Sunday, May 10, 2015

The Storm Within

Okay, maybe it's not exactly a storm inside me, but it sure doesn't feel good. After not sleeping for over 24 hours I finally crashed hard. Yesterday and I went out to lunch with my nephews to Domino's for some yummy pizza I was exhausted and not feeling very well by the time we got back so I went to lay down. I got up long enough to take my 5:00pm medication because I knew they would wake me up long enough to take them so I cut them off at the pass so to say. After that, I slept. I woke up long enough to take my 10:00pm night meds and get right back to sleep. I can't really remember all my dreams, but something about one of them seemed like it took place on Halloween. Go figure.

Anyway, I woke up around 8:00am. I forced myself to stay awake. Maybe that was a bad idea. I don't know. But I thought I had slept enough. But even now I feel like I could just sleep. Maybe I will shortly. I guess it just depends on how I feel. Of course, right now I'm not feeling so good. Of course, I'm not. It's Mother's Day.

I should like Mother's Day, right? I'm a mother... However, I have screwed up so much as a mother to the point where my daughter hauled off and hit me in the face in January. I mean, it was her and her fiancé against me, but she's the one that hit me. It's just I know how badly I screwed up. There are so many other things I should have done and shouldn't have done, but I can't go back and fix them as much as I might want to. There were so many things I know now that I didn't know then that could have changed so much. I am just so depressed. I just completely failed with her and I keep asking myself why I didn't just let the state take her. It hurts. I didn't feel it before because I have been so angry, but I do hurt. And I know her wonderful fiancé had just continued to poison her. So that's fine. She can have him and hate me. It's what she wants. It hurts that she hates me because of my mistakes, but even more because her fiancé has just poisoned her and poisoned her and he continues to do so. I bet I hear from her when she's ready to come get the money I'm giving her. I don't think I'll even see her. I'll give staff the money to give to her because he'll be with her and I definitely don't want to see him. Period. He hates me, though he says he doesn't. He definitely wants her to hate me. So he can stay the hell away from me.

I'm just emotional. It doesn't help that I started. That I am still tired after all the lack of sleep. But this does hurt. At least Jordan called me. My son. The one child I succeeded with. He loves me so much and I love him so much. I don't know what I would do without him to be honest. He has been there for me and through a lot with me. And he even wants me to move in with him when he's ready to get a place. I just wish I didn't feel so depressed and like crying. I hate to cry. I feel vulnerable and out of control. Either is not okay for me. Not for anyone else. I have no problem telling others it's okay to cry, but it's never been okay for me. So what do I get for that? A sick and stormy feeling inside my chest... People will tell me to cry. Part of me wants to, but my automatic reaction is to stop it. It's not a response I chose consciously. It started in childhood. To cry was to be open to abuse because you were vulnerable and being vulnerable was an invitation to be emotionally abused further. SO even though I thinking crying is a good thing, I just can't. The only time I do is when I am in emotional crisis. If I'm crying, I am on the edge and ready to fall over the cliff or get swallowed up by the hurricane.

At least I have had several people here and on Facebook wish me a happy Mother's Day, but I can't seem to get passed the depression. Maybe tomorrow, after I have slept more and this day is over the depression will be gone. It's possible. I have experienced depressions that last only a day with things like this. Only I can see it lasting longer because the situation with my daughter is going to be going on for quiet awhile. We'll see, I guess. And I can't remember when my next appointment is with my Trauma Therapist. I don't know if it's going to make a difference where this is concerned, but maybe. I can hope.

Anyway, I might go out and get a soda at the Circle K, though I really shouldn't spend the money, but I feel like I just want to do something and maybe getting out for a bit, even if it is only for 10 minutes might pull me out of this depression, if only for a few minutes. Until then, the storm rages within.

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