staff. I was waiting to find out if I had mail. I did! I got two more of my DVDs and my Tarot Made Easy book. That book helped me so much in my readings. I did get rather good remembering the cards using this book. I mean, I couldn't remember everything and had to use it as a reference, but I have a talent for reading the cards. It's going to suck to break in the new cards when they get here, but it'll happen. I was kind of unhappy with the case for The Blacklist Season One. There was part of the inside literally broken so that the DVDs, though they can't get scratched, pretty much fall out of the case. Ugh! But at least I have it and that's the most important thing to me. So I got over it. LOL! I also got "The Day After Tomorrow" one of my favorite disaster flicks ever! But once Jerry was done we stayed long enough until the bus was coming and we took off. We went to McDonald's, with the intention of going to Starbucks, but we saw that first. We did end up at Starbucks too, but I don't think I'm going back to that one. I mean, there were hardly any outlets. Several of them didn't even work! Reception with the wifi sucked so bad where I had to sit that I couldn't even log online! But Manny got us Frapps. I do have to say that at least it was happy hour and all Frapps were half off! And that's only going to last until Sunday anyway, so as far as I'm concerned I would rather travel an hour on the bus to go to the one I like. The outlets work and they actually have comfy places to sit. Not crap places. That one ranked really, really low on my list.

When I checked the time the bus would be going back, which I should have checked earlier, we ran into a problem. Jerry needed to get back because he had to help cook dinner. He was up. Well, the bus wasn't going to be there until after Jerry needed to be back so he ended up going to catch the Sprinter and then the bus. He didn't get back right on time, but he got there earlier than he would have been with us. But before we left we stopped at The Dollar Tree we found. I only spent just over $8, but I got three big bottles of Arizona tea - two green and one sweet. I also got Pixie Stix. I can't resist those! I mean, who can resist flavored sugar?? LOL! Well, I can't anyway! I also got some Butter Toffee Fiddle Faddle and two big word search books. From there my newest nephew and I headed back. I was also writing with Patty B the whole time. We were writing something based off magic, but neither of us had the same idea and we couldn't get into it so we just dropped it and I started something new for us. I have no idea where it's going to go from here, but anything is possible. I just need to develop my character a little more and see where that takes me. Perhaps at that point I'll gain a direction.

I wasn't sure I would be able to eat dinner, but I did. It was tacos and the meat was actually seasoned! I am not a huge fan of corn tortillas, but it worked. Meat, lettuce, cheese and a hint of salsa. I didn't get any juice. That's usually what puts me over what I can hold in my stomach so I just decided I wouldn't do it. It worked out well. Then it was a matter of hanging on until group at 7:00pm. Usually it would have been socialization group, which means we usually watched movies. Wellness group we usually listen/watch music videos. Well, Wednesday when we were supposed to have music group, there was no laptop, so that became movie night. Okay, tonight was supposed to be music night. Well, the laptop was again, not available! LOL! So we ended up playing a game, kind of,. It was about getting to know each other. We were supposed to write a couple of things about ourselves that other people might not know. fold up the paper and put them in a basket. I wrote about three things. The first would have been hard to figure out if my smile hadn't given me away. It was that my first pet was a toy poodle named Jobo. Then the second one was that I was interested in ancient history and had even considered being an archaeologist. It took a little, but it was obvious it was me. Then the last one was a giveaway really. It was that my favorite miniseries was "Pride and Prejudice" starring Colin Firth. There is no one else here that would feel that way or that would have even seen it. THEN after that Jerry got his speaker and I said I would use my phone and we were able to play music. Only five of us were able to pick songs, but that was cool. I picked "A Pain I'm Used To" by Depeche Mode. I started thinking about why the song just clicked with me and I started thinking about the lyrics and suddenly I realized it fit things with my daughter, Cassi, after what happened yesterday. But it represents it, even from before. 

  "A Pain That I'm Used To"

I'm not sure
What I'm looking for anymore
I just know
That I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be
Instead of me
But the key
Is a question of control

Can you say
What you're trying to play anyway
I just pay
While you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find
Have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive
That is fuelled

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

There's a hole in your soul
Like an animal
With no conscience
Repentance unknown
Close your eyes
Pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds
That are sown

Can't conceal what I feel
What I know is real
No mistaking the faking
I care
With a prayer in the air
I will leave it there
On a note full of hope
Not despair

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

I mean, that just says it all. I am just so tired of dealing with her. I mean, she acts like a little bitch to me because I say that I hope she's going to go back to school... I have literally had it with her. Especially her being that way and then asking me to do something for her? I mean, it's something only I can do, but honestly, all I can think is why oh why didn't I give up my rights to the state when I had a chance? I just don't want anymore of her bullshit. Let her run off and sleep in a tent with her fiance. I don't care. Leave me out of it. They only want me around so they can ask me for things, but what it really comes down to is that once I give her the $28 I told her I'd give her, that's the end of it. I'll get her the Medi-Cal card because I'm the only one who can, but there is no way I am getting anything else for her or giving her anything else. Why should I? I'm not a bank and it's clear that I can't even suggest or ask or say anything to her, so that's it. I am done. Period. I honestly think I would be much better emotionally if she were just out of my life. She has no purpose in it except to use me because she sure as hell doesn't love me. I know the sheer intensity of the anger has a lot to do with being over tired, but I am still really angry and would be without being this exhausted. She doesn't care about me and really, I'm not sure I care about her either. Her fiance did a steller job of completely poisoning her. Yeah, I made mistakes,but he turned that into a hate.He wants her all to himself, he can have her. As I said, let them go live in a tent and have babies and all that and keep me the hell out of it. At least my son gives a crap and loves me. He doesn't use me and isn't an ass to me, and I made mistakes with him too. But whatever. She called me twice tonight I think. I rejected the calls each time. They didn't leave a voicemail and no text. If it's important they can leave a message or text me. Period. They don't need to hear my voice. She really has no idea just how much I don't want to deal with her anymore.

Anyway, Jerry figured out with my newest nephew how to make his hotspot unlimited! It's great because I am able to type this up on my own computer! It's so nice! Oh and I heard from my Aussie last night. It was such a sweet email. He told me I was adorable. He's never called me that before, which was very special and told me how when I share as much as I do with him it makes him feel closer to me and then he wrote Yours Always... What can I say? I will probably never meet him, but I do love him. Not that it would stop me from getting involved with someone. He doesn't expect me to not have anyone in my life. He wants me to so that I can have someone physically here with me. But he loves me and I love him. And it's so much more than romantic, passionate love. There is another dimension to it. Maybe it's because we were friends first and foremost. I can't wait for another email. However, I probably won't get one until Sunday at the earliest. I can't wait. His emails mean so much to me. They can bring a little sunshine into a whole sky of clouds, rain and lightning.

Anyway, I did go to Circle K for a treat. I got myself an X-Large drink - Orange Bang! I loved it as a kid and it still tastes great to me. Then I grabbed two baby bells. What can I say? I also talked with my care coordinator for a few minutes as I took my meds and ranted a little about my daughter. She thinks it's a good thing if I do set that boundary of not giving her anything else. I am sticking to it also. But my medication is working and with luck I will actually sleep tonight! I actually think I will because I can just feel my mind kind of slipping.... slipping into the storm....

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